Van Wezel Concertgoers Tased by Band

By Lucky

The Van Wezel, Sarasota FLMusic fans were repeatedly tased by infamous band The No Talent Ass Clowns during a recent concert at the Van Wezel Performing Arts Hall in Sarasota, Florida. Lead singer Lars Gunblade apparently enjoys using a taser on fans in the front row at Ass Clowns concerts, something that Gunblade talked about in a video interview. Some Sarasota, Florida fans were horrified when Gunblade pulled out the taser while the band played their crowd-pleasing song “Blow Chunks Ballet” and started shocking particularly rowdy fans in the front row.

“I friggin’ loved it,” said No Talent Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens. “In our experience, the fans are pretty much dicks and the fans in Sarasota are more annoying than most and they exactly know why. We only played this gig for the money because, come on, who would go to the Van Wezel or Sarasota if they didn’t have to?”

“The Van Wezel is only on the map because people like Johnny Cash played the place,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “We’ll give the place a break because the man in black played a gig here but we really don’t like it at the Van Mezel at all. Too snotty. Anything even vaguely inspired by Frank Lloyd Wright makes me want to vomit. It only felt right to leave those upper-deckers in the bathrooms backstage.”

“We told the Sarasota fans that we hate them, which is something we typically do,” continued Gunblade. “They got kind of pissed off so I pulled out my trusty taser and applied a little attitude adjustment on these Sunshine State residents. I zapped about eight or nine hipsters and I zapped a couple of them more than once. Yeah, they rolled back and forth and kind of flipped out but that’s rock and roll, am I right? Be that as it may, Sarasota fans got a rock concert at the Van Mezel that was a least partially listenable and I banged about half the women’s soccer team from the University of South Florida. All in all, a pretty good experience, I’d say.”

The Van Wezel fans weren’t very pleased about the tasing, however. “Lars tased my boyfriend over and over again,” said Alicia, age 29. “He was a bit messed up after the show. He stared and didn’t have any expression of any kind. While I went backstage to bang the Ass Clowns and their well-endowed roadies, my boyfriend disappeared. I was told the Sarasota cops found him a few hours later unconscious in women’s clothing on 47th Street in West Bradenton near the Holiday Inn Express. I think there’s a definite connection to the whole tasing thing.”

“I witnessed some of those poor people who had been tased when they left the show,” said Alexandra, a retired woman who lives near the Van Wezel in Sarasota, Florida. “They drooled constantly all over each other and started speaking what sounded like Latin perhaps. Of course, I got a good laugh out of it but, damn, it was kind of pathetic in a way.”

Next Rock Concert at the Van Wezel Could Mean Dead Fans

“The front row at the Van Wezel had it easy this time,” said Gunblade. “That was more or less a Starfleet Away Team with phasers on stun. Next time, phasers will be on the kill setting. All it really takes is a little after-market modification. You’d be surprised how easy it actually is. Some people say they’d die for rock and roll. Well, OK, cool. Let’s find out if you were bullshitting when you said that.”

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