Comments 1

Singer Lars Gunblade of The No Talent Ass Clowns got tired of having his custom Gibson Les Paul guitar stolen on tour. “Some guitarists take cheaper guitars and make them look like a Gibson,” said Gunblade. “I wanted to take the opposite approach because I figure I’m way smarter than they are. You can find a thousand webpages telling you how to make a Les Paul knock-off look like a genuine Gibson but there isn’t one website telling you how to do the reverse. We were in real uncharted territory with this project.”

Turning a Gibson Les Paul Guitar Into a Knock-Off

Gunblade asked Rando, his long-time guitar tech, to take his top-of-the-line Gibson Les Paul guitar and make it look like a cheap 1970s Korean knock-off. “It seemed like a crime,” said Rando. “It really offended me to do what I did to that custom Gibson Les Paul guitar. But I didn’t have any other choice really. Lars has some incriminating video of me that I wouldn’t want to go pubic. So I adulterated that beautiful f*cking Gibson Les Paul guitar. Now, it looks like a shitty bottom-0f-the-line knockout. But, hey, that’s what Lars wanted.”

“Hey, problem solved, man,” said Gunblade. “Nobody tries to steal this thing now. Why would they? You see, that’s how brilliant I am.”


Comments 4

Mega-group The No Talent Ass Clowns are big on their music in mono, reversing a 60-year trend in music favoring stereo mixing. “It’s bullshit,” says Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade. “We want our music to be simple. That’s what you should always remember about us, we’re simple.”

“Well, it pretty much cuts the mixing time in half,” says Joe Roberts, a recording engineer at No, Not There! Studios where The No Talent Ass Clowns record in Kings Nose, NJ. “Now, all I need is one speaker and bam, we’re done. It’s beautiful. Music in mono is the greatest thing ever.”

Music in Mono: The Wave of the Future?

“We pretty much call the shots in the rock world now,” says Gunblade. “And you can bet that all rock bands will follow our lead soon. That’s right… U2 and Foo Fighters will follow along like good little boys and pretend that they discovered mixing their albums in mono. Ha! Before long, every rock CD will have a mono mix. I can’t wait for that day. Mono is how music was meant to be heard. Everybody knows that!”

Now, the band is demanding that fans return their old Ass Clowns CDs in stereo so that they can send them replacements in mono. But fan reaction has been negative.

“I got a threatening letter in the mail telling me to return my Ass Clowns CDs,” says Janice, a fan from Scranton, PA. “They said they’d whack out my whole family if I didn’t return my stereo mixes of their albums. That ain’t gonna happen. The way the sound travels from channel to channel on ‘Let’s Try Something Different’ is worth keeping. They can’t have my stereo CDs. No way. Screw the band, which by the way, I wouldn’t do under any condition. Ever.”


Comments 13

Rock Wasteland MagazineIn December’s issue of Rock Wasteland, rock star Lars Gunblade manages to inflate his ego still more with another self-congratulatory interview. Rock Wasteland, a magazine infamous for the number of “Special No Talent Ass Clowns” editions it has put out, has once again literally gotten on its knees and orally pleasured the vainglorious singer for The No Talent Ass Clowns.

Rock journalist Tawny Straker caught up with Gunblade at his estate outside Rutland, Vermont. Tawny was a bit surprised when Gunblade requested that she be naked and oiled for the interview but in the interest of journalism went along with the singer’s request.

As usual, Gunblade was combative for the interview but provided some interesting insights that Ass Clowns fans are sure to find fascinating:

Rock Wasteland: So, why is it you’re so great?

Gunblade: Oh, come on, Tawny, I think after last night, you know exactly why I’m great. I mean, I was, wasn’t I?

Rock Wasteland: Well, last night is probably best forgotten, don’t you think, Mr. Shrinky-Dink? Let me re-phrase the question. Why is it that you’re such a great rock star?

Gunblade: Let’s not undersell this, OK? I’m a total rock legend. Not everybody knows that but I certainly do. Other bands are jealous of course. U2 has always had it in for us. And the Foo Fighters, yeah, everybody knows about my troubles with them.

Rock Wasteland: You once said that Led Zeppelin wouldn’t be fit to open for you. That’s a pretty bold statement.

Gunblade: Yes, that’s true. What I said was technically true. John Bonham’s been dead for 35 years so his drumming would be pretty off. See what I mean? They wouldn’t perform very well as a band.

Rock Wasteland: Some people have said you’re a pathetic sexist who treats women like objects. How do you respond?

Gunblade: Look, I respect every chick I’ve ever banged. I mean, we installed a delivery room on our tour blimp for pregnant groupies. I think that says a lot about this band, don’t you?

