Lars Gunblade Missing

Posted: 24th July 2014 by Lucky in Latest Ass Clown Updates
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Rock legend Lars Gunblade of The No Talent Ass Clowns is missing, says his band manager Jerry Gold. “No one has seen him in two weeks. The escort service that he uses daily has not heard from him. No phone calls. Nothing. He’s gone,” remarked Gold sadly. “If he’s dead, my gravy train grinds to a halt. I certainly hope that Lars is not so selfish that he doesn’t think about me before doing something drastic.”

Members of his band took a characteristically casual attitude toward Gunblade’s disappearance. “Look, he’ll either turn up at my front door in a day or two or somebody will find his corpse in the lake. We just gotta wait and see,” said Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens.

“I’m very concerned,” said Gunblade’s drug dealer. “Lars has been without his drugs for nearly two weeks. Let me tell you… this puts a huge hole in my wallet. Lars’ yearly consumption of illegal drugs is equal to the GNP of some nations. This is a scary situation. Let’s all say a prayer for his safe return… and my future sales.”

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Lars Gunblade at Consumption Auditorium

Lars Gunblade

In a shocking press conference at No, Not There! Records in Kings Nose, NJ this morning, No Talent Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade declared that the notorious metal band is no more.

“It turns out that I blew all of the money on hookers and drugs and like a fool, I wasted the rest,” admitted Gunblade with tears welling up in his eyes that two nubile groupies licked away as he spoke. “So, that’s it. I guess we’ll let our sound-alike band continue to fulfill our tour dates but me, Vas, Carnage and Joey are finished as a band. We were never friends so it’s not a big loss really. To all our loyal fans, I’d like to extend a great big ‘f*ck you.’ I won’t miss you. Adios!”

Fans were enthusiastic upon hearing the news. “I think it’s great!” gushed long-time fan Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ who asked that his name not be used. “I’ve hoped and prayed for this day. We’ve been teased before about a breakup but this time, it feels real. Now that it’s happened, I don’t know what to do with myself… maybe get a job or something, who knows?”

“It’s just as well,”said long-time groupie Candi. “I’ve been with the whole band obviously and it was fun for the first 10 years but now it’s just going through the motions. It’s time for me to move on to another band that will have me. The band says they’re thinking of selling me to the Fetal Pigs for 50 bucks and a case of beer. They better talk to my lawyer first. I’m holding out for more.”

After the press conference, Gunblade was noticed dumpster-diving behind the record company’s building. When approached, he said, “Hey, I wasn’t kidding when I said we were bankrupt. Whoa, somebody threw out a case of ramen noodles. I’m set for a month!”

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Vas Defrens

Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens

“We’re a fake band and always have been!” declared guitarist Vas Defrens of The No Talent Ass Clowns during a press conference last week.

“Fake, fake, fake. Who names a band that anyway? It’s a dead giveaway that the whole thing’s a sham. We’re not touring. We’re not releasing albums. You’ve all been had.”

Other band members were shocked. “I don’t know what Vas is thinking,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “This is dangerous, crazy talk. I wish he’d just shut up.”

“Well, it would explain a lot of things,” said a fan who wished not to be named. “It would explain why I can’t find their albums on Amazon or why I can’t locate their hometown of Kings Nose, NJ on a map. I guess Vas’ admission will finally allow me to sleep at night… although I don’t know what I’m going to do with these tickets I just bought for their Consumption Auditorium show.”

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The corpse of former Ass Clowns bassist Tarquin Chard was recently discovered in a New Jersey landfill. Chard, who died in 2012 under suspicious circumstances, was replaced by Carnage Smith within 20 minutes of the troubled bassist’s death. How it got in the landfill from Chard’s resting place in Our Lady Of Perpetual Motion Memorial Cemetery in Kings Nose no one knows. When fans learned of what happened this morning, most weren’t surprised, recalling a similar strange incident that occurred to the body of former Ass Clowns drummer Vulgar Smith.

