Comments 9

Front man Lars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens boldly encouraged Ass Clowns fans to be violent during concerts in their latest interview. “Yeah, we did. Why not?” asked Gunblade after the interview as he made out with two groupies. “Ass Clowns fans are pretty stupid actually. Real easy to manipulate. Seriously, we pull the strings here!”

Also discussed was the band’s infamous gig at Historic Dildo Days in Newfoundland. After playing a concert date in 2011, the band was uninvited the following year. “That one stills hurts. Ass Clowns fans in Canada are missing out” said Gunblade during a break in the filming.

Directing the interview was adult film star (and wife of Vas Defrens) Trixie Beaumont who directed the interview nude to keep the two rock stars focused. “If I didn’t flash the goods those two guys wouldn’t be able to put two sentences together. Nude women make most guy’s brains shut down. Lars and Vas are just the opposite. Having nude women around seems to make them smarter. But come on. We’re not exactly talking brainiacs here but at least they can complete sentences and you can understand what they’re saying.”

“I’m sick of being interviewed,” said Defrens as he left the studio. “I’m sick of talking about Ass Clowns fans. I’m sick of everything. Seriously, I’m done with this. Interview the rest of the band if you want but I’m done.”

Rumors swirled about why manager Jerry Gold didn’t conduct the latest interview. We phoned Gold at his home but his only comment was for us to do something that was physically impossible. When we asked Trixie why she was directing, she commented, “Well, I wanted to direct something. I went over to Jerry’s house last week and let’s just say he got something in return. Although I must admit that I wish I had just banged him instead.”


Comments 19
Lars Gunblade

Lars Gunblade: He’s mad as hell about Funny or Die and the War on Rock and Roll

“Some m*****fucker is using my name to post our interviews on Funny or Die,” shouted No Talent Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade to a group of reporters gathered in the grand dining room of the band’s tour blimp this morning.

“This is bullshit!” screamed Gunblade, kicking a nearby roadie. “This guy is acting like he’s me and he’s saying that we’re a fake band. That really pisses me off. Where was this a-hole when Vas [Defrens] was playing a 100-minute guitar solo at Consumption Auditorium, huh? Where was he when I shagged the entire front row after a concert in Brisbane, Australia? This guy doesn’t respect the Ass Clowns or what we do. It’s just another instance of the War on Rock and Roll! These non-rockers want to take rock and roll away from us and Funny or Die is helping them. Well, I want my rock and roll back!”

Gunblade proceeded to tell the audience of a dream he had the night before. “I dreamed I was on a long road, possibly in Canada. And Kurt Cobain, his wings fluttering, landed beside me and said, ‘Dude, what’s your problem?’ And I said, ‘Dude, I can’t bear the weight of rock and roll on my shoulders alone. And he said, ‘Dude, you’re being like a total pussy.’ Then, he flew away just as I started to say something, which seemed pretty fucking rude to me but whatever. Anyway, that dream was proof that I have to carry on and do battle in the name of the Gods of Rock.”

At that point, Gunblade dropped his microphone and walked into a bathroom to throw up. The reporters waited for 10 minutes but the singer continued to have a fit of dry heaves until the point where every one in the room was becoming ill. The reporters left soon after. An angry Jerry Gold, the Ass Clowns manager, quickly had the reporters escorted off the tour blimp.


Comments 17

In a new interview, rock band The No Talent Ass Clowns expressed their anger that some people didn’t believe the band was real. Front man Lars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens talked about the fans, their favorite venue Consumption Auditorium and finished up by talking about how some believe they’re a fake band.

“Fake band? You’re gonna say that I’m not Lars Gunblade?” asked Gunblade with disdain in his voice. The singer became more hostile as time went on and when the cameras stopped rolling, he left the building and punched an elderly man who happened to be passing by. “That helped,” said the singer when he returned with a fresh bottle of whiskey in his hand.

The Ass Clowns were quick to discuss their hatred of their fans. “They know we detest them,” said Gunblade during the interview. “We hate our fans and they know it.” Gunblade’s comments about killing fans and putting their heads on pikes was deleted at the last moment by director Jerry Gold. “Lars sometimes goes a little too far,” said Gold later.