Rock Wasteland: It says plenty. One final question: you’ve said you plan to do more touring as a solo act. Why?

Gunblade: Not having to split the proceeds four ways is a big reason. Plus, I don’t like the band. Everybody knows that. This interview is getting boring. Let’s get in the hot tub and talk about me.

Rock Wasteland: Works for me. Hopefully, the third time will be the charm. At least I hope so.

(reprinted with permission from Rock Wasteland magazine)


VIDEO: Ass Clowns Words of Wisdom #5

Posted: 2nd November 2015 by Lucky in Latest Ass Clown Updates
Comments 6

Kurt Cobain, giving the finger and staging the ultimate rock concert on Mars are subjects of this latest interview with The No Talent Ass Clowns. The interview, directed by porn star Trixie Beaumont, is the latest installment of their “Words of Wisdom” series.

“We say some pretty amazing things,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “The fans really hang on our every word and these are some primo words of wisdom we’re giving out.”

“It’s super important stuff,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “Everything we say is amazing and we change the lives of our fans when they listen to what we say over and over like sheep.”

“It’s really just the incoherent shit that these two belch out that makes it into the ‘Word of Wisdom’ stuff,” said Trixie Beaumont. “But it works so we go with it.”


Comments 5

Legendary band The No Talent Ass Clowns recently explained why they charge six times more for concert tickets than U2 does. “Why? Because we can,” said singer Lars Gunblade. Gunblade seems to have a few issues with U2 singer Bono. “I’ve always had a problem with U2. I saw U2 at their famous Red Rocks concert in ’83. It was raining like a mofo all night. I got phenomena from that concert and Bono didn’t. That has always pissed me off.”

“Lars and Bono don’t get along,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “They’ve met a couple of times and Lars told Bono that U2 was nothing more than an Irish show band. For whatever reason, that really got Bono angry as shit.”

The Ass Clowns apparently plan to keep raising prices every month. “Eventually I want each ticket to be $30,000. That’s my goal. Milk these ‘sheeple’ for all they’re worth. Look at it this way, they’ll appreciate the concert even more when they pay through the nose.”


Comments 6

Legendary band The No Talent Ass Clowns opened up about working in the recording studio. Singer Lars Gunblade acknowledged the difficulty of writing songs, admitting it can take him up to an hour to write a song. Guitarist Vas Defrens recounted the difficulties they had with a midget band recording next door.

Much was made of the band’s infamous “Ass on Demand” album. Gunblade declared that the song “In My Mind’s Ass” truly defined the band’s style. “We think about ass a lot. Who doesn’t?” asked the singer after the interview.

The segment begins with some recently discovered fan home video of the band’s 1995 concert at Gacy Arena in Waterloo, Iowa. “I remember that concert mostly because I had shat my pants just as we walked out onstage but I couldn’t change clothes till the show was over. Not the best memory in the world if you don’t like that sort of thing.”


Comments 5

Mega band The No Talent Ass Clowns recently discussed their childhood in Kings Nose NJ in a new interview released over the weekend. Singer Lars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens revealed childhood robberies at a candy store and a general dislike for the town and its mayor.

The two rock stars have always had a love/hate relationship with Kings Nose. “We love to hate it,” said Gunblade after the interview. “Kings Nose is the toilet of New Jersey. If you know New Jersey, you know that’s quite a statement.”

In addition, Lars seemed to be hinting during the interview at a sexual relationship with the Mayor’s sexy wife, former porn star Traci Trench. When reached for comment,  Trench would only say, “Yes, I have known Lars Gunblade for many years in Kings Nose. I cannot confirm or deny that there are secret sex tapes of us about to be released in high definition with some really good lighting and some very visually dynamic camera angles. Just keep watching my website for any updates about this rumored sex tape in about three weeks. That’s all I’m saying.”


Comments 10

Mega band The No Talent Ass Clowns have repeated their demand that all female concertgoers to be topless. “Doing concerts over and over gets boring,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “Seeing half-naked chicks during the concerts is definitely a morale boaster for me. That sea of ta-tas makes me glad to be a musician because, as I said during the interview, not much makes me happy to be a musician. So this almost makes it worth it. All I can say is that I’m glad the concert venues are so cold. That improves the visual a whole lot.”


Comments 9

Mega band The No Talent Ass Clowns have just released the fourth installment of their video series “Words of Wisdom.” Singer Lars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens continue to give us exclusive access to their original thoughts about fame, music and life in general.

Like several recent interviews, this video includes a short piece of archival home video of the Ass Clowns on tour before recording their first album in 1995. This footage was recently located at a garage sale in Scranton, PA.

