Comments 12

One of the only known demos of The No Talent Ass Clowns in the recording studio has surfaced recently on YouTube. Stolen last month from No, Not There! Studios in Kings Nose, NJ, the rare demo is of a new song entitled “See You.” Apparently, it’s a work in progress for their new CD tentatively titled “The Crying Nosferatu Brothers.”

“This song is pretty special to me,” said front man Lars Gunblade during an interview at a local Kings Nose strip club. “It’s about this chick I knew. I was never really sure of her name. Maybe it’s Erica or Tabitha or Beatrice but I don’t remember. At any rate, I wanted to write a song about her. It’s been a deeply personal experience and, yeah, I kind of tear up when I work on it. It’s pretty powerful really.”

“I don’t see the big deal with this chick,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “I had sex with her too and I don’t remember anything terribly special about her except for the fact that she stole like 50 bucks from me. To be honest, that still pisses me off in a major way.”

To find how who this girl was, we contacted head Ass Clowns groupie Tawny Z but she couldn’t give us much of an answer, although she did give everyone at our website a happy ending. “I don’t know who she was,” said Tawny. “I mean I went down on her as well but she just didn’t make much of an impression on me at the time. She had nice shoes. I do remember that.”

Why is Rare Demo So Rare?

It turns out Ass Clowns Manager Jerry Gold keeps the studio carefully guarded so that no mixes get out before a CD is released. “Yeah, some groupie must have blown one of the studio guys. See, this is what happens. Thank God, it’s only a rehearsal and not a final mix of a track.”

The new CD is expected to be released soon. However, as the band has stated, there will be only one copy for sale. The asking price: a cool two million dollars.


Comments 9

In a shocking interview, it appears legendary band The No Talent Ass Clowns confront a shocking rumor: which is that the band had sex with their own manager, Jerry Gold, to get him to manage them. Singer Lars Gunblade viciously denied the rumor while guitarist Vas Defrens seemed to sheepishly admit guilt.

Band Had Sex With Their Own Manager? “Bullshit!” says Gunblade

“This is total bullshit,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “Whoever is floating this rumor is about to wind up dead. I’m serious. We live for rock and roll, man. That means anonymous encounters with hot chicks that we use and toss away like Kleenex. Now someone is trying to make us look bad. Not fair!”

When asked about the controversy, Jerry Gold told reporters, “Look, I’m not going to trash my band. After all, these are my boys. And when I say ‘my boys,’ I don’t mean that to sound gay or anything. Because it’s not. Not even a little. I mean, yeah, Lars and Vas can look pretty good when they’re up there sweating on stage, and if they’re wearing those really tight trousers of theirs. That just makes me human, not gay.”

Another surprising revelation in this latest interview is that the band’s groupies are simply paid prostitutes. “It’s true,” said Jerry Gold. “I pay four girls to follow them around the country and met them backstage in different cities. They’re just too stoned to realize it’s the same four girls over and over again. So they think they’re banging hundreds and hundreds of groupies. Yeah, it’s borderline pathetic. But if that keeps them happy, what’s the problem?

Lars and Vas Are “Stupid,” says Manager

“They can deny it all they want,” says Gold. “But Lars Gunblade and Vas Defrens are all about sex, drugs and rock and roll. I’m not about to have them realize that no groupies are ever waiting for them backstage, especially now that they don’t allow anyone to actually attend their concerts. I mean, if no one can attend, how can any girls make it backstage? You see, Lars and Vas are just too stupid to figure that out, and that’s a perfect example of why they’re my boys. But please don’t misunderstand. I don’t want anyone to think that that sounds gay… because it’s not.”


Comments 9

Guitarist Vas Defrens of The No Talent Ass Clowns recently killed a concertgoer in Boston with the bayonet that he has custom-fitted onto his Les Paul guitar. After Ass Clowns manager Jerry Gold met with Boston police, all charges were dropped immediately.

“Every guitarist should have a bayonet on his guitar,” said Defrens. “It’s just the safest thing to do. At concerts, there are always drunk dickheads that want to rush the stage. That’s what happened in Boston. This dick nuts came at me and he got a taste of my cold steel. You should have seen the look at his face when the bayonet went into his chest. Classic.”

“I looked over and this dude from the audience was suddenly spitting blood,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “Vas pulled the bayonet out of his chest and the guy fell back into the audience. That was the ultimate stage dive, man!”

