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Jon Stewart - No Talent Ass Clowns

Apparently before he leaves The Daily Show, Jon Stewart decided there was one thing he absolutely had to do… tear into rock star Lars Gunblade’s latest interview posted on YouTube. In his usual smarmy manner, Stewart made fun of the No Talent Ass Clowns singer for so long that the guest for that day’s show, Vice President Joe Biden, had to be rescheduled.

Gunblade watched the show at a Kings Nose, NJ strip club and began throwing chairs and eventually strippers as Stewart tore into his interview. “This is bullshit,” said Gunblade as police escorted him out of the building. “I’m Lars Gunblade. No one makes fun of me. Not even me!”

“I missed the show,” remarked Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens. “I was pretty wasted when it came on and all I remember is waking up during the closing credits and finding a dead prostitute in my room with my name carved into her buttocks. Let’s just say I had other things to worry about besides what Jon Stewart was saying about Lars.”

Jon Stewart Savors Gunblade’s “Level of Stupid”

“No one ever said rock stars are geniuses,” said Jon Stewart. “But you have to admit… there’s a level of stupid that few people have explored as thoroughly… as professionally… as Lars Gunblade has.” His frenzied, robotic audience cheered as he wrapped up his speech and mugged for the camera (as he tends to do pretty frequently if you think about it).

In a mock-serious tone, Stewart concluded his commentary with, “You know, I’ve enjoyed poking fun at the Republicans… Fox News… Arby’s. But knowing that before I leave this show… I had a chance to give Lars Gunblade a final comedy enema… well, that makes it all worth it. Thank you, Jesus.”


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The No Talent Ass Clowns like to talk about themselves whenever they get the opportunity. But they seldom sit down for an in-depth, on-camera interview. Luckily, a Kings Nose, NJ student filmmaker convinced front man Lars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens to sit down for a few moments yesterday. As a result, one of rock’s greatest interviews took place.

“I was nervous,” said filmmaker Larry Booth. “These guys are like gods… brain-damaged gods, yeah, but still gods. When I started filming, they really opened up about their music and stuff. It was amazing. Lars barfed on my carpet a whole bunch of times but it was worth it.”

“We wanted to show that we’re amazing, but that we’re also human,” said Lars Gunblade as he wiped the sick from his face after the interview. “I think people are going to be surprised that we’re almost like them in some ways. People are really going to be impressed when they watch this.”


Comments 10
Rock Wasteland Magazine

Yet another entire issue devoted to front man Lars Gunblade

Rock Wasteland has devoted yet another issue to The No Talent Ass Clowns. In this issue, Lars has a testy interview with famed Rock Wasteland journalist, Dora Stanhope. Here are a few highlights…

Rock Wasteland: Some say you’re a hopeless egomaniac who can’t sing, can’t play and can’t write. They even say you’re a perpetual liar.

Lars: Hey, I am not a perpetual liar. Wait, what does “perpetual” mean?

Rock Wasteland: Tell me, how is the band doing? Did Vas ask about me? Is he seeing someone?

Lars: I thought this interview was going to be about me. I want to talk about me, not the band. Next question, Dora.

Rock Wasteland: Does your music have a message? I’m assuming not.

Lars: Is this some sort of trick question? Because if it is, I’m not answering. I’m sorry, what was the question again?

Rock Wasteland: What’s ahead for Lars Gunblade?

Lars: I’m more concerned about what’s behind Lars Gunblade. And it better be some foxy chick with a 38 rack.

Rock Wasteland: How do you respond to critics who say you and your band are worthless?

Lars: Worthless is a relative term.

Rock Wasteland: What do you mean by that?

Lars: I stand by my answer. Next question, Candi.

Rock Wasteland: Dora.

Lars: Whatever.

Rock Wasteland: Well, I really have to be going. Thanks for the interview, Lars.

Lars: Wait, you’re leaving? Has someone ass*ole in the band been telling you that I still have herpes? Well, they’re f**king liars! I’ll kill them. I’ll kill them all! I got an AA-12 shotgun. They’re dead!


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Lars Gunblade In Concert

Lars Gunblade singing a speed metal version of “Hava Nagila.” Several grandmothers left the event in disgust, saying Gunblade’s mother should be ashamed.

Normally, The No Talent Ass Clowns sell out major venues like Consumption Auditorium. But on Saturday night, the bad boys of rock took the stage at a Bar Mitzvah on Long Island.

“My son likes the band although personally I think they are filth,” remarked Sol O’Leary, father of Bar Mitzvah boy Christopher. “Really, they make my skin crawl. If my parents were alive this would kill them!”