“What we have to say is awesome as usual,” said Gunblade as he was leaving a strip club in Kings Nose, NJ. “I don’t want to say that you should worship our words as gospel, although that’s not a bad idea at all.”


Comments 4

A new interview sheds light on what happened at guitarist Vas Defrens‘ wedding with international porn star Trixie Beaumont. The elaborate wedding, which took place at stately Rectal Hall, the pleasure palace built by Defrens in the foothills of the headlands of Montana.

“If you’re goin’ to hell,” said Defrens recently, “go for the right reasons and I got the right reasons. My wedding day was complete debauchery and it was great. I had sex all day long and I’m not even sure if Trixie and I actually got it on. I’ve got a great life. Much better than any of the fans, that’s for sure.”


Comments 5

Singer Lars Gunblade of The No Talent Ass Clowns discussed his desire that fans not look at him in this recent interview conducted by port star Trixie Beaumont.

“Yeah, this is something that I’m really adamant about,” said Gunblade. “Nobody looks at the Lars man. Just the other day, a fan in the audience had the nerve to look directly at me during a concert. Needless to say, I tased him and he collapsed in convulsions. Maybe that would have taught him a lesson if he hadn’t died.”


Comments 3

The No Talent Ass Clowns deliver more thought-provoking comments in their latest interview, which was directed by porn star Trixie Beaumont. There can be no doubt that singer Lars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens are some seriously deep thinkers.

“The No Talent Ass Clowns are awesome. If I was somebody else, I’d still think we were awesome,” said Gunblade in the video.


More Ass Clowns Words of Wisdom

Posted: 10th September 2015 by Lucky in Latest Ass Clown Updates
Comments 7

The No Talent Ass Clowns have released the second installment of their “Words of Wisdom” videos. “These are some of our best moments,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “Since the No Talent Ass Clowns are music gurus, we gave out a lot of good information. Consider these videos to be a value add for the fans.”

“Actually, these are outtakes that sucked,” said the interview’s director, adult video star Trixie Beaumont. “But rather than have them go unseen, we recycle them as part of this Words of Wisdom bullshit. The fans aren’t very smart so it works.”

“The more videos, the better,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “The groupies get super turned on watching them so it works out real well for me. My wife Trixie enjoys making videos of my encounters with middle-aged groupies and she says these videos are better than handing them alcohol. That’s good enough for me.”

“Watch it or you’re dumb!” concluded Gunblade. “I’m serious.”


No Talent Ass Clowns: Words of Wisdom

Posted: 5th September 2015 by Lucky in Latest Ass Clown Updates
Comments 4

Very little video of The No Talent Ass Clowns in concert is available so it’s worth noting that a recent Ass Clowns short video includes concert footage of the band performing its signature tune Blow Chunks Ballet.

“We generally don’t want concert footage out there,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “After all, we want the stupid fans to buy the f*ckin’ tickets. Not sit watching us for free on a f*ckin’ TV. What good does that do us?”

“This is just some dumb shit that wasn’t good enough to be included in the actual interview video,” said the director, adult film star Trixie Beaumont. “Although you could argue this is the best interview of all because it’s the shortest.”


Comments 9

Front man Lars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens boldly encouraged Ass Clowns fans to be violent during concerts in their latest interview. “Yeah, we did. Why not?” asked Gunblade after the interview as he made out with two groupies. “Ass Clowns fans are pretty stupid actually. Real easy to manipulate. Seriously, we pull the strings here!”

Also discussed was the band’s infamous gig at Historic Dildo Days in Newfoundland. After playing a concert date in 2011, the band was uninvited the following year. “That one stills hurts. Ass Clowns fans in Canada are missing out” said Gunblade during a break in the filming.

Directing the interview was adult film star (and wife of Vas Defrens) Trixie Beaumont who directed the interview nude to keep the two rock stars focused. “If I didn’t flash the goods those two guys wouldn’t be able to put two sentences together. Nude women make most guy’s brains shut down. Lars and Vas are just the opposite. Having nude women around seems to make them smarter. But come on. We’re not exactly talking brainiacs here but at least they can complete sentences and you can understand what they’re saying.”

“I’m sick of being interviewed,” said Defrens as he left the studio. “I’m sick of talking about Ass Clowns fans. I’m sick of everything. Seriously, I’m done with this. Interview the rest of the band if you want but I’m done.”

Rumors swirled about why manager Jerry Gold didn’t conduct the latest interview. We phoned Gold at his home but his only comment was for us to do something that was physically impossible. When we asked Trixie why she was directing, she commented, “Well, I wanted to direct something. I went over to Jerry’s house last week and let’s just say he got something in return. Although I must admit that I wish I had just banged him instead.”