Bayonet On Guitar May See More Use

“I’ll use it again on somebody, I’m sure,” said Defrens. “Maybe it will be on another drunk a-hole. Maybe it will be on some guy who mouths all the lyrics of a song we haven’t released yet and are singing in public for the first time. If he knows the song, that means he got hold of a bootleg copy of the song off the master tape. If that’s the case, he deserves to die.”

Defrens owns a company that retrofits bayonets on guitars, which may be why he’s so anxious to promote the idea. U2 guitar The Edge has decried the idea of a bayonet on a guitar. “This is pretty sick,” said The Edge recently. “I think something is most definitely wrong with Vas Defrens. U2’s record speaks for itself. We have never killed anyone. We’ve bored some people, yeah, but that’s all.”


Comments 29

The No Talent Ass Clowns performed their new song “I Finished, Now Get Out!” on The Doug Fredericks Show recently. It was an amazing performance, given that the band seldom allows fans into their concert arenas anymore.

“This song is really a tender love ballad,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “I’ve heard that a lot of people will be playing ‘I Finished, Now Get Out!’ at high school proms this spring. I can see that! I really can. If I was a chick, I’d wanna do it after hearing this song. I mean, guys, I’m helping you out here. This song is better than a bottle of whiskey, although obviously that helps as well. So, you’re welcome.”

Unfortunately, some horrible people have posted this video under titles like “Worst Rock Band Ever” as shown above, which only serves to infuriate the band. “Hey, we’re awesome,” says Gunblade. “I’m sorry if some people can’t see that.”

Doug Fredericks Show Isn’t Popular With The Band

“Normally, we wouldn’t do bullshit daytime shows like the f*cking Doug Fredericks Show,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “However, Doug Fredericks has some incriminating photos of our manager Jerry Gold so we got roped into playing. Fortunately, Doug’s assistant was some foxy Swedish chick who was seriously into leather so it all worked out pretty well. We did it on the desk in Doug’s office right after the broadcast. Turns out his office has no curtains or blinds so the people in the building across the street got the best live sex show on the planet, if I may say so.”

Host Doug Fredericks of The Doug Fredericks Show is no fan of the group but wanted them on his show anyway. “The Ass Clowns really pull in the ultra perverts. And I need to reach that demographic,” said the aging host after the show. “The band left my green room in shambles. I can’t believe what pigs these guys are. And that song of theirs was disgusting. The only good thing to come out of it was that my assistant, Gretchen, finally let me make sweet love to her later in the evening after the broadcast. I guess that song may have played a part, I don’t know.”


Comments 18

The new music video for “Words of Wisdom” is angering fans of the legendary rockers The No Talent Ass Clowns. Straying completely from their hard rock roots, “Words of Wisdom” is pure electro-pop, which is something many fans don’t want from the infamous band.

Strangely enough, the song is only available on the New Zealand pressing of “Pinch the Loaf” and many fans had never heard the song until seeing the video. “What the f**k is this shit?” asks Ass Clowns fan Danny Zooco of Bay Ridge, NY. “I expect Lars Gunblade to rock my f**king socks off. And what do I get? Depeche Mode lite? That’s bullshit. I won’t have it. I’m just glad that this isn’t on my version of ‘Pinch the Loaf’ because I would have thrown up if I had heard it on my stereo system. I’ll tell you what… I got some ‘Words of Wisdom’ for the Ass Clowns. Stick to rock and roll, bitch!”

The Band Reacts to “Words of Wisdom” Controversy

“Well, the fans don’t get it because they’re all stupid,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “No one is going to tell us what we can and cannot play. If I want to play… I don’t know… Eskimo piano music, I will! Although I’m not sure exactly what that would sound like.”

The rest of the band is pretty candid in its comments about “Words of Wisdom” and the music video. “It’s all about Lars,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “That’s pretty typical but it’s a little ridiculous here. I mean, shit, the band didn’t even play on the track. We basically had nothing to do with it. The only reason we weren’t pissed is because some truly amazing groupies came to the studio that day and we nailed them on the studio floor while Lars worked on the tracks in the mixing room. He must have really been into the mixing because he didn’t even come out to partake of the groupies, which is pretty unusual for him.”


Comments 11

Legendary band The No Talent Ass Clowns have decided that they will only release one copy of future CDs. While fans are furious, the band couldn’t be happier.

