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Pushing rope. For some guys, it’s a reality. For The No Talent Ass Clowns, it’s a song.

Pushing Rope, The No Talent Ass Clowns

The No Talent Ass Clowns performing “Pushing Rope” at Consumption Auditorium

“Pushing Rope,” the new song from The No Talent Ass Clowns dropped last week to thundering praise. Hear what everyone is raving about:

Like many Ass Clown songs, Pushing Rope contains a chorus and not much more than that. “We don’t believe in writing stanza after stanza,” says singer Lars Gunblade. “It’s a pain in the ass. I’ve got much better things to do like bang groupies anyway. And let’s be honest here… people just want to hear the chorus anyway. We decided to skip a step and just came up with the chorus. Some would call that lazy. I call it good business sense.”

When asked why the ass clowns decided to write about pushing rope, Gunblade was candid. “Hey, look, when you’re hooking up five or ten times a day, this is bound to happen. You know what I’m talking about. You just gotta soldier on and get the job done, even though it’s sometimes a miracle if that happens.”

I Find “Pushing Rope” Funny, Say Vas Defrens

Guitarist Vas Defrens is bemused by the song. “I’ve never in my entire life had to resort to pushing rope,” says Defrens. “For me, it’s meaty and massive and there are no complaints from the ladies. For Lars, however, pushing rope is a daily reality. I’ve seen it happen countless times backstage when we’re trading groupies back and forth. Sometimes, I’ll just grab a warm beer and watch him desperately try to finish what he’s started. When he doesn’t, which is often, I ridicule him, push him out of the way and take over… you know, in keeping with the situation. It’s only fair to those chicks he was disappointing. I mean, that’s my take.”

The song features several guitar solos by Gunblade, which has caused Defrens some aggravation. “Lars told me that he was taking all of the solos from now on because I’ve been making fun of him pushing rope. I guess I had that coming.”

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Lars Gunblade of the No Talent Ass Clowns and avant-garde German recording artist Klaus Hitler have agreed to record an album together this year. The untitled project is currently in the recording phase.

Gunblade released a statement from his band’s tour blimp saying that he’s excited about the collaboration. “He’s one weird-ass motherf*cker. I have to respect that,” said Gunblade.

When asked for comment at his home in Dusseldorf, Klaus Hitler responded by saying, “I am impressed by the unrelenting stupidity of Lars Gunblade’s lyrics and music and I wanted to be associated with that. In Germany, it’s very hard to get hold of No Talent Ass Clowns CDs. I first heard them at a poetry reading in Hamburg and I wet myself immediately. I just didn’t know such music was possible.”

Klaus Hitler & Lars Gunblade: Evil Bookends

Although virtually unknown in mainstream American music circles, Klaus Hitler’s song “Farts in the Fatherland,” received heavy airplay on many underground and college radio stations. The song gained notice when it was included in the Penthouse article, “50 Songs to Listen to While Choking the Chicken.”Klaus Hitler - Farts in the Fatherland

The avant-garde musician says “Farts in the Fatherland” has been something of a problem for him. “I have tried very hard to remain obscure,” says Hitler. “I try to alienate listeners but this song has captured the heart of some people and that unfortunately has put me on the map. That’s not something I ever wanted. In truth, an album with Lars could sink my reputation completely. That’s what I’m hoping for.”

No Talent Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens says the two controversial musicians are very similar. “I listen to ‘Farts in the Fatherland’ all the time,” says Defrens. “Whenever I get back home to Rectal Hall, this song is the first thing I always play on my system. Thematically, I think Klaus Hitler and Lars Gunblade are definitely linked. It’s pretty easy to draw a line from Klaus’ ‘Farts in the Fatherland’ to Lar’s ‘Pinch the Loaf‘. It’s true.”

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A fake Time magazine cover showing singer Lars Gunblade of The No Talent Ass Clowns rocked the credibility of the infamous band this week. Spotted by Redit contributor HanAssholeSolo, the fake Time magazine cover can be found on hundreds of websites, all of which assume the cover to be authentic.

Fake Time Magazine Cover

Fake Magazine cover showing Lars Gunblade

Ass Clowns manager Jerry Gold issued a statement early this morning apologizing for the fake Time magazine cover. “This is all a big mistake,” said Gold. “We were just having a bit of fun and people took it seriously. That’s not our fault.”

As it turns out, Gold has actually been promoting the cover for years. In 2011, he said to a reporter for High Times, “Hey, my band is on the cover of f*cking Time magazine. Can you believe it? Now they’re totally legit. Think about it. This is a real Time magazine cover. Lars is really on the cover of Time. How amazing is that?”