The Ass Clowns played to a packed theater in Flushing that Mr. O’Leary spent good money renting, although he did get a nice deal. “We had an agreement,” said Christopher. “I told my dad if he got the Ass Clowns for my Bar Mitzvah, I’d go into the business with him. He bought it. The thing is, working would get in the way of doin’ stuff. That’s what inheritances are for.”

“It was great,” said Gunblade after the show. “We usually don’t do crap gigs like this, but $500,000 is kinda hard to turn down.”


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Lars Gunblade

Lars Gunblade: shortly before beating the photographer who snapped this picture

No Talent Ass Clowns singer Lars Gunblade was arrested in Kings Nose NJ early this morning after kicking a photographer in the groin nearly 60 times. “I’m not ashamed of what I did. I’d do again. This is my hobby! Don’t you get it?” shouted Gunblade as police took him into the police station and a crowd of groupies and admirers looked on.

The incident began when photographer Chico O’Brian accosted the singer at a strip club. Gunblade demanded that O’Brian stop taking pictures and the two argued. Within minutes, the photographer was on the ground writhing in pain as the singer repeatedly kicked him in the groin.

“Hey, Lars has a temper. That’s not exactly news,” said Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens. “Why do you think nobody in the band wants to talk to him in the studio? He’s kind of scary. That and he smells bad.”

“I’ll never have kids now,” said O’Brian as doctors iced down his crotch. “I used to be a fan. A couple of years ago, he did a signing at the music store where I worked. I thought he was awesome although come to think of it, he kicked me in the balls that day as well.”


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Joey Van Dundro

Joey Van Dundro

No Talent Ass Clowns drummer Joey Van Dundro was discovered early this morning at the New York City apartment of amateur singer Susan Alexander. He was confronted there by his wife, Emily Norton Van Dundro who held a press conference at 10am where she berated her husband and his infidelities. She also criticized his poor drumming abilities, especially on “Pucker Factor,” which Mrs. Van Dundro described as “phoned in.”

Van Dundro is still getting high approval ratings among fans, perhaps because they never liked the fact that Van Dundro secretly married Emily Norton in 2011. Ass clowns roadie and friend of Van Dundro, Jed Leland, said of the drummer, “All he ever wanted out of life was love. That’s the tragedy of Joey Van Dundro. You see, he just doesn’t have any to give.”

The news of Van Dundro’s adultery comes just weeks before the release of his first solo CD, which remains untitled at this time. What effect this news will have on sales of the new CD is impossible to predict.


New Vas Defrens CD Sparks Outrage

Posted: 16th December 2014 by Lucky in Latest Ass Clown Updates
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Vas Defrens CD

Vas Defrens’ CD is “sick, lewd and deprived but catchy” says critic

Bad boy rock guitarist Vas Defrens of The No Talent Ass Clowns has once again caused a firestorm of controversy with a new CD hitting stores today.

The CD, entitled “I’ll Be Seizin’ You,” contains two 40-minute songs in an elaborate digipak that contains dozens of explicit photos of Vas Defrens’ wife, adult film star Trixie Beaumont, an inflatable bong, a generous amount of factory-sealed marijuana and a discount coupon for Doritos.

The CD was immediately rejected by all retail outlets across the country. Federal agents are visiting hundreds of stores to make sure no copies are sold. Rumor has it that it’s only available by emailing Defrens and wiring cash to a secret account.

“All those hot pics of Trixie Beaumont sure got me going,” remarked Kenneth William Johnson-Hearst, a cashier at the CD 3PO store in Hunt Valley, MD who asked not to be named. “But we can’t be selling a CD loaded with an once of choice bud… no matter how good it is. I don’t want to be arrested again. That would be strike three for me!”

As for the music itself, critic Joe Bunky from Rock Wasteland didn’t hold back, “It’s sick, lewd and deprived but kind of catchy. We gave it four stars but it really shouldn’t be sold anywhere to anyone for any reason.”


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Dave Grohl, Lars Gunblade

Dave Grohl and Lars Gunblade recording a take of “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”

The much-anticipated Dave Grohl-Lars Gunblade Christmas CD collaboration isn’t happening, says Ass Clowns manager Jerry Gold. The two rock stars, who have long despised each other, were at Gunblade’s recording studio last week working on Christmas songs. Unfortunately, the partnership fell apart after laying down tracks for just two songs.

“These guys shouldn’t be in the same room together, let alone try to record an album,” said Mr. Gold. “This is unfortunate. I was counting on the sales from this CD to fatten out my Cayman Island accounts. And it’s mostly Lars’ fault as far as I’m concerned!”

“I had just finished a killer vocal for ‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer’ but Lars insisted on double-tracking it,” said Dave Grohl over the phone. “To me, that felt wrong. Gunblade wanted to over-produce the thing because he’s such a hack.”