“One problem is that he hadn’t had any groupies for almost a week so he was really tense,” added Gold. “Plus, Lars was pissed that someone using his name put the interview on Funny or Die. That just really made the band look bad, in my humble opinion. Luckily, the subject of Dave Grohl didn’t come up or that would have really set him off!”

Gunblade and Defrens also discussed LarsAid, the charity Gunblade set up for himself. Gunblade was proud of himself for coming up with it. Defrens, however, said he deeply resented Gunblade for thinking of the idea first.

Vas Defrens appeared to be lethargic and mixed up his words a lot during the interview. “Yeah, Vas was pretty messed up during the interview,” said Gold. “He burned one right before the cameras started rolling. Trouble is it was primo stuff and he was on another planet after about a minute.”


Comments 28

Front man Lars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens of The No Talent Ass Clowns were in top form recently when they sat down for interviews for director and band manager Jerry Gold. The two appeared to be more or less sober, which is not typical for either musician.

Gunblade and Defrens talked at length about Gunblade’s long-standing feud with Foo Fighters front man Dave Grohl. “If you ask him if he knows Lars Gunblade, he’ll say he has no idea who I am. That’s pathetic!” said Gunblade during the interview.

“These interviews are f***ing great,” said Lars Gunblade as he relaxed with two groupies after the interviews wrapped up. “The fans can watch our interviews over and over and kind of live through us because we have such great lives and they don’t. We’ve always tried to rub our fans’ noses in it that we’re super rich and they’re not. I think that feeling of hatred and resentment really gives our concerts the amazing energy that they have. It’s that sense of loathing the fans have for us that keeps us going. Believe me, there’s a reason every member of the band packs heat on stage. If something does down, we’re going to be like Doc Holiday in Tombstone.”

“I don’t like being interviewed,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “It kind of takes away the mystique. And The No Talent Ass Clowns are all about subtlety and mystique. We’ve got a reputation as serious rockers. Doing this interview stuff really feels like selling out. And you know, selling out gives me a headache. When that happens, I reach for Alleve. It’s the long-lasting pain relief I need when I’m on tour.”

Among the more interesting revelations in the interviews was that Defrens isn’t a fan of the band’s tour blimp and Gunblade once ran over a man outside Consumption Auditorium in Kings Nose, NJ. “I don’t have to worry about the cops following up on that because our manager always buys them off. So that dead guy’s relatives can piss off because they can’t touch me.”

Strangely enough, neither musician mentioned their upcoming movie debut “The First to Die,” which has fans wondering. “It must be really terrible,” said Ass Clowns fan Dora Stanhope of Ithaca, NY. “They’re distancing themselves from the project. Still, I want to see it and so does everyone else in my cell block.”


Comments 14
LarsAid Lars Gunblade

“I gave my life savings to LarsAid,” said one female fan. “I think I got boned and not in a good way.”

For years, LarsAid has been on the IRS’s watch list of highly questionable charities. The fund, set up to benefit No Talent Ass Clowns frontman Lars Gunblade, has long been suspected of being bogus.

“Seriously, this is 100% fake,” said IRS representative Jonathan Tuttle. “You can only make donations in cash to a mail box in Albania. I’ve seen plenty of fake charities before but never one so obvious. It’s like this son of a bitch wants to go to jail or something. I mean, we’ll be more than happy to accommodate Mr. Gunblade and send him to the hoosegow where he can be someone’s bitch. I guess you could call that poetic justice. And I’m not just saying that because Gunblade banged my wife after a concert in 1998 and she left me right afterwards to join them on the road. That’s irrelevant. Totally beside the point.”

“LarsAid is my dream,” says Gunblade

“Hey, I need this charity,” said Gunblade after a recent concert. “Playing music and touring is work and I hate work. I want people to give me money for not doing anything. That’s my dream. And LarsAid is a way to make that dream come true.”

Many fans are highly supportable of Gunblade and LarsAid. “A lot of people are trying to kill me,” said Nick Ray Tummo of Fresno, California. “Somebody’s gonna waste me soon. I just got a feeling, a feeling deep inside that Lars could use the money more than me.”