“This is the logical way to do things in the music industry at this time,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “Not fair to the fans? F**k them. As long as some asshole will fork out two million dollars, we’re good. The bills are paid and we got some serious money. It’s the very definition of good.”

Fans have voiced their disapproval outside of the theaters where they aren’t allowed to attend the band’s concerts. “First, we can’t see them in concert,” said Niles, a film student from Nebraska. “Now we can’t even buy their music? Why do the Ass Clowns hate us so much? I’m seriously tempted to stop being a fan after this.”

“Do we hate the fans?” asked guitarist Vas Defrens. “Yes, of course we do. That’s not news, man. And I certainly hope that this makes that even more clear. You can’t own our music anymore. Why? Because we don’t like you. We never have liked you. We never will like you. I hope I’m being clear here.”


Comments 27

“Ass On Demand” by The No Talent Ass Clowns has a simple message that isn’t sitting well with some female fans. Like the “On Demand” button on your remote, the band finds that they have an “Ass On Demand” button on tour. And it gets pressed a lot.

“Hey, why do you think people want to be rock stars anyway? The money? The fame? No. It’s about the chicks, man,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “You could probably get rich selling real estate somewhere, but what good does that do you on a Saturday night? Bupkis.”

“Well, let me tell you, ‘Ass On Demand’ is sort of like the holy grail for the band,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “When we play it live, the audience is really moved. When I look out and see hot young mothers singing the chorus, it touchin’. I have to admit I kind of teared up a little.”

“Let’s be honest here. Who wouldn’t want ‘Ass On Demand’?” asked Gunblade. “I know you’re not supposed to admit that around chicks but come on. At least the band is being honest here. Give us credit for that.”

Ass On Demand: Not So Easy For Some Fans

Most Ass Clowns fans have embraced the song. “I think it’s great,” said a man who asked to be called Mr. K (although his real name is Kyle Longbaugh and he lives at 3927 Elmroyster Circle in Elmira, NY). “My wife wants to divorce me because I’ve tried to take this song’s message to heart. Turns out I haven’t had as much success as the band regarding this boy, this girl, this sex thing.”

Originally released four years ago, “Ass On Demand” showed up again on their latest CD “Pinch the Loaf.” When asked why they re-recorded the song, Gunblade grew indignant. “What kind of question is that? Artists may paint several versions of a painting. Don’t ask me any more stupid questions.”


Comments 7

Legendary rock band The No Talent Ass Clowns have taken concerts to a whole new level: the band plays to completely empty theaters. And the weird thing is that it’s 100% intentional.

“We had been building up to this for damn near 20 years,” said singer Lars Gunblade. “I mean, shit, these fans were just totally annoying. If it wasn’t for all the groupies, we’d have given up this gig a long time ago. Now, we buy up all the seats at each show and play our 15-minute set. Playing empty theaters is great.”

“The audience was always the biggest obstacle to playing live,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “It’s perfect now. I feel like we have finally achieved what we have wanted to achieve for a long time.”

“Personally, I think they’re assholes for doing this,” said No Talent Ass Clowns manager Jerry Gold. “Seriously, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that this isn’t financially sustainable for very long. I just bought another yacht. The Velvet Trench is a beautiful boat and the ladies like it too. But the bank is going to come after it if we keep doing concerts at empty theaters. This whole thing is really making me nervous.”

“We do what we do,” said Gunblade. “No other band would have the balls to do this. We do and we did.”


Pinch The Loaf Music Video Posted

Posted: 18th January 2016 by Lucky in Latest Ass Clown Updates
Comments 20

For some reason, The No Talent Ass Clowns‘ Pinch The Loaf music video and an accompanying interview got posted on Funny or Die. We’re not sure how this happened but we thought we’d link to it anyway.

“This video was two hours in the making,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “Several people are saying they directed it but it’s definitely me. I directed the whole thing and it’s beyond awesome. I watched a fan video for the song last week and proceeded to steal ideas from it. I’m proud of that. In terms of style, I think it’s where all music videos should be going.”

How this Pinch The Loaf music video wound up on Funny or Die confuses guitarist Vas Defrens. “I don’t know why some people still think we’re a fake band,” said Defrens. “I mean, here’s the song and here’s the video. That’s as real as it gets. Why this is on Funny Or Die is way beyond my comprehension. There’s really nothing funny about it. We were making a really serious artistic statement with this song. But, if it gets viewed, who really cares? Not me.”