“I’m sad. Dave Grohl did his usual Dave Grohl thing and ruined everything,” said Lars Gunblade during a press conference aboard the band’s tour blimp. “Worst of all, he refused to record ‘It’s a Blue Sky Christmas.’ I was angry because it would have been a great song that tweakers everywhere would have enjoyed. Now, it’s never going to happen.”


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Buford Picklefeather is Dead2

Buford Picklefeather (undated photo)

Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ was found dead in his prison cell early Sunday morning. Picklefeather, who was awaiting trial for kidnapping world famous rock band The No Talent Ass Clowns, was discovered with multiple blunt force trauma injuries to his face and neck.

Suspicion was aroused when authorities learned that the band visited Picklefeather 10 minutes before he was discovered dead.

“He hit his face against the bars, got it?” said the band’s front man, Lars Gunblade during a press conference at a Kings Nose strip club. “Case closed. Let’s not discuss this scumbag any more, OK?”

“I second that emotion,” added guitarist Vas Defrens. “The guy’s a dick. We just– somebody just saved the taxpayers a lot of money.”

Readers of The No Talent Ass Clowns Official Worship Site will no doubt remember how often Buford Picklefeather complained about being quoted without his permission. The website owner would just like to add that Picklefeather’s passing is no loss to the planet Earth.


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Buford Picklefeather

Crazed fan Buford Picklefeather’s confession leads police to band members in “sex cave”

Bad boy rock band The No Talent Ass Clowns were discovered alive 50 feet below ground in a secret lair near Kings Nose, NJ. The S&M themed prison was built by crazed fan Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ. The band has been missing for months, which prompted many to believe (and hope) they were dead. When all seemed hopeless, a last-minute confession by Picklefeather alerted authorities to the location of the underground prison and the band was freed earlier today.

“What they were subjected to in that prison I hesitate to tell you about,” said Police Chief Brock Landers during a press conference in the famous warehouse district of Kings Nose. “Before we picked up Mr. Picklefeather on suspicion of murder, he had them doing some really perverted stuff for his amusement in what I can only describe as a ‘sex cave.’ I mean very perverted stuff. Frankly, they probably would be preferred if Picklefeather had just killed them instead. I know that would have been my preference. Seriously, we’re talking some pretty sick sh*t here. Picklefeather took videos so I guess somebody in my department will leak them to the internet by end of day because they’re all douche bags.  If you like the weird stuff, you’re in for a treat.”

The band refused to appear at the press conference but Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade issued a somber statement to the press that read: “Hey everybody. We’re still alive, much to our regret. Jesus, the stuff we did down there makes me want to throw up. They better fry that bastard Buford Picklefeather.”

Fan reaction to the news has been mixed. “I’m sad that they’re alive,” said Amber Lynn-Johnson of Kings Nose who asked not to be identified by name. “However, it sounds like Buford had them doing each other for his amusement. I can think of nothing funnier. That will show the Ass Clowns for kicking me out of one of their backstage parties because they said I was ‘uglier than a troll.’ Somebody might have hit me with an ugly stick, but at least I didn’t do the things they did to each other in that underground prison. Victory is mine.”


Ass Clowns Website To Shut Down

Posted: 14th October 2014 by Lucky in Latest Ass Clown Updates
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In an alarming announcement made this morning, webmaster Ricky Yelnats informed reporters from Rock Wasteland magazine that the No Talent Ass Clowns Official Worship Site will shut down shortly.

“This is happening due to short-sighted police officials who follow the very old fashioned idea that racketeering is illegal,” said Yelnats. “With the band missing, however, maybe the timing is right to put a pin in this. They’re probably dead so what difference does it make keeping the website alive?”

“I couldn’t be happier,” said long-time fan Buford Picklefeather from his jail call where he is currently being held for suspicion of killing the band. “They quoted me all the time and never got my permission. And I don’t give permission for this quote to be used either.”

Kings Nose Sheriff Brock Landers refused to give any details of what the website owners had done wrong. “Get out of my face,” hissed Landers when reporters tried to question him as he beat a suspect for a traffic violation in the city’s famous warehouse district. “It’s none of your business. And stop taking videos of what I’m doing!”

Is this the final blog for the No Talent Ass Clowns Official Worship Site? Could be. If so, see ya. Don’t wanna be ya.


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Buford Picklefeather

Ass Clowns fan Buford Picklefeather (undated photo)

Long-time fan Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ is being held by Kings Nose, NJ police on suspicion of murdering The No Talent Ass Clowns. The unemployed Renaissance Fair juggler was taken into custody last night as he attended the annual Kings Nose Gay Shame Parade in the city’s famous Warehouse District.

The story began in June when lead singer Lars Gunblade vanished. In July, guitarist Vas Defrens went missing. In August, it was bass player Carnage Smith. Finally last week, drummer Joey Van Dundro disappeared. Kings Nose police decided that the disappearances may be linked.

