Factory-Sealed Fornicators

By Lucky
Factory-Sealed Fornicators

Factory-Sealed Fornicators

The first Lars Gunblade record ever! The legendary long-lost album has been found!

Tracks:

  1. Something Fell Out of Herman
  2. That Chick’s a Guy
  3. Sex Me Up, Hose Me Down
  4. 80 Proof Love
  5. Blow Chunks Ballet
  6. Brown Helmet Bingo

It took a search of every cut-out record bin in the country but we finally located the debut record from Lars Gunblade, circa 1991. Although Factory-Sealed Fornicators broke up two weeks after the record came out, it’s an interesting look into the beginnings of the Gunblade legend. Lars says this album was a big mistake and it’s not music he wants anyone to listen to ever again.

Part of Gunblade’s hostility may be toward then-wife, Staci Stevens (she’s the bimbo sporting the Lars tattoo on the cover of the album). Staci subsequently married ex-Ass Clowns drummer, the late Vulgar Smith.

Fans, however, will be intrigued by the fact that it contains an early version of “Blow Chunks Ballet” with even more retching sounds than in the version on Behind The Times or Songs About Stuff. The record is, well, it’s pretty bad. In a special section called 1991’s Losers, Rolling Stone magazine had this to say:

“1991 has been quite a year. You’ve got your great breakthrough bands like Nirvana and you’ve got bands that should be killed slowly with a dull knife like Factory-Sealed Fornicators. If hell has a soundtrack, it’s got to be Limited Edition Bimbo Collection. In 30 horrific minutes, we get six tracks of regrettable music that defy classification (and not in a good way). Topping it all off is the impossible ego of the lead singer who goes by the name of Lars Gunblade. Given this unfortunate musical endeavor, I expect to see no more of Gunblade unless perhaps he is the one who rings up my next purchase of ‘Barely Legal’ at the convenience store.”

The Factory-Sealed Fornicators were:

  • Lars Gunblade: vocals
  • Vas Defrens: lead guitar
  • Vince “Brutus” Gambino: bass
  • Antonio R. Bajoko: Drums

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  1. Anita Bryant says:

    My boyfriend was really into the Factory-Sealed Fornicators in college. He played this shitty album all the time. I hated it. Eventually, I told him that he had to choose between me and Limited Edition Bimbo Collection. He chose the CD instead and pushed me out of his dorm room naked. That’s when I met my ex-husband. True story.

  2. “Sex Me Up, Hose Me Down” was my personal anthem all through college and my first dozen jobs. In fact, I still use this song in my routine when I pole-dance at the club.

  3. Col. Andreas Emmerich says:

    When are they gonna re-release this CD? I want to hear it! No, Not There! Records needs to get off its ass and put this out again. If they don’t… well, it’s a nice office they have… it would be a shame if anything happened to it. Just sayin’.

  4. Concerned Minister says:

    Dear Lars Gunblade (if that is your real name),

    You are going to hell. You know that, don’t you? “Sex Me Up, Hose Me Down”… are you kidding me? You release this devil music and think there will be no consequences?

    BTW, my boyfriend really wants your autograph. Can you contact me off-line?

  5. Nick says:

    Found the CD on eBay for 800 bucks. It was worth every penny. The Factory-Sealed Fornicators now plays in my car stereo every day. That unfortunately was problem. I was doin’ 120 on a back street when a cop pulled me over. When he heard “Limited Edition Bimbo Collection” playing, he said, “What the hell is that shit?” and arrested me on the spot. Tased me seven times. Actually, that part was kind of fun. And I got FSFs to thank for it!!

    • Big Fan says:

      Nick,

      LOL. 800 bucks on eBay? Rip off, dude. I got it for 75 cents a couple of months ago. WTF is wrong with you? IMHO, the best song on there is “That Chick’s a Guy.” Believe me, I can relate to having this experience after picking up some chick in a bar who seemed way too into Star Wars for a chick.

  6. Liam from 'Derry says:

    Love that song, “Brown Helmet Bingo.” My girlfriend didn’t know what that meant. I showed her and now she’s totally into it.

  7. Ex-Catholic Boy says:

    We played this album at our Catholic high school dance and the Christian Brothers said we were going to hell for listening to it. I’m happy to say that they were right! Love the Ass Clowns too and it’s cool to hear where it all started. Good luck trying to find this CD!