What Up
By LarsHave A Listen, Dude!
Blow Chunks Ballet — the most famous song in the set list for The No Talent Ass Clowns. It’s become a drinking anthem for college students worldwide. Today, it’s hard to find a frat party that doesn’t have Blow Chunks Ballet blaring from the speakers at some point during the night with wasted students shouting the chorus at the top of their lungs.
SCREW THIS… TAKE ME BACK TO THE DAMN BLOGS
The No Talent Ass Clowns (L to R): Lars Gunblade, Vas Defrens, Carnage Smith, Joey Van Dundro
Excerpts from an Interview with Ass Clowns singer, Lars Gunblade (courtesy of Cindi Ulrich of Rock Wasteland Magazine, Nov. 2010):
An interview with Lars Gunblade
Cindi: What is a rock band like the No Talent Ass Clowns all about?
Lars: You know… stuff.
Cindi: Did you rip off the name of the band from the movie “Office Space”?
Lars: No. The No Talent Ass Clowns formed in 1994… or maybe 1995. It’s all kinda hazy, you know? “Office Space” was released in 1998. Case closed. I ain’t no friggin’ Michael Bolton. We should sue those bastards.
Cindi: You’ve said you’ve been with 20,000 women. Is that true?
Lars: No, 30,000 women. After this interview, it’ll be 30,000 and one.
Cindi: No, it would still be 30,000. We hooked up after the MTV Music Video Awards last year, remember?
Lars: Oh, yeah, you’re right… how could someone forget a smokin’ hot chick like you?
Cindi: Pretty easily apparently. Let’s get back on topic… on your debut CD, Behind the Times, you sang about rim jobs and spankings on almost every track. Is there a theme here?
Lars: No, not really. I was just writing about what was happening to me at the time.
Cindi: Rim jobs and spankings?
Lars: I wish!
Cindi: Why do you tase audience members at shows?
Lars: It’s fun. Yeah, a couple of dudes have died but, hey, that’s rock and roll.
Cindi: You’ve had a well-publicized fight with Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters for many years. What’s the latest on that?
Lars: Dude’s a jerk. It’s so bad that if somebody mentions my name to him in an interview, he pretends like he’s never even met me!
Cindi: Some say you are a bad band and it’s on purpose. Are you really just a parody band?
Lars: Total BS. We’re as real as rock and roll. How’s that for an answer?
Cindi: What’s the deal with your new solo CD? Are the Ass Clowns finished?
Lars: Who in the f**king band put you up to that f**king question? I’m so out of here.
LINKS AND CRAP
TheSpoof.com – Spoof news, satire and parody.
Too f*cking lazy busy to check in here for updates? Follow the Clowns on Twitter: notalentass
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This band is marginally talented so their name is a total lie.
I watched a No Talent Ass Clowns tribute band the other day in Baltimore. They were actually pretty good.
This sight is totol garbige. I mean seriously. Do you reely think I’m so stupid as to thinnk this crappy band exists? I ask you. Am i stoopib? Do i have no brian in my head? this isn’t even a blog for good’s sake. a couple of blogs a mouth? blogs should be daly, ass whips!! I don’t find blow chums balllet funny or any of the pages on thisi sitee for that matter. Why don you give back the valuable bandwide your stealing with this excuse for satyre. Mad? You bettir belief it. You’ve taken my time and given me nothing in return. the no talent ass clowns is not a band. its a description of the peeple behind this web site.
Hey Reaper21,
How stupid are you? I mean, after all, you do have a “brian” in your head. Maybe if you had a Joe or Charlie in your head as well you’d be able to articulate yourself better than my German Shepard.
Just so you know, there’s a new thing in town… it’s called English. Try it. You might like it.
Anyway, your mom’s calling you for dinner so I know you have to go.
You caan bitte me, bingoling. spelling is for jackasses like you who thank that you ownn the world or somothing. now i really haate this sight even more then i did befur and i really hatted it befur! don’t tell me how to spell stuff. what are you? a teecher or something? why do you have to correct my spelling when you are so pathedic yourself. this web site is phony and so are half the peopple on here too. in fact, i’ll bet your fake too!!!
Hey, Reaper,
Seriously… are you for real? You seem mental. You really should get off of your computer and go outside.
Have a drink. Date a girl. You know, try something new.
o shure, make fun of me knot datting girls. and i’m shure youu date super modols every day, rite? The point i was traying to make befur you sidetacked me was that this band is bocus and so are you probably. am i just having a furious flame war with the administrorrer of this damn website? that wooden surprise me!!!
First of all, reaper21, if that is your real name, you’re an idiot. Did you notice how I correctly used “your” and “you’re” in that sentence? It’s called higher education. Give it a shot. As a matter of fact, there are many hot girls in college so, who knows, you may be able to lose your virginity there. It’s worth a shot, don’t you think?