“We don’t have any evidence to hold Buford Picklefeather but that’s never stopped us before,” said Sheriff Brock Landers. “He’s got real shifty eyes. That’s good enough for me. I trust my police instincts. I’m thinking it’s case closed here.”

Ass Clowns fans have been up in arms over the arrest. “This is nuts,” said fan Sapphire. “Lots of people want to kill this band. In fact, I tried to poison their Jack Daniels at a show in Brisbane, Australia last year. How come I’m not in jail?”


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Obama Press Conference

“The Ass Clowns are probably dead but maybe not,” says President.

No Talent Ass Clowns drummer Joey Van Dundro has vanished, which means the entire band is now missing! In a press conference this morning in front of a giant mural of the band, President Obama urged fans to remain calm and carry on.

“The markets are already reacting to this news,” said Obama. “It’s a bit premature to say that the Ass Clowns are dead. However, if you’re a betting man, you’re probably going to make some good money betting against their survival. Just saying.”

The President spent nearly 40 minutes discussing the band and why their last few albums just didn’t stack up to “Behind the Times” or “Pucker Factor.” Obama announced that he was cancelling his afternoon golf game because he was too distraught.

Late last night Van Dundro failed to turn up at a secret dog fighting arena he attends every Tuesday just outside Kings Nose, New Jersey. “We immediately notified the President since he is a huge Ass Clowns fan,” said Deputy Sheriff Leon Klinghoffer. “There are no leads in this case. Frankly, we don’t know where the band is. That kind of sucks because I never got to see them live and I hear they’re way better live than in the studio.”


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Ass Clowns Missing

Ass Clowns Bass Player Carnage Smith has gone missing, which means there is only one member of The No Talent Ass Clowns accounted for. Late Thursday night, Smith visited Madame Ovary’s Pleasure Palace, a seedy massage parlor in the famous warehouse district of Kings Nose, NJ. He apparently paid for his appointment and left. When he didn’t show up to purchase drugs at a crack house several blocks away, friends became concerned.

Drummer Joey Van Dundro was visibly shaken speaking with reporters this morning. “This is bullshit!” shouted the drummer. “Carnage Smith and the other two deserve to die but I don’t. This isn’t fair. Seriously, I would like to meet with the killers and try to find another solution here!”

Fans reacted to the news with concern. “I don’t listen to them anymore but this is unsettling,” said longtime fan Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ, who asked that his name not be used. “I’m guessing they’re dead but this band is hard to kill. I tried to pick them off with a high-power rifle once but I just wound up blowing away a car of Ass Clowns impersonators serving as decoys. I was pissed.”

“We don’t have a clue as to the whereabouts of Carnage Smith,” said Police Deputy Leon Klinghoffer. “I do expect Mr. Smith to turn up soon… hopefully not in my next hamburger.”


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RockWastelandMagazine4Rock Wasteland’s September issue features what may be Lars Gunblade’s final interview. The legendary singer of The No Talent Ass Clowns has been missing since July. The special Ass Clowns issue, selling for $30, contains some interesting comments from the bad boy of rock:

Rock Wasteland: What’s your contribution to music?

Lars Gunblade: Not much if you consider everything to be not much. We are the best band in the world. No one compares to us. Sometimes, even I’m surprised at how great we are.

Rock Wasteland: Rumor has it that you want to fire your long-time manager Jerry Gold.

Lars Gunblade: Well, sometimes you just gotta fire someone. Am I right?

Rock Wasteland: Oh, hells yeah! Lars, some rumors persist that back in 1995 you got it on with Jerry Gold to secure a record contract for the band. Is that true?

Lars Gunblade: Eat me.

Rock Wasteland: Fair enough. Let’s move on. Here’s something I’ve always wanted to know… why are you so great?

Lars Gunblade: That’s an excellent question. I’m amazing in so many ways that it’s hard to really boil it down for you, given your personal and professional limitations. No offense.

Rock Wasteland: No offense taken! I’m curious if you’ll be doing any solo tours soon? I really dug the solo tour you did a couple of years ago. If you tour, what songs will you play? Will you play any Ass Clowns songs? Will you tour with your usual groupies?

Lars Gunblade: Jesus! Questions, questions, questions. If I had known you were going to ask so many questions, I never would have granted this f**king interview.

Rock Wasteland: Sorry about that. Please don’t be angry. Anything I can do to smooth things over?

Lars Gunblade: Yeah. The usual.

Only time will tell if we have more Lars Gunblade interviews to enjoy. In the meantime, this may well be the last word from this legendary rock performer. Enjoy. Like many Ass Clowns fans, we are always annoyed at the way Rock Wasteland fawns over the band. However, if you can stomach the brown-nosing questions, Lars is in top form. He’s seems lucid, which doesn’t always happen.