“With this band, nothing surprises me!” said hard-core fan Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ. “Two band members dead under weird circumstances? What other band has this kind of drama? None. That’s why they’re so great.”

“I’m a better bassist although less of a human being than Tarquin,” remarked Carnage Smith at a press conference. “This is painful. Let’s move on, OK?”

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Controversial No Talent Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens married porn star Trixie Beaumont at the musician’s “Rectal Hall” estate in Montana on Saturday. The two have been an item for several years so the super-secret wedding didn’t come as a surprise to fans.

Known for his shocking perversity, Defrens sent an semi X-rated invitation to friends showing himself and Trixie Beaumont having sex. “That invitation made me definitely want to be at this wedding,” said a famous musician who urgently requested not to be named. “After the ceremony, they had an explicit photo session and Trixie wound up satisfying everyone taking pictures. Needless to say, it was the best wedding reception ever,” gushed the anonymous musician.

Trixie Beaumont, famous for such adult videos as “Anal Hospital 7″ and “Asscapades: The Reckoning,” said the timing was right for a wedding. “I’m not HIV positive yet so I figured let Vas put a ring on it before something happens because, let’s face it, something will.”

No other No Talent Ass Clowns were present, fueling speculation that Defrens was the only musician in the band who didn’t require castration as a result of doing a nude concert during the recent polar vortex. “I don’t want those guys here,” shouted Defrens as he drunkenly groped Beaumont in front of photographers during the reception. “They’ve got dirty minds. Who needs that? Our love is pure, dude. Here, watch how pure it is!”

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J.D. Salinger made certain no one would ever make a film of his book “The Catcher in the Rye”… or so he thought.

Turns out rock bad boy band The No Talent Ass Clowns will produce a film version of Salinger’s famous book and have hinted that teen heartthrob (and confirmed major pothead) Justin Bieber will take on the difficult role of Holden Caulfield.

“Yeah, we’re f**king doing it. Respectfully, we say screw Salinger and screw his estate!” shouted front man Lars Gunblade during a press conference held at Consumption Auditorium in Kings Nose, NJ. “We’re not afraid to shoot this movie and no one–and I mean no one–can stop us.”

“Yeah, we had to do some things to get away with this,” said guitar player Vas Defrens. “Justin Bieber is going to play a guy named ‘Holden Crawfeld.’ That way, we’re totally cool and they can’t sue us. That how some German dude got away with filming Dracula. The filmmaker just called him Count Orlok instead. If it worked then, it will work now. That’s how smart we are.”

“It’s going to be a great movie,” said bass player Carnage Smith, “and it’ll be an even better video game. ‘The Catcher in the Rye’ game for PS4 is going to be awesome, dude.”

The band refused to reveal any further details about the film project. “When’s it coming out?” asked drummer Joey Van Dundro. “You’ll find out, OK, bitch? Just shut up with all the questions already!”

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Joey Van Dundro, No Talent Ass Clowns

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The No Talent Ass Clowns

The No Talent Ass Clowns

The No Talent Ass Clowns plans to play an impromptu outdoor concert last night in Gooseberry Mound Park in Fargo, North Dakota while completely naked failed miserably. Six minutes after hitting the stage in the raw during a historic “polar vortex” that plunged temperatures to -30, band members staggered back to their dressing rooms where they were rushed to an area hospital.

“We’re okay now, ” said front man Lars Gunblade. “But we had some frostbite issues and three of us had to have our Johnsons amputated. That’s going to change the whole dynamic with our groupies, that’s for sure. Sorry girls, guess we’ll just watch from now on.”

“I didn’t want to do this,” remarked drummer Joey Van Dundro from his hospital bed. “I didn’t wanna see the junk of my fellow band members and I didn’t want to freeze my balls off. Well, guess what?!”

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Lars Gunblade

Singer Lars Gunblade

Infamous No Talent Ass Clowns singer Lars Gunblade has one thing to say to his legions of fans… don’t look at him.

