The Old Blue Last Concertgoers Tased By Band

By Lucky

The Old Blue Last, LondonSeveral music fans were tased by infamous American band The No Talent Ass Clowns during a recent concert at the Old Blue Last in Shoreditch. Lead singer Lars Gunblade delights in using a taser on fans, something he revealed in a recent video interview. Some London fans were terrified when Gunblade pulled out the taser while the band played their popular song “Blow Chunks Ballet” and started repeatedly shocking fans in the front row.

“Bloody hell,” said No Talent Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens. “Fans are bastards for the most part and the fans in London are particularly annoying and they exactly know why. We only played this gig for the money because, let’s be honest here, who would go to the Old Blue Last or Shoreditch if they didn’t have to? Seriously, the East End looks like my back end. Nothing personal.”

“The Old Blue Last has that reputation of hosting big names who play on the DL just before a new CD release,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “So we figured we’d come over here from America and show these people what rock and roll actually is. I mean, after all, it’s our music and they’re just borrowing it. That’s always kind of bugged me.”

“We told the Shoreditch fans to piss off, which is something we typically do,” continued Gunblade. “They got kind of annoyed so I pulled out the taser and let loose the dogs of war on these limey bastards, no offence. I used my taser on about seven or eight hipsters and I zapped a couple of them more than once. It’s true, they rolled back and forth and went into convulsions but that’s rock and roll. At any rate, Shoreditch fans got a rock concert at the Old Blue Last that was not our absolute worst gig and I did it with several bored housewives from Knightsbridge. All in all, London worked out quite well for me.”

The Old Blue Last fans were upset about the tasing. “That Lars Gunblade bastard tased my boyfriend over and over again,” said Ann, age 28. “He was a bit off after the show. While I went backstage to shag the Ass Clowns and their surprisingly well-endowed roadies, my boyfriend bloody well disappeared. I was told the constables found him a few hours later unconscious in a circus clown outfit on Luke Street, you know right by that f*cking Edwin’s French Wine Bar. I think there’s a definite connection to the whole tasing thing.”

“I saw a few of those poor bastards who had been tased when they left the show,” said Cilla, an OAP who lives near the Old Blue Last in London. “They constantly gobbed all over each other and started speaking what sounded like Klingon. They had quite obviously soiled themselves several times. Of course, I had a jolly good laugh but, crikey, it was a trifle pathetic in a way.”

Next Rock Concert at the Old Blue Last Could Mean Dead Fans

“The front row at the Old Blue Last is about to get very dangerous,” said Gunblade. “Next time, my taser is going to do a lot more than just tase people. Next time, I’m going to waste some blokes with that taser. All it really takes is just a bit of after-market modification. Surprisingly easy actually. Some people are going to die for rock and roll. I’m serious.”

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