All of yu peopple are against me, rite? oh, sure. gang up on me whith yur oh so cleveler correct grammur and corrrect ways of speeking. i dont have time for this shit. i gotta go to work. yeah i work. it’s this crappy adult video store but i have my own office and my own toilet. bet u college pricks don’t have yur own john in your office. ha!!!
Hi, I’m an asshole spammer. I don’t deserve to live.
Hope you don’t fuck like you write.
Oh, he does. I should know. That was a wasted 5 minutes of my life!!!
shure, i dont caare what you say about me. im better then you are. of coarse, my point was that the no talent ass clowns suck and so does every one who likkes them. i still think they suck and they do suck. this site is garbage and you are all aginst me. but i expectted that two happen becuz you dont understand anything. if you knew all the things i know now, you’d know a lot more about me. but you dont. im never coming to this site again because you suck and this band suks. BTW, i’m selling the rest of my justin bieber stuff on ebay if anyone’s intervested.
I tried that El Grande erection pill that Lars Gunblade is hawking these days. I had to go to the hospital and now I’m sterile. If I had known El Grande would cause me to shoot blanks, I would have bought it sooner!!!
God, I hate The No Talent Ass Clowns! Their music is terrible and their web site is terrible and completely self-serving. They’re blog whores and I hate them. Still… I gotta admit… they put on a good show.
They need a chick in the band! With a big chest and hot clothes! Otherwise they’re no BS! At least they don’t mask their music like that whore Ke$ha…, who knows if she can’t sing, when it’s obvious that these guys can’t. I hope they have a CD out soon. Next time my parents tell me to “turn down that garbage” I want to be able to crank som NTAC and crack some plaster!
I recently got out of a mine in Chile where I had spent 69 days trapped and cut off from the internet. Today, as I was lying in the hospital, I saw this Ass Clowns site for the first time. Having seen it, I believe I would be better off getting back into the mine and staying there.
The No Talent Ass Clowns? Who would want to see this band do anything other than die? Sure, I’d love to sleep with every member of the band but that doesn’t mean I have to like or respect what they do!
I get tired of people comparing No Talent Ass Clowns to Spinal Tap. Spinal Tap was a fake band. These guys are the real deal!!!
I’m really into The No Talent Ass Clowns. As a matter of fact, I’ve always been into The No Talent Ass Clowns. Who couldn’t be into The No Talent Ass Clowns? I asked my girlfriend last night after banging her, are you a fan of The No Talent Ass Clowns? She said that she was in fact a big fan of The No Talent Ass Clowns. The question is, is there anyone who isn’t into The No Talent Ass Clowns? From my point of view, The No Talent Ass Clowns rule. There’s no doubt about it. I suppose it’s possible if you had brain damage to dislike The No Talent Ass Clowns but how could you otherwise dislike The No Talent Ass Clowns? I’d like to make it perfectly clear that I like The No Talent Ass Clowns. Rock on, The No Talent Ass Clowns!
Mr. Repeato,
What the hell is your problem? Take your meds!
I saw an article somewhere that says the Ass Clowns now have their own blimp that they’re gonna tour in. How bizarre.
Vulgar Smith is dead? Say it ain’t so! I saw the No Talent Ass Clowns before they were big and Vulgar drummed his friggin’ ass off. I’ll never forget when he threw his stick into the audience and put out my left eye. Haven’t seen out of it since. That eye died for rock ‘n roll, baby!
Saw the Foo Fighters at the 9:30 Club in D.C. awhile ago. As Dave Grohl was signing an autograph for me, I asked him about Lars Gunblade. He looked at me with fire in his eyes and shouted, “No autograph for you!” and tore up the paper he had just finished signing. He said he’d mail me an autograph IF I mailed him a photograph showing me burning all of my No Talent Ass Clown CDs. Best bonfire I ever built!
I was at a show where the No Talent Ass Clowns opened for Foo Fighters in ’96. Lars and Dave Grohl traded insults all night and tried to sabotage each others sound equipment. Eventually all of us in the crowd had to start shouting, “Grow up!”
As BP’s CEO, I’m telling you that the No Talent Ass Clowns sabotaged our oil rig in the Gulf. I’m sure of it. I found an old email from Lars Gunblade saying, “Nice oil rig you got there. It would be a shame if anything happened to it.”
When we’re in the prison yard, I’ve noticed the fellows tend to get more excited when the guards let us listen to our No Talent Ass Clown CDs. In fact, the last riot we had came right after listening to Pucker Factor. Connection? I think so.
I hired the Ass Clowns to play for the BP Christmas party last year and they threw up on me after the show. When I didn’t pay them, they threatened some kind of revenge against the company. I think we have our culprit in this oil spill!
One of the best band websites I’ve ever seen! I’ve never heard of The No Talent Ass Clowns but I’m gonna try to check them out. They sound like the kind of band I want to hear!
This band is disgusting. I detest everything they stand for. They are a blight on society. They represent, as Shakespeare said in Henry V, “another fall of man.”
Although I do like those ass glasses in the Ass of Mass Destruction video. I totally want them. LOL.