The IRS has promised that Gunblade will likely to brought up on charges within the next few months. Gunblade remains defiant, however, and has promised retaliation if the IRS moves any further with their investigation. “I’m a rock star, ” says Gunblade. “That means I can do whatever I want. I’m beyond the law, just like Bob Geldoff.”


Comments 12

The First To DieWith rumors swirling in the Hollywood trade papers about a No Talent Ass Clowns movie, front man Lars Gunblade confirmed the band would appear in a movie to be released this Christmas. Entitled The First to Die, the cop thriller stars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens and the rest of the band in smaller roles.

Written and directed by The No Talent Ass Clowns manager, Jerry GoldThe First to Die tells the story of two misunderstood maverick cops who have to dispose of a jay-walking victim they’ve killed because they were bored and under the influence.

“The audience will really root for these two cops,” says Gold. “They’re total underdogs. They’re not at all likeable and that’s what makes them likeable. See what a great screenwriter I am? And I have to say that Lars and Vas are more or less adequate in their roles after some very careful editing.”

“Yeah, I’m the star,” said Gunblade during a press conference. “I’m pretty friggin’ awesome in this thing. Let me tell you, I wanted to go to bed with me after seeing some of my scenes in the dailies. I was made for the big screen. Seriously, check me out!”

The First to Die was in danger of receiving a NC-17 due to Gunblade’s and Defren’s insistence that their sex scene with costar Trixie Beaumont not be simulated. Beamount, an adult video star, had no problem filming the scenes with the two rock superstars.

“It was easy,” said Beaumont from the set of her newest adult film, Ass Me Why. “It wasn’t anything that hasn’t happened a thousand times backstage after a No Talent Ass Clowns show. At least this time it was just the two of them.”

Eventually, the explicit footage was removed when Gold convinced his stars that the scene slowed the movie down too much. “Christ, it was ridiculous! The scene with Lars and Vas doin’ Trixie lasted more than 20 goddamned minutes. I gave them the footage and they seemed happy knowing they could watch it at home all they wanted. Problem solved.”

The First to Die is expected to break box offices records if it gets released, according to Jerry Gold. “This is a great, great movie and the public better come out to see it. If they don’t, they’re retarded. With all due respect to retarded people.”


Vas Defrens' No Food Diet

Comments 9

The latest interview with Lars Gunblade and Vas Defrens revealed some rare insights into the world’s greatest band. The No Talent Ass Clowns singer and guitarist let it all hang out in this new interview directed by their manager Jerry Gold.

“Lars Gunblade and Vas Defrens were in rare form,” said Gold. “By that, I mean they showed up and they didn’t appear to be too badly impaired, which is unusual. They seemed a little on-edge so I brought in some particularly fetching groupies I had waiting in my limo and they were fine after that.”

The two rock legends discussed many aspects of the band’s history, including when they faked their own deaths. “In the end, we survived and it didn’t kill us,” said Defrens at one time in the interview. Defrens also talked about Rectal Hall, his controversial Montana estate.

Gunblade went on at length about one of his death obsessions, a topic that seems to pop up again and again with the controversial singer. The No Talent Ass Clowns Official Worship Site caught up with Gunblade while the filmmakers were taking a break. When we asked what the band was planning to do next, the singer had us escorted from the building by two security guards with overwhelming body odor. Gunblade called us later crying and saying that he was sorry he had us thrown out. He told us that he would have much preferred having us killed slowly and painfully but there were too many witnesses.

Later, we got back into the building and approached their manager. “You’re getting a rare opportunity,” said Gold. “The Ass Clowns are an amazing band but they’re assholes. Sitting down for interviews like this is something you should be grateful for.” When we told him that we really were grateful, he had us escorted from the building by the same two smelly bodyguards. This time we were beaten unconscious. When we awake, our pants were around our ankles and our wallets were gone. Yes, we had been violated and robbed but at least we got the interview.


Comments 6
Nouveau Merde of LA

Lars Gunblade and two models arrive at Nouveau Merde’s Annual Fashion Show

No Talent Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade attended the annual Nouveau Merde fashion show last night in Los Angeles with two dates in tow. Gunblade, who appeared to be greatly under the influence, annoyed many of the attendees by singing several Ass Clowns songs in an odd falsetto and yelling to the Nouveau Merde models on the catwalk to “take it off.”

