Dress Like an Ass Clown with these quality products personally approved by the band members themselves!

No Talent Ass Clowns T-Shirt.

Make this the only concert t-shirt you ever wear. Tell the world you’re an ass clown! Imagine the scene you’ll cause when you stagger wasted and uninvited into some party wearing this No Talent Ass Clowns T-shirt. Their looks of revulsion will soon be replaced with envy! Proudly wear the likeness of the band members everywhere you go: at job interviews, in church, in court, on dates and of course at No Talent Ass Clown concerts! Other heavy metal t-shirts are crap. In ten years, you can sell it as a vintage concert t-shirt and put your children through college. Order Now! ((SOLD OUT))

No Talent Ass Clowns Trucker’s Hat

This trucker’s hat is a must-have fashion accessory this season. Be a hit at that run-down bar that’s going to be closed down by the health department any day now.

At the next NASCAR race, show that lily-white crowd this bad boy and watch their jaws drop. More people may pick fights with you but it will be well worth it! Order Now! ((SOLD OUT))

No Talent Ass Clowns Thong

Makes the perfect present for your girlfriend—or your girlfriend’s girlfriends. It’s the thong that says, “I love you. Let’s do it in the back of the truck.”

When you and your girlfriend are apart, you’ll know Lars, Vas, Carnage and Joey are always with her, just a couple of inches away from paradise.

But don’t keep this quality product concealed! That would be a shame. When worn in public, this thong will always be a hit!

As Lars says, “Buy it or you’re stupid.”

Order Now! ((SOLD OUT))

No Talent Ass Clowns Ladies Maternity Shirt

Ladies, if you attend a No Talent Ass Clowns concert, it’s a good bet that in five or six months or so you’re going to need one of these maternity shirts. You know how those Ass Clown concerts are!

Keep friends and family guessing when you wear it, saying the band got you pregnant but you don’t know which one. It’s a great stunt to pull at baby showers for earning parental disapproval. Of course for many ladies out there, it’s no made-up story!

One of our best sellers!

Order Now! ((SOLD OUT))

Standard Disclaimer

These products are meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. All models over 18 years of age. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied.

Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to FDA approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem right for you.

More Standard Disclaimers (Because you can’t ever have enough)

Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate.

Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement.

No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. No Canadian coins. Use only in a well-ventilated are. Keep away from fire or flames. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. No alcohol, dogs or horses. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. Restaurant package, not for resale.

List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free number before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Package sold by weight, not volume. Your mileage may vary. This supersedes all previous notices.