When asked about what he said in that High Times interview, Gold coolly declared, “Hey, I never meant that seriously. I’ve always said that it’s a fake Time magazine cover. It’s not my fault if the media is going to go ahead and take something I say in jest as serious.”

Gold grew defensive when asked if he was being serious now or was he still kidding. “That’s a trick question, and I’m not going to answer it. Good day, sir.”

Fake Time Magazine Cover Not a Shock To Fans, Clubs

Several rock clubs that had framed the fake Time magazine cover started taking them down as soon as the story broke. “I put up that cover myself six years,” said Cisco Rocco, the owner of Consumption Auditorium in Kings Nose, NJ. “Now, I find out that it’s all fake. Am I disappointed? No, not really. These are the Ass Clowns we’re talking about. They’re pigs. This is pretty much par for the course with them.”

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Rock band The No Talent Ass Clowns recently purchased what many call the worst wine ever made…

“Chateau de Twat” produced by the Chateau de Twat winery in Western France, is known as the worst wine produced anywhere in the world. Yet, the No Talent Ass Clowns stand behind this French red wine.

Singer Lars Gunblade finds himself particularly enthused about the new venture. “We’ve been backing some really shitty products lately so this is a good change of pace. Every week, I drink cases of this shit. To be honest, it’s awesome. I frankly don’t see how anyone could say that this is the worst wine ever. I mean, how could you really know that?”

Band Rejects Idea That This is the Worst Wine Ever

Worst Wine Ever - Chateau de Twat

Commercials for the worst wine ever have recently appeared on the internet.

Guitarist Vas Defrens likes the effects of binge-drinking “Chateau de Twat” after concerts. “It really kicks your ass,” said Defrens. “There’s a drawback, to be honest. If I drink too much ‘Chateau de Twat,’ I tend to shit myself after I pass out. I don’t necessarily mind that at all. Unfortunately, my pants can’t be laundered. For some reason, it eats right through any fabric it touches. That gets expensive.”

Chateau de Twat has had an infamous history of poisoning its drinkers. When Philippe Nouveau opened his winery in the late 1800s, many nearby villagers died from drinking it. As the years went by, Nouveau was nearly lynched dozens of times. Eventually, however, he corrected the formula for making his wine. Now, the number of deaths from drinking it has decreased considerably.

Since 1954, several wine aficionado magazines routinely label “Chateau de Twat” as the worst wine ever.  According to wine expert Johnny Tyler, “Chateau de Twat is the shittiest shit ever poured into a bottle and sold to the public. Worst wine ever is almost an understatement.”

The No Talent Ass Clowns plan on devoting more and more time to their wine venture. “We have a lot of problems with the Feds and taxes and shit. If this takes off, we may go to France and hide out there. Let’s face it, French chicks are hot so why not?”

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Rock star Lars Gunblade has turned filmmaker with the first of his “10-Second Stories” on YouTube:

Gunblade recently told reporters that he’s a bit bored with making music so he started toying around with film-making. “It’s a pretty easy thing making films really,” said the controversial rock star. “And truthfully, I don’t have the attention span to watch a two-hour movie. That’s why 10-Second Stories was born. If you’re drunk or wasted, it’s easy to concentrate on 10-Second Stories, am I right? Of course I am.”

With the rest of the band on hiatus, Gunblade holed himself up in a video editing suite in Kings Nose, NJ for nearly an hour recently trying to craft the first of his 10-Second Stories. “I went through about three dozen drafts of the story,” said Gunblade. “I am always cognitively impaired, due to various chemicals and such. That makes a project like this a bit more difficult to finish.”

The rock star readily admitted that film-making was a pleasant diversion from the music scene, which had seen himself and band-mate Vas Defrens plotting to kill each other in police surveillance tapes. “Yeah, that sucked. Vas said he’d like to kill me so I figured it was time to lay low and try my hand at something else until he loses interest.”

10-Second Stories Could Become a Big Thing, says Gunblade

Gunblade enjoyed the film-making process so much that he’s now producing a number of 10-second stories. “Each one will be a profound statement. Better than any other films ever made. I know that sounds egotistical but it really isn’t. If it’s better than every other film, oh well. I’m not going to intentionally make bad films just so other film-makers don’t feel threatened. I don’t play that game.”

The first 10-Second Stories project hasn’t gotten many views, which doesn’t have Gunblade worried. “I don’t care how many people see these videos. The right people will see them. That’s what f*cking matters, man!”

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10-Second Stories

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As a leaked police undercover video shows, singer Lars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens want each other dead. Band members plotting to kill each other is pretty much uncharted territory in rock and roll… until now.

Since they are in the same band, that’s pretty awkward. But it’s not unusual for The No Talent Ass Clowns.

