Rectal Hall

Defrens’ unassuming entrance sign off Route 15 near Great Falls, Montana

No Talent Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens has never allowed anyone to visit his Rectal Hall estate in northern Montana… until now. The No Talent Ass Clowns Worship Site was given exclusive access to Rectal Hall last week, making us the only media outlet ever to go inside Defrens’ home.

Upon entering the main hall, we were greeted by a nude, all-female staff and we knew this was going to be a strange visit. “Welcome to Rectal Hall,” said Vas Defrens loudly as he approached us wearing a silk smoking jacket. “I bid you… welcome.”

He led us through various rooms filled with ass-themed furniture. He viewed our shocked expressions with glee. “Most of this stuff is custom-made,” said Defrens. “You would be surprised how little ass furniture there is to be found on eBay.”

Suddenly, two of the nude female servants hurried into a closet and shut the door. Within seconds, loud moaning was soon heard. Defrens listened contentedly, then shone a small flashlight at his eyes while staring at us. “Listen to them,” muttered Defrens. “Ladies of the night… what music they make!” We smiled faintly and avoided his disturbing glance. There was that wild story that The No Talent Ass Clowns are vampires. Maybe there’s something to it.

In an east wing room was a collection of photos showing a nude Defrens and a nude Trixie Beaumont, his porn star girlfriend. In the series of photos, they start off kissing, then Defrens picks up a chainsaw and cuts the famous porn star into pieces, creating a bloody mess on the floor. “Trixie loves this exhibit,” beamed Defrens. “She was really pleased with how real all the gore looks. I’m surprised none of you have thrown up seeing this. I did when I first saw it.”

Vas Defrens' Art Gallery

Defrens’ “Avenue of Ass”

In the west end of Rectal Hall is the controversial “Avenue of Ass,” an art gallery of various rear-end photography far too obscene to describe, let alone show. Nothing we had seen in the rock business prepared us for all of this. One of our graphic designers began to pray silently. As we walked along, Defrens seemed to be almost in a trance as he leered at his collection.

“It’s amazing, isn’t it?” he finally said quietly as he stopped to admire a particularly shocking ass image. “All of this is my life’s work. Well, this and hard drugs.”

Soon an ass clock on the wall sounded the hour, indicating that our time at Rectal Hall was over. “OK, it’s time to get the f*ck out,” hissed Defrens as he pushed us out of a side door. “I’ve released the hounds. You have appropriately 30 seconds to get on your car before they attack you and tear you apart. Stick to the road or else you will never get out alive.” With that, he slammed the door shut. In the distance, we heard the howl of dozens of dogs and we quickly jumped into our car and sped away forever from the infamous Rectal Hall.


  1. Montana resident says:

    People keep stealing that sign in front of Vas’ house. It’s never there anymore… no thanks to stupid blogs like this one.

  2. Buford Picklefeather says:

    I’ve always been impressed with Vas Defrens. I was a loyal customer of his Ass House in NYC before it shut down. Vas even came into the restaurant once. I said “Hi” and he said, “Fuck you.” Plus, I really liked his solo CD “Worship My Guitar.” I asked him to autograph my copy after a concert once and he just kicked me in the balls. While I was lying on the ground writhing in pain, he grabbed my girlfriend, took her backstage, banged her, then sold her to a white slavery ring in Japan. Haven’t seen her since.

    You gotta admit, not just anybody would do all that stuff.

  3. Sandra D. says:

    This is the most disgusting blog I have EVER read. You preverts make me want to throw up. You’re the reason the internet is so horrible. I hope I die before you post another blog so that I won’t have to read it and get sick.

  4. Leon Klinghoffer says:

    This story has restored my faith in American rock stars. Thank you, Vas Defrens. Thank you for letting us laugh about perversion… again.

  5. Nigel P. says:

    I give a huge thumbs up to Vas Defrens. What he did with Rectal Hall is pretty amazing. Wouldn’t mind having my own avenue of arse, if you take my meaning.

  6. Edna J. says:

    When I first read this drivel, I shook with anger and disgust. How can anyone read such horrible, horrible “blogs” about people’s backsides? Have we really sank this low as a society that THIS is entertaining? Have perverted musicians made us forget about real musicians? You can bet Frank Sinatra never had an estate called “Rectal Hall”!