The No Talent Ass Clowns Worship Site caught up with Gunblade while his dates were getting drinks. “Nouveau Merde outfits our band,” said Gunblade as he downed a Jack Daniels in each hand. “I don’t wear anything else but their clothes.  But that’s only if I’m wearing clothes at all.”

A few minutes later, Gunblade made an odd face as he spoke with us. “Whoa, excuse me!” he shouted just before he hurled a voluminous puke that splattered on the marble floor and sprayed several unfortunate people nearby. For most of the night, people keep their distance from the rock star, afraid he would hurl again.

“Well, we have to put up with some strange stuff when Lars comes to our store,” said Tawny Z, owner of Nouveau Merde. “For instance, we always make love when we meet. Sometimes, like at this show, that’s a little inconvenient. Still, Lars is Lars so when he arrived, we went to my office and did it there. What was I supposed to do? They’re the No Talent Ass Clowns. They’re our biggest client and we pretty much give them wardrobes no else would want.”

After the fashion show ended, Gunblade became incoherent and was escorted from the premises by the police. “This is standard procedure with this asshole,” said Officer Edmund Exeley. “Every time he shows up at Nouveau Merde, we have to haul him out. Then, his manager gives us 20 large to let him go. It works out pretty well really.”


Nouveau Merde ad

Comments 21
Lars Gunblade's strip clubs

Singer Lars Gunblade shares a moment with dancer Cherry Bomb

Singer Lars Gunblade of The No Talent Ass Clowns has some problems. His infamous strip clubs, Take It Off, Bitch!, have been shut down by police after having only been open for two days. The FBI issued a report saying the franchise locations were being used as houses of prostitution and as a clearing house for No Talent Ass Clowns CDs, concert tickets and T-shirts.

The chain of Lars Gunblade’s strip clubs had a short but news-worthy life. They opened Friday night. On Saturday night, Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens was arrested for having sex with a dancer on a table in the dining area, and finally on Sunday morning, police and FBI agents raided each of the 50 locations.

“The scene in there was way sicker than you could imagine,” said Special Agent Phillip Wilson. “I’ve been to the red-light district in Amsterdam and that place is like a church compared to Gunblade’s club. But the whole prostitution thing wasn’t even the real problem. Gunblade was forcing patrons to buy his band’s CDs and concert tickets or he’d release hidden videos to the internet of them having sex with the dancers. That’s pretty messed up.”

“This is a good thing, ” said Jim R. Turnball, a patron of the club. “The whole brothel thing was great. I was with several of the girls. But I didn’t want to pay for No Talent Ass Clowns CDs. I hate that band. Besides, I’ve got a family. What would they think of me if I bought that band’s music?”

The FBI released the singer after Manager Jerry Gold had a private meeting with the agents. “Yeah, it was expensive paying off those guys,” said Gunblade as he boarded the band’s tour blimp with dancer Cherry Bomb just a few hours ago. “It’s sad that you can’t run a business anymore without the federal government stickin’ its nose in and tellin’ you what to do! I mean, who’s to say what’s legal?”


Vas Defrens Arrested at Strip Club

Posted: 11th April 2015 by Lucky in Latest Ass Clown Updates
Comments 8
Vas Defrens Arrested at Strip Club

Vas Defrens and stripper Taffy Pull minutes before doing the deed in the dining area as patrons watched.

Just one day after band mate Lars Gunblade opened the “Take It Off, Bitch!” Strip Club in Kings Nose, NJ, guitarist Vas Defrens and stripper “Taffy Pull” were arrested on a charge on public fornication at 7:30 this evening.

As they were led away from the club, crowds cheered. Smiling, Vas and Taffy started making out again until police officers quickly pulled them apart. The band’s manager, Jerry Gold, quietly paid off the watch commander and the arresting officers and the two left the police station just 15 minutes later.

“We were involved in the very natural act of lovemaking,” said the dancer after being released from custody. “The fact that we choose to do it on top of one of the tables in the dining area while patrons watched doesn’t matter. Believe me, no one objected. Sadly, Vas didn’t even get to finish before the cops showed up and ruined everything. That’s not right.”