The Master likes The No Talent Ass Clowns. Have to go. It’ll be dark soon and The Master won’t like me being on the web. All hail Manos, the Hands of Fate!
these guys are the best since Spinal Tap (watch your back, Joey!)
I heard from one of the web site guys that the web site is gonna offer some No Talent Ass Clowns products real soon. Freakin’ cool! I get sick of being ripped off at their concerts for $50 t-shirts.
Damn, you DO have good information! I see No Talent Ass Clowns merchandise is now on the website. I want that t-shirt!
I googled “ass” and this is what I get? Not interested… although I sure like those ass glasses that Lars Gunblade wears.
Ass Clowns? Let me just say this about ass…
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name withheld,
a lot of people react the same way the first time they hear No Talent Ass Clowns. hell, i threw up for days and had nightmares. you eventually get over it.
I find this band disturbing… yet oddly exciting.
I’m with you, girl. I’ve made a lot of bad decisions after listening to their music.
Can’t wait to hear Vas Defrens’ “Worship My Guitar.” Gonna be great. Don’t believe the negative press on it. It’s gonna be even better than Lou Reed’s “Metal Machine Music.”
Where can I buy “ass glasses” like what Lars Gunblade wore in the “Ass of Mass Destruction” video? They were cool. Great video too! Too bad no one will air it anymore!!!
Vas and I hooked up after the opening of the Ass House Restaurant. He did things to me that most of my girlfriends would consider disgusting. It was cool doing it in a limo. Vas, look me up the next time you’re in the city. I bought that nun’s outfit you were talking about too! And, Vas, just so you know… I’m writing this naked.
Trixie,
You lie! We’ll need some kind of photographic proof to verify your statement.
Retro,
Did you get the photographic proof I sent you? I hope you like it.
Trixie,
Yeah. I got it. You didn’t mention that you weigh like 500 pounds. It would have been helpful to know that in advance. Please don’t email me anymore-ever. Thanks.
Can someone tell me why the critics act like this band don’t exist? I think No Talent Ass Clowns is one of the best hard rock bands I’ve never heard.
Richard,
I’ll tell you why. They’re jealous! They only wish they had as much talent as the No Talent Ass Clowns!
Just listened to my first No Talent Ass Clowns CD. I’m a believer. The No Talent Ass Clowns IS the best band on earth. Really like Joey Van Dundro and his drumming style because I’m a drummer too.
WTF? This band is fake. What’s wrong with all you people?
hey warrior:
fake, huh? does that mean I have to return all of my Ass Clowns CDs. do I have to have my memory erased so I won’t remember their kick ass concert at Consumption Auditorium??? get a life, dude. you and that guy stan need to go troll somewhere else.
Wow, back off, dude. OK, guess I’ll check ’em out some time. Why don’t they tour better venues then? I never even heard of Consumption Auditorium.
Don’t buy any CD by the No Talent Ass Clowns. Save your friggin’ money and hit yourself in the head with a hammer for 60 minutes — it’s about the same experience. I hate these guys.
Hey, sammy q, blow me, dude.
luv these guys. best f*cking band ever. if you like shit rock, there’s plenty of bands 4 U to choose from. Dick!
I’ve hooked up with more chicks at No Talent Ass Clowns than every other show combined. Ass clowns, you rock!
Chad,
You’re right. My girlfriend is up for just about anything after an Ass Clowns concert. And I mean anything!
Seriously, you guys are right!!!
You’d think girls would be kinda put off by the non-stop sexist lyrics on virtually every No Talent Ass Clowns song but it seems like just the opposite. My girlfriend sings along to songs like “Assume the position” and “Do You? (I hope so!)” when I’m driving the tractor trailer.
I’m reaping the benefits (if you know what I mean) but it’s kind of surprising.
a bunch of us went to the ass house restaurant last night. i kept hoping to see Vas Defrens there but no luck. the girl I was with was a little creeped out by all the ass stuff everywhere but she agreed that the fillet of cow ass was really good. i think Vas had a great idea with the ass house. we’re definitely goin back.
We took a vote in our cell block about what’s the best No Talent Ass Clowns song. The vote was unanimous for “Tight Squeeze.” We can really relate to the lyrics of that song.
You guys are great!
OU812,
Eat it. No Talent Ass Clowns totally rock. The Say Hello to My Posterior tour was their best yet. I’ll never forget it because I lost my virginity at that concert to some guy sitting right behind me. Thanks whoever you were!
Kelly From CA,
So that was you? Glad to finally get your name. It was fun. BTW, you might want to get yourself checked out. I’ve been having some problems downstairs lately.
Best band on earth? These guys are has-beens. Wait, that would mean they were something once. I saw them five years ago and it was one of the worst concerts I ever saw.
Carnage is a really nice guy. This is a frame-up. He doesn’t do heroin. He does coke.
Lars is totally full of shit. He’s gonna leave the Ass Clowns. You watch.