    • Meat Pants says:

      Listen, Grandma,

      Things have changed. The reason you don’t understand our music is that you don’t like it!

      And, FYI, we are a different generation with a greater interest in ass.

  7. Phillip B. K. says:

    I find this blog highly offensive and juvenile. Peoples’ asses should never be seen or talked about, let alone drooled over as is the case here. Yuck.

    I am ashamed to have spent so many hours on this website reading these sick posts when I could have been doing something else. Thanks for nothing, you ass clowns.

  8. Sir Reverance says:

    A lot of the blogs here have sucked lately but this story about Vas Defrens’ Rectal Hall is A #1.

    Frankly, you had me at “Rectal.”

  9. Vim Fuego says:

    Vas Defrens is my personal hero.

  10. Zeus says:

    Now that we know roughly where Vas’ mansion is, everybody in my frat house is taking a road to Montana over the weekend. Should be awesome. I’m sure Vas will have enough bud lying around for a green day. And his chicks. I’m sure we’ll all sample them.

    • Patricia Worthington Hillendale says:

      I live in Great Falls and I strongly advise you and your degenerate college friends to stay away from our community if you know what’s good for you. WE’VE KEPT OUT THE OUTSIDE WORLD AND WE’LL KEEP YOU OUT AS WELL!!!!!!!!!

      • Zeus says:

        Well, Patricia, since you gave your complete name and said you lived in Great Falls, I googled your address. You better believe we’ll be visiting you when we’re there. So tell me, when you go dancing, who leads? Also, get some plastic sheets because me and my buddies like it greasy.

        • Patricia Worthington Hillendale says:

          Well, Zeus and his friends just left my house. I was wrong about them. They’re smart and funny and as it turns out, excellent lovers. I certainly had never done THAT before. The door’s always open, guys. ALWAYS.

  11. Walter S. says:

    My hat is off to Vas Defrens. He is the best! Wish I could see Rectal Hall. It sounds amazing.

    • Not Lew Flapp says:

      I am particularly intrigued with this “Avenue of Ass” that Vas Defrens created. I usually avoid art museums because they’re so fucking pretentious. But this of thing I could look at all day and then some.

      Just saying.

      • Warrior Goddess 52 says:

        This artwork holds far more appeal to me than some dusty old Dutch Masters or some crappy French Impressionist stuff. Vas’ art gallery speaks to me and what I’m interested in.

        Kudos, Vas! See you backstage at Consumption Auditorium!!!

  12. Vinnie from Staten Island says:

    Reading about Vas’ mansion truly inspired me. I want many of the same things as Vas, namely the chicks and drugs. One day, I hope I can be half the dude Vas is. Thank yous for this amazing story.

    • FRw2389 says:

      You must be friggning insane. My cousin saw this story and she’s still in the bathroom throwing up.

    • Buford Picklefeather says:

      Great stuff. But those ass photos are tooo small to see! Disappointed.

      • Martin Sloane says:

        Agreed. If I’m going to be shocked, I want to be shocked by something that’s as high resolution as possible so that I can see every luscious detail.

  13. Mary, Idaho says:

    My 5th grade class and I follow this blog all the time. Imagine my shock and disgust when I saw this garbage about Rectal Hall and Vas’ ass photos. I wanted to throw up.

  14. Erica G. says:

    Appalling. Absolutely appalling. Yet I can’t look away.

  15. Meat Pants says:

    What a great blog. Made me feel like I was there.

    • Susan B. says:

      Sounded like a trip to Castle Dracula to me. What a disgusting person Vas Defrens is. If I had been on that walking tour, I would have shot him dead in his own house but I’m sure that’s exactly what he would have wanted!!!

      • Great Falls citizen says:

        I live not far from Rectal Hall. You wouldn’t believe some of the weird shit that goes on over there. Defrens has really brought this whole area down. You can’t walk around for fear of coming across some outdoor nude orgy on his property, which seems to take place daily. I used to take a lot of photos of this kind of stuff and it was absolutely fantastic. Butt, it got old after awhile. Nowadays, I seldom even watch for more than an hour or two when the orgies break out over there.