While most patrons didn’t object to the sight of The No Talent Ass Clowns guitarist and the stripper going at it, some were offended. “I came here to watch some lovely naked ladies,” said Father Kevin MacKenzie of Saint Sondheim’s Parish. “I didn’t want to see two people in need of some better personal hygiene shouting, ‘Yes’ every two seconds. Plus, Taffy’s foot kept hitting me in the back of the head as Vas was giving her the business every which way. That was kind of annoying.”

Club owner Lars Gunblade couldn’t have been more pleased. “Vas Defrens arrested at a strip club! I love the sound of that and I applaud that guy! I did Taffy last night so I think he made a good choice. It’s just a shame that we live in such a puritanical country that people can’t have sex in public without getting into trouble. I’d like to see stuff like this happening every night but no, Johnny Law says we can’t. We’ll see if that’s true after our manager pays off City Hall!”


Comments 8
Lars Gunblade's Strip Club

Lars Gunblade with strippers Velvet Trench and EZ Stevie at the “Take It Off, Bitch!” Strip Club

Legendary singer Lars Gunblade of The No Talent Ass Clowns has opened a string of strip clubs. The chain, known as Take It Off, Bitch!, had grand openings in more than 50 cities today. Gunblade surprised the crowd at the Kings Nose, NJ location when he announced that he would have sex with every single stripper in the franchise.

“I figure I can nail all the girls at the Kings Nose location tonight, then I’ll move onto the other locations as the band tours,” said Gunblade. The infamous singer claims his decision to open the strip clubs was practical. “I spend pretty much every day in strip clubs and it costs a fortune. I figure if I own the club, I’m in better shape financially.”

One peculiar aspect of each Take It Off, Bitch! strip club is that the dancers begin their act totally nude and put their clothes on as they dance their routines. “I wanted something a little different,” said Gunblade. “Every strip club has chicks taking their clothes off. I wanted to reverse that. The customers actually hate this whole idea, but you know what? If they don’t like it, they can open their own strip club!”

The dancers at the Kings Nose location were appreciating the new club. “This place is truly wonderful,” said 23-year-old dancer Sharon B., AKA Taffy Pull. “I was the first girl to get it on with Lars during the ribbon cutting ceremony so I’ve got some street cred now. He’s actually really horrible in the sack but I need the job. My husband teaches college physics, but he’s trying to transition to his dream job as a mop man at a peep show. That takes money because everybody wants that job.”

“Lars beat me to this idea,” remarked guitarist Vas Defrens. “I guess we can tag-team the dancers. Shit knows we’ve done that before!”


Comments 10
dead hooker

Guitarist Vas Defrens rocks the house during a recent No Talent Ass Clowns concert at Consumption Auditorium.

Kings Nose NJ police spent Friday night questioning Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens about a dead hooker found naked in his apartment recently. Amber Anderson, 20, was dead when police arrived at Defrens’ home in the famous Warehouse district shortly after midnight nearly two weeks ago. The naked woman had no marks on her body but the name “Vas” had been carved into her firm buttocks with an Exacto knife.

“Hey, I may have carved my name on her ass because that’s art,” said Defrens after being released from questioning. “But it would have been dumb to kill her. She was super talented, if you know what I mean.”

No Dead Hooker On Defrens’ Record… This Time

“Yes, we let Mr. Defrens go,” said Sheriff Brock Launders. “Vas is good people and he doesn’t deserve to have a mark like this on his record. A dead hooker in your apartment just looks bad, you know what I mean? Besides, we’ve arrested him lots of times and he kind of deserved a break for once.”

“Justice was served,” said Defrens’ wife, adult film star Trixie Beaumont. “I did a lesbo scene with Amber once and she kept upstaging me. If Vas killed her, so what? He’s a big star and you gotta give him more leeway than you would an ordinary person.”

“Amber didn’t deserve this,” said Tiffany, a co-worker of Amber’s who generally works the intersection of 4th and Commercial Streets in Kings Nose. “Vas was pretty weird as customers go. Amber specialized in kinky stuff but Vas took it so far that she kind of freaked out. Just two weeks ago, she was talking about becoming a nun to wipe out the sordid memories of sex with Vas. That says a lot coming from a girl who didn’t flinch at sessions with entire sports teams.”


