No Talent Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens has never allowed anyone to visit his Rectal Hall estate in northern Montana… until now. The No Talent Ass Clowns Worship Site was given exclusive access to Rectal Hall last week, making us the only media outlet ever to go inside Defrens’ home.
Upon entering the main hall, we were greeted by a nude, all-female staff and we knew this was going to be a strange visit. “Welcome to Rectal Hall,” said Vas Defrens loudly as he approached us wearing a silk smoking jacket. “I bid you… welcome.”
He led us through various rooms filled with ass-themed furniture. He viewed our shocked expressions with glee. “Most of this stuff is custom-made,” said Defrens. “You would be surprised how little ass furniture there is to be found on eBay.”
Suddenly, two of the nude female servants hurried into a closet and shut the door. Within seconds, loud moaning was soon heard. Defrens listened contentedly, then shone a small flashlight at his eyes while staring at us. “Listen to them,” muttered Defrens. “Ladies of the night… what music they make!” We smiled faintly and avoided his disturbing glance. There was that wild story that The No Talent Ass Clowns are vampires. Maybe there’s something to it.
In an east wing room was a collection of photos showing a nude Defrens and a nude Trixie Beaumont, his porn star girlfriend. In the series of photos, they start off kissing, then Defrens picks up a chainsaw and cuts the famous porn star into pieces, creating a bloody mess on the floor. “Trixie loves this exhibit,” beamed Defrens. “She was really pleased with how real all the gore looks. I’m surprised none of you have thrown up seeing this. I did when I first saw it.”
In the west end of Rectal Hall is the controversial “Avenue of Ass,” an art gallery of various rear-end photography far too obscene to describe, let alone show. Nothing we had seen in the rock business prepared us for all of this. One of our graphic designers began to pray silently. As we walked along, Defrens seemed to be almost in a trance as he leered at his collection.
“It’s amazing, isn’t it?” he finally said quietly as he stopped to admire a particularly shocking ass image. “All of this is my life’s work. Well, this and hard drugs.”
Soon an ass clock on the wall sounded the hour, indicating that our time at Rectal Hall was over. “OK, it’s time to get the f*ck out,” hissed Defrens as he pushed us out of a side door. “I’ve released the hounds. You have appropriately 30 seconds to get on your car before they attack you and tear you apart. Stick to the road or else you will never get out alive.” With that, he slammed the door shut. In the distance, we heard the howl of dozens of dogs and we quickly jumped into our car and sped away forever from the infamous Rectal Hall.