In video leaked from the Kings Nose Police Department, singer Lars Gunblade is trying to get an undercover policeman to kill Vas Defrens slowly and painfully. Police chief Mike Hunt said he leaked the video because he felt the world needed to see the band for what it was. “The Ass Clowns run this town,” says Hunt. “Their manager pays off my department regularly so they’re pretty much untouchable. I think they deserve a downfall. And I’m not saying that just because Lars refused to give my daughter his autograph. But come on… band members plotting to kill each other? Who does that?”

Lars Gunblade has been in seclusion aboard the band’s tour blimp since news of the undercover video broke but we were able to reach him this morning for an exclusive interview. “We’re basically pretty dysfunctional as human beings,” says Gunblade. “I’m messed up. I admit that. But wanting Vas [Defrens] dead is far from a crazy idea. It’s sound logic really.”

Vas Defrens was also caught on tape trying to get Lars murdered. “Yeah, I want him dead,” says Defrens. “I talked to Lars about it and he totally gets it. The whole time I was talking to him, I kept thinking that I should bust a cap in his ass but I chickened out. Maybe I’ll waste him during a concert. How awesome would that be?”

Ass Clowns fans don’t seem too worked up about the videos. “Those guys killing each other would be funny as hell,” says T-Bone, an Ass Clowns fan currently serving a life sentence for killing Lew Flapp, a fellow Ass Clowns fan who commented at this website. “They’ve done as much as they can as a band. This would be the next logical step.”

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band members plotting to kill each other

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Drunk musician kicks janitor… you gotta admit that it’s the kind of drama No Talent Ass Clowns fans expect…

When No Talent Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens kicked studio janitor Chico O’Brian, he probably never realized what he would set in motion. During a recent interview, Defrens was drunk even more than usual and blurted out the story. Just before he threw up and passed out, Defrens described how he assaulted a studio janitor who came into the studio unexpectedly with his “wet mop crap.”

Singer Lars Gunblade was  in the control room and has vivid memories of what happened next. “Yeah, it was hilarious,” says Gunblade. “The janitor moves the damned web mop around and Vas gets totally pissed. Then, out of nowhere, he kicks the janitor. The mop flies up in the air and the old guy just drops like a lump of shit. He starts moaning but we just ignored him for like an hour. That’s about the time we realized that, hey, this guy can’t move his arms or legs.”

Janitor Chico O’Brian was permanently injured that day and has never left his wheelchair. Since that time, he has tried to sue Defrens unsuccessfully. When that failed, he began showing up at Ass Clowns concerts and recording sessions demanding payment for his injuries.

“Drunk Musician Kicks Janitor” Story Doesn’t Bother Defrens

drunk musician kicks janitor

Guitarist Vas Defrens

“I don’t think those injuries are real,” says Defrens. “I pulled him out of his wheelchair once and he did a pretty convincing fall, but that just proves he’s a good actor. Every time someone hears the sentence, ‘drunk musician kicks janitor’ they always assume it’s me. Apparently, I’m the only rock star who has ever kicked a studio janitor. Who knew?”

Angry about the musician’s attitude, Chico O’Brian still wants his money. “I’ll get him one of these days,” says O’Brian. “I was just doing my job and he attacked me like a total dick. This guy isn’t well in the head, you know what I mean? If you saw some of the things I saw in that studio, you’d be physically ill. They’re sick people.”

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This rock band won’t pay taxes. And they’re already becoming a legend because of it…

It’s one thing to say you’re a rebel rock band and it’s another thing to actually be one. The No Talent Ass Clowns are one rock band that won’t pay taxes and they’re ready to back up their actions. In total secrecy, they built a stone fortress outside of their native Kings Nose in New Jersey where they installed extensive military defense works to ward off Federal agents coming to arrest them.

Singer Lars Gunblade supervised the construction of the fort and he recently gave an interview from the band’s ultra secret location located 12.4 miles northwest of Kings Nose off Route 40 (basically, just take the next left after you pass Consumption Auditorium). “Yeah, this place is state-of-the-art,” said Gunblade. “It’s all stone, bitch. It can withstand an artillery barrage with no problem. The moat means that infantry won’t be able to penetrate our outer perimeter and that’s key in a military situation. And that’s what this is, man. But it’s all good. We have the groupies here with us so we’re fine.”

Guitarist Vas Defrens defended the band’s actions in a phone interview earlier this morning. “Why pay taxes, man,” said Defrens. “What do taxes do for us? I mean, yeah, that’s why roads get built and repaired… and bridges… and highways. Yeah, sure, it goes toward making sure food is safe to eat and the air is breathable and shit but what else? OK, defense. But that’s about it.”

