Factory-Sealed Fornicators

The first Lars Gunblade record ever! The legendary long-lost album has been found!

Tracks:

1. Something Fell Out of Herman
2. That Chick’s a Guy
3. Sex Me Up, Hose Me Down
4. 80 Proof Love
5. Blow Chunks Ballet
6. Brown Helmet Bingo

It took a search of every cut-out record bin in the country but we finally located the debut record from Lars Gunblade, circa 1991. Although Factory-Sealed Fornicators broke up two weeks after the record came out, it’s an interesting look into the beginnings of the Gunblade legend. Lars says this album was a big mistake and it’s not music he wants anyone to listen to ever again.

Part of Gunblade’s hostility may be toward then-wife, Staci Stevens (she’s the bimbo sporting the Lars tattoo on the cover of the album). Staci subsequently married ex-Ass Clowns drummer, the late Vulgar Smith.

Fans, however, will be intrigued by the fact that it contains an early version of “Blow Chunks Ballet” with even more retching sounds than in the version on Behind The Times or Songs About Stuff. The record is, well, it’s pretty bad. In a special section called 1991’s Losers, Rolling Stone magazine had this to say:

“1991 has been quite a year. You’ve got your great breakthrough bands like Nirvana and you’ve got bands that should be killed slowly with a dull knife like Factory-Sealed Fornicators. If hell has a soundtrack, it’s got to be Limited Edition Bimbo Collection. In 30 horrific minutes, we get six tracks of regrettable music that defy classification (and not in a good way). Topping it all off is the impossible ego of the lead singer who goes by the name of Lars Gunblade. Given this unfortunate musical endeavor, I expect to see no more of Gunblade unless perhaps he is the one who rings up my next purchase of ‘Barely Legal’ at the convenience store.”

The Factory-Sealed Fornicators were:

• Lars Gunblade: vocals
• Vas Defrens: lead guitar
• Vince “Brutus” Gambino: bass
• Antonio R. Bajoko: Drums