Pinch the Loaf Music Video Proves Popular With Fans

“I like the colors,” said Amber Z., an Ass Clowns fan from Columbia, Maryland. “I find myself watching it over and over again. I know that’s not normal but I can’t help it.”

“I’m drawn to its hypnotic sound,” said Reverend Scott of Our Lady of Perpetual Turmoil in Bay Ridge, NY. “And truthfully, it makes me want to pinch a loaf. Even right now as I speak.”

“I quit my job so that I can watch this all day long without any interruptions,” said Bill, a former Wall Street stock broker. “It was worth it. I have no regrets.”


Comments 13

A new fan video for The No Talent Ass Clowns‘ hit song “Pinch the Loaf” is out and we’re impressed. Typically, fans post videos about how much they hate the Ass Clowns that are filled with death threats so this was a pleasant change of pace. Tawny Wilcox, 20, submitted the video to the band last week and front man Lars Gunblade was immediately impressed.

“Pinch The Loaf” Fan Makes the Grade

“She was stacked, I noticed that right away,” said Gunblade. “She showed me the ‘Pinch the Loaf’ video and I tried to catch a little of it while thoroughly checking her out. It seemed OK from what I saw of it. I’d just like to say for the record that Tawny is amazing and, as it turns out, pretty f*ckin’ limber.”

“I’d say that ‘Pinch the Loaf’ says everything about us as a band that we’d like to say,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “I only felt like writing a chorus so that’s all the words. That’s the way we roll. It also means that we don’t forget the words on stage. We’re usually pretty wasted up there so it’s very helpful.”


VIDEO: Words of Wisdom #6

Posted: 23rd December 2015 by Lucky in Latest Ass Clown Updates
Comments 14

Singer Lars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens of The No Talent Ass Clowns once again share their views on life as mega rock stars in this new video compilation. “Yeah, we’re pretty amazing,” said Lars Gunblade. “What we say is so much more important than what other rock stars have to say, which is nothing. Who wants to hear Bono or U2 or the Foo Fighters pontificate about things when you can listen to me instead? I’m much more interesting. The choice is obvious.”

“I don’t like interviews normally,” said legendary guitarist Vas Defrens. “But my wife Trixie Beaumont is the director. So if things get boring, we can always just get it on instead. With the camera rolling, of course. Trixie is always better with a camera on her.”

“Lars Gunblade and Vas Defrens really tell it like it is,” said director and well-known porn star Trixie Beaumont. “Normally, they’re so wasted that they can’t string two sentences together. But on those rare days when they’re coherent, I like to roll the camera as much as possible to get stuff like this.”

“It’s good that Trixie does a lot of these interviews,” said Ass Clowns manager Jerry Gold. “When they lose focus, she can bang them and get them back on-track. I don’t do that kind of thing any longer. Not with people I know anyway.”


Comments 9

Red Rocks looks large in rock history. But not for one band. Legendary rockers The No Talent Ass Clowns are mad that their experience at Red Rocks Amphitheater was “shit” compared to U2’s famous 1983 concert at the same venue.

“We showed up and gave a concert. That’s it. Basically, nothing happened,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “It was just a concert. Why was U2 given God-like status for their concert at Red Rocks? Tell me that! This is just another reason that Bono pisses me off. And I’ve got a long list of reasons. Personal reasons.”

“It didn’t rain, that was depressing,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “I was hoping the lightning would come and one of us or all of us would be electrocuted and we’d burst into flames and shit. That would have outdone U2 in a big way. But it didn’t happen. The whole thing was just a big let down. Even the groupies after the show weren’t that great. Except for Annette. Man, that thing you did with the thing? That was awesome. You gotta join us on tour. Next time, we want to film you doing that. It was definitely a talent you got going on. I’m like totally serious, man.”

“I can’t imagine the Ass Clowns ever coming back to Red Rocks,” said Gunblade. “Seriously, why would we? There are plenty of other venues out there and plenty of groupies we haven’t even tapped yet. So, we’re moving on. Red Rocks is definitely in our rear view mirror.”


Comments 4

The No Talent Ass Clowns have once again stated their requirement that fans must pay an annual fee for a fan membership card to be their fans. The lordly sum of $200 is now required by the band in order for fans to be able to call themselves fans. Two years ago, the price was $500 but the band is now giving a discount until 2017.