Band Won’t Pay Taxes: Feds and Fans Differ About Band’s Actions

Special Agent Timothy J. Thomas had harsh words for the band in a statement issued yesterday. “So this rock band won’t pay taxes. Well, aren’t they so cool? Listen, this is no joke. We’re going to jump on you. And it’s gonna hurt.”

Meanwhile, fans are impressed by the band’s actions. “This is really amazing,” said Joeby Wallace of Perth Amboy, NJ. “Who isn’t going to love a rock band that won’t pay taxes, I ask you? I mean, yeah, it’s totally irresponsible. That’s a given. But I admire their boldness. Sure, the Feds are going to track them down and put them in jail but it’s the struggle that fascinates me. And of course, if I get to see a pink mist where Lars Gunblade’s head once was, that’s just a bonus.”

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Rock Documentary Bombs at Premiere

Posted: 27th November 2016 by Lucky in Latest Ass Clown Updates
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The No Talent Ass Clowns‘ self-made rock documentary bombed at its premiere recently.

Totally humiliated, the band is naturally furious. “I’m pissed as f**k,” said front man Lars Gunblade during an interview with Channel 22 News of Kings Nose, NJ. “This documentary shows how great we are and no one wanted to see it. It’s totally awesome. You’d have to be pretty dumb if you aren’t impressed by it.”

Having suffering the humiliation of being cut from the guitar documentary, “It Might Get Loud,” The No Talent Ass Clowns decided to create their own rock documentary. “To be honest, we didn’t put much effort into it,” says Gunblade. “We had some old concert footage lying around and some unused bits of interviews so we just pieced something together in no particular order. It’s not exactly Ken Burns quality but it’s more than good enough for the fans.”

Rock Documentary Failure Blamed On Media

Rock documentary

Gunblade blames the failure of the rock documentary on the press, which did little to promote the film. “Luckily, we have Channel 22 in our back pocket,” says Gunblade. “KCUF is from our hometown of Kings Nose, NJ. Believe me, we can get what we want from them because I’ve had sex with every female anchor there for like ten years and every dude at that station has gotten tons of weed from us. So, yeah, I got my interview. Unfortunately, too little, too late, man.”

What caused the film’s lackluster performance at the premiere? The film’s distributor, Red Propeller Enterprises, feels the real problem was that Gunblade insisted that the film have no title of any kind. “How are we supposed to promote this f**ker?” asked Dwayne Mogley, the CEO of Red Propeller Enterprises. “What do you put on the marquee? We finally had to put ‘No Title’ because we didn’t know what else to do. This turkey is Gunblade’s fault. The guy is a genuine dick and we’ll arrest him if he ever sets foot in our office again.”

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The rock documentary “It Might Get Loud” doesn’t feature Lars Gunblade and Vas Defrens. Why? Because they got cut out of the film.

In a brand new interview, Gunblade and Defrens discuss their involvement with the rock documentary, originally titled “There May Be Guitars.” Front man Lars Gunblade was initially behind the project. “It was awesome that we were going to be in it,” said Gunblade. “It would would have meant some serious legitimacy for the project. The finished film only shows Jimmy Page, The Edge and Jack White. Well, big deal! I’m sorry, but without Vas and me, it’s an incomplete picture of great rock guitarists.”

Ass Clowns Manager Jerry Gold was only recently able to obtain the deleted footage from “It Might Get Loud” so that it could be shown during the latest Ass Clowns interview. “Yeah, for years they didn’t want to give it to me,” said Gold. “Then, I convinced someone connected with the production that giving us the footage was really the only way to prevent me from releasing some damming nanny-cam footage from his home featuring himself and his babysitter. He sent me the deleted footage within hours. I’m very good at this sort of thing. Blackmail isn’t just my job. It’s also my passion. I’ll probably still leak that footage because what he did to her was the most perverted sex act I’ve ever seen in my life and that’s saying something.”

“It Might Get Loud” Sucks Without Us, says Gunblade

It Might Get Loud documentary

Original Pre-Release Poster

Lars Gunblade has never seen the famous rock documentary about guitarists. “Why should I watch?” asked Gunblade. “Without us, it sucks. I mean, I basically got a beef with all three of those guys. First of all, if you ask any of them about me, they always deny that they know me. That’s just wrong.”

The remarkable deleted footage from “It Might Get Loud” shows Gunblade and Defrens working on the unreleased song, “He Could Be a Viper,” which is of key importance to Ass Clowns fans. In fact, the track has only been available as a low quality bootleg demo for several years.

The sudden appearance of “He Could Be a Viper” in the new interview surprised die-hard fans. “It was cool hearing part of that song,” said a fan who declined to reveal his name. “I think it’s their best song. I don’t know why they don’t release it.”

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