The Groupies’ Corner: Have What It Takes?

By Lucky

By Luffy Laughlin, Queen of The No Talent Ass Clown Groupies

Lars Gunblade & groupies

Girls, not every lady can be a No Talent Ass Clowns groupie. Far from it. Let me demonstrate…

Imagine you’re backstage at a No Talent Ass Clowns concert. You’re drunk and dressed only in a g-string (or even better, a c-string). Now, another girl in the same condition makes out with you intensely in the dressing room while everyone in the band watches and takes photos.

What is your reaction to this situation?

  1. It’s disgusting and I’m offended
  2. It’s disgusting, yet oddly exciting
  3. It sounds like my typical Saturday night

If you answered “2” or “3”… guess what? You are prime Ass Clown groupie material!

I know from personal experience that nothing gets the band, especially Lars Gunblade, going more than the sight of drunken groupies making out with each other. Sure, you’re not bisexual or anything. Unlike if guys were to do the same thing, you face no social stigma of any kind, so why worry?

The Band Needs More Groupies

Why not join the band on the road today as a groupie? I mean, it’ a lot more interesting than going to school, am I right, girls? Free booze, free pot, free coke… what’ not to love?

Here’s a bit of advice… it’s best if parents and friends know nothing about your life on the road as a groupie with the band. We recommend keeping your experience as an Ass Clowns groupie on the extreme DL. Other people, especially cops, are very jealous of the lives that the band leads. Therefore, never tell them anything about you. For example, why would they need to know how old you are? Hey, this isn’t Nazi Germany! Remember the answer is always “21”… got it?

No Talent Ass Clowns groupiesAcme Urinal Cakes

  1. Sam says:

    Please forgive me for being a stupid spammer. I’m sorry.

  2. Joe Dowkus says:

    Hey brothers, we’re from the Centrailia area and would love to play this event that the locals truly dont understand. Check out RotGuts we’re the coal regions biggest drunks!

    • You guys rock.

      The band checked you guys out and they were excited despite being in a drunken stupor at the time. Before they threw up, they said you guys are cool and that they wanted to play a gig with you. Of course, they lie a lot so it’s hard to tell if they’re serious. Just sayin’.

      Centralia could have been awesome! Maybe next year.

  3. Traci says:

    I answered “3”

    Am I in?

    • Traci,

      Yes, you are most definitely in! I have forwarded your email to the band and will send you some of their “requirements” for groupies. Some of it might offend you (a lot!), just so you know.

      • Traci says:

        Hey, site moderator,

        I read through the band’s groupie requirements. I’ve never tried requirement #7 but I’m up for it. I tried #9 with a girlfriend once but we had to stop because we started upchucking. #19 sounds kind of painful but I’ll give it a try. #24 is illegal, isn’t it?

        • Traci says:

          I recently left the band after almost a year of insanity. All the drugs and group sex was fulfilling spiritually but I was looking for a cheaper, trashier and emptier experience. Guess I’ll have to look elsewhere.

          • Jerry Gold says:


            The band is sorry to see you go. They were disappointed that you didn’t submit to a final debauch with them but they wish you well and hope the genital herpes clears up soon.

            Jerry Gold, Manager, The No Talent Ass Clowns

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