For that price, fans receive a fan membership card that entitles them to many exclusive benefits. “It’s worth the money,” says front man Lars Gunblade. “It would still be worth it if we charged them five grand. We’re not going to do that, however. At least not for the next fiscal year. In 2017, no options are off the table.”

It Doesn’t End With a Fan Membership Card

“I think a fan membership card is a great idea,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. The bad boy guitarist also created a fee for groupies to come backstage. “Hey, they’re getting themselves some Vas loving for nothing. I was being exploited. I should at least get paid if I’m being exploited. I mean, that’s only fair, right?”

“They’ve like totally sold out,” said Amber, a long-time No Talent Ass Clowns groupie. “Banging the band should be free. Paying seems so corporate. I’m really disappointed in these guys. But not so disappointed that I’ll skip being with them. I’m totally theirs after concerts. I don’t how I’ll afford it but I’ll figure out something.”


Comments 9

Pinch the Loaf - CDIt’s been quite awhile since we’ve seen a new No Talent Ass Clowns CD. The arrival of “Pinch the Loaf” on Tuesday puts the legendary band back on the charts. Although back on the charts will be difficult since Amazon has banned their CDs and numerous retail outlets won’t carry their music either.

“Yeah, it’s bullshit,” says singer Lars Gunblade. “We’re the greatest band ever but all of these pricks won’t carry the CDs. All we asked for was 100% of the sales. They should feel honored just having our music in their stores. Yet, they want to make a profit by exploiting us? They want to make money off of our sweat and our labor? I don’t think so.”

“The song ‘Pinch the Loaf‘ is one of the best things we’ve written in a long time,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “They tell you to write about what you know and I know about pinching a loaf so it made total sense to write a song about it. My wife [porn star Trixie Beaumont] helped me write some of the lyrics but she’s not getting credit because that means I’d have to pay her and I’m not going to do that. No way.”

Their band manager, Jerry Gold, produced the album and has said it’s a masterpiece. “It’s a masterpiece,” said Jerry Gold. “The Beatles had their Sergeant Pepper and I think the No Talent Ass Clowns now have ‘Pinch the Loaf.’ The sonic landscapes of this album are amazing. You’ve got it all here: guitar distortion… gastric accidents… shouting. The band’s entire career has been leading up to this moment and this CD. ‘Pinch the Loaf’ is kind of an allegory for what happens in your life. Sometimes, you have to let things go. That’s the theme of the album, although it’s mostly about literally pinching a loaf. This is Lars and Vas we’re talking about. They’re not exactly big thinkers.”


Comments 6

Singer Lars Gunblade of The No Talent Ass Clowns got tired of having his custom Gibson Les Paul guitar stolen on tour. “Some guitarists take cheaper guitars and make them look like a Gibson,” said Gunblade. “I wanted to take the opposite approach because I figure I’m way smarter than they are. You can find a thousand webpages telling you how to make a Les Paul knock-off look like a genuine Gibson but there isn’t one website telling you how to do the reverse. We were in real uncharted territory with this project.”

Turning a Gibson Les Paul Guitar Into a Knock-Off

Gunblade asked Rando, his long-time guitar tech, to take his top-of-the-line Gibson Les Paul guitar and make it look like a cheap 1970s Korean knock-off. “It seemed like a crime,” said Rando. “It really offended me to do what I did to that custom Gibson Les Paul guitar. But I didn’t have any other choice really. Lars has some incriminating video of me that I wouldn’t want to go pubic. So I adulterated that beautiful f*cking Gibson Les Paul guitar. Now, it looks like a shitty bottom-of-the-line knock-off that you’d buy for 50 bucks at a used guitar store. But, hey, that’s what Lars wanted.”

“Hey, problem solved, man,” said Gunblade. “Nobody tries to steal this thing now. Why would they? You see, that’s how brilliant I am.”

“At first, I didn’t like the idea,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “But now that nobody even tries to take the guitars told me that Lars, as usual, was right. I hate to admit that and I certainly wouldn’t tell him because he would become even harder to deal with than he is now.”

Other bands have not followed the Ass Clowns’ lead. When Foo Fighters front man Dave Grohl was asked if he will downgrade his guitar the way Lars Gunblade did, his only response was, “Who’s Lars Gunblade?”