Nouveau Merde ad

Comments 14

Jon Stewart - No Talent Ass Clowns

Apparently before he leaves The Daily Show, Jon Stewart decided there was one thing he absolutely had to do… tear into rock star Lars Gunblade’s latest interview posted on YouTube. In his usual smarmy manner, Stewart made fun of the No Talent Ass Clowns singer for so long that the guest for that day’s show, Vice President Joe Biden, had to be rescheduled.

Gunblade watched the show at a Kings Nose, NJ strip club and began throwing chairs and eventually strippers as Stewart tore into his interview. “This is bullshit,” said Gunblade as police escorted him out of the building. “I’m Lars Gunblade. No one makes fun of me. Not even me!”

“I missed the show,” remarked Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens. “I was pretty wasted when it came on and all I remember is waking up during the closing credits and finding a dead prostitute in my room with my name carved into her buttocks. Let’s just say I had other things to worry about besides what Jon Stewart was saying about Lars.”

Jon Stewart Savors Gunblade’s “Level of Stupid”

“No one ever said rock stars are geniuses,” said Jon Stewart. “But you have to admit… there’s a level of stupid that few people have explored as thoroughly… as professionally… as Lars Gunblade has.” His heavily medicated audience cheered as he wrapped up his speech and mugged for the camera (as he tends to do pretty frequently if you think about it).

In a mock-serious tone, Stewart concluded his commentary with, “You know, I’ve enjoyed poking fun at the Republicans… Fox News… Arby’s. But knowing that before I leave this show… I had a chance to give Lars Gunblade a final comedy enema… well, that makes it all worth it. Thank you, Jesus.”


Jon Stewart

Comments 8

The No Talent Ass Clowns like to talk about themselves whenever they get the opportunity. But they seldom sit down for an in-depth, on-camera interview. Luckily, a Kings Nose, NJ student filmmaker convinced front man Lars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens to sit down for a few moments yesterday. As a result, one of rock’s greatest interviews took place.

“I was nervous,” said filmmaker Larry Booth. “These guys are like gods… brain-damaged gods, yeah, but still gods. When I started filming, they really opened up about their music and stuff. It was amazing. Lars barfed on my carpet a whole bunch of times but it was worth it.”

“We wanted to show that we’re amazing, but that we’re also human,” said Lars Gunblade as he wiped the sick from his face after the interview. “I think people are going to be surprised that we’re almost like them in some ways. People are really going to be impressed when they watch this.”


Comments 10
Rock Wasteland Magazine

Yet another entire issue devoted to front man Lars Gunblade

Rock Wasteland has devoted yet another issue to The No Talent Ass Clowns. In this issue, Lars has a testy interview with famed Rock Wasteland journalist, Dora Stanhope. Here are a few highlights…

Rock Wasteland: Some say you’re a hopeless egomaniac who can’t sing, can’t play and can’t write. They even say you’re a perpetual liar.

Lars: Hey, I am not a perpetual liar. Wait, what does “perpetual” mean?

Rock Wasteland: Tell me, how is the band doing? Did Vas ask about me? Is he seeing someone?

Lars: I thought this interview was going to be about me. I want to talk about me, not the band. Next question, Dora.

Rock Wasteland: Does your music have a message? I’m assuming not.

Lars: Is this some sort of trick question? Because if it is, I’m not answering. I’m sorry, what was the question again?

Rock Wasteland: What’s ahead for Lars Gunblade?

Lars: I’m more concerned about what’s behind Lars Gunblade. And it better be some foxy chick with a 38 rack.

Rock Wasteland: How do you respond to critics who say you and your band are worthless?

Lars: Worthless is a relative term.

Rock Wasteland: What do you mean by that?

Lars: I stand by my answer. Next question, Candi.

Rock Wasteland: Dora.

Lars: Whatever.

Rock Wasteland: Well, I really have to be going. Thanks for the interview, Lars.

Lars: Wait, you’re leaving? Has someone ass*ole in the band been telling you that I still have herpes? Well, they’re f**king liars! I’ll kill them. I’ll kill them all! I got an AA-12 shotgun. They’re dead!