“I’ve been hearing these stories about B-list TV actors who insist that extras don’t look at them on set,” said Gunblade during a press conference aboard the band’s tour blimp. “And I thought, hey, what a horrible way to treat other human beings in this world. Then I thought, yeah, that’s a great f-ing idea! If completely worthless actors can make this demand and people actually do it, why can’t I?”

Gunblade has demanded from today forward fans cannot look him in the eye. “Damn right!” continued Gunblade. “Not at concerts, not on the street, not in brothels and definitely not in crack houses. I’ve even extended that policy to the rest of the band. I don’t need them looking me in the eye either.”

“Fine by me,” returned guitarist Vas Defrens, who carefully avoided looking in Gunblade’s direction. “I have other things to look at. Like my enormous member.”

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Twaughthammer

World famous rockers The No Talent Ass Clowns recently took some time out of their busy touring schedule to hang out with TwaüghtHammër, a local Albuquerque, New Mexico metal band. Between playing Rage and a lengthy meth bender, the two bands forged common ground.

“We really dug their drummer… some strung-out guy named Jesse,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “Plus, he turned us onto some amazing product he called “Blue Sky” that really blew our hair back. It was tight. Tight! Anyway, musically, they’re nowhere. Their singer, Badger, is a seriously stupid guy who kept asking us over and over if we were cops. But if they can keep us supplied with massive amounts of that blue stuff, we don’t care.”

The Ass Clowns hinted that TwaüghtHammër may open up for them in the near future. “Jesse said he had some other business arrangements he had to take care of first,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “But he sounded interested. I remember he kept saying, ‘Yeah, bitch!’ every time we mentioned touring together.”

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Compressed CD Brain Dump by The No Talent Ass Clowns

Rock bad boys The No Talent Ass Clowns will soon release a compressed CD that will destroy most sound systems it’s played on. Entitled Brain Dump, the new album creates a sound so distorted by compression that it will shatter most speakers currently available. “I really felt the tracks needed more compression,” said producer Bruce Dickinson. I told the band that I had a fever and the only prescription was more compression.”

“Other bands are compressing the shit out of the audio and getting people pissed off,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “We figured why not take it to the next logical step? If a band like Imagine Dragons can release a CD that is widely criticized for being too compressed, surely we can outdo those smug hipsters. I’ve tried listening to Brain Dump myself and, yeah, it’s basically unf*cking listenable. This is exactly what our fans deserve!”

Brain Dump, which contains the new hit song Hammered, will hit the street on October 1.

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Rectal Hall

Defrens’ unassuming entrance sign off Route 15 near Great Falls, Montana

No Talent Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens has never allowed anyone to visit his Rectal Hall estate in northern Montana… until now. The No Talent Ass Clowns Worship Site was given exclusive access to Rectal Hall last week, making us the only media outlet ever to go inside Defrens’ home.

Upon entering the main hall, we were greeted by a nude, all-female staff and we knew this was going to be a strange visit. “Welcome to Rectal Hall,” said Vas Defrens loudly as he approached us wearing a silk smoking jacket. “I bid you… welcome.”

He led us through various rooms filled with ass-themed furniture. He viewed our shocked expressions with glee. “Most of this stuff is custom-made,” said Defrens. “You would be surprised how little ass furniture there is to be found on eBay.”

Suddenly, two of the nude female servants hurried into a closet and shut the door. Within seconds, loud moaning was soon heard. Defrens listened contentedly, then shone a small flashlight at his eyes while staring at us. “Listen to them,” muttered Defrens. “Ladies of the night… what music they make!” We smiled faintly and avoided his disturbing glance. There was that wild story that The No Talent Ass Clowns are vampires. Maybe there’s something to it.

In an east wing room was a collection of photos showing a nude Defrens and a nude Trixie Beaumont, his porn star girlfriend. In the series of photos, they start off kissing, then Defrens picks up a chainsaw and cuts the famous porn star into pieces, creating a bloody mess on the floor. “Trixie loves this exhibit,” beamed Defrens. “She was really pleased with how real all the gore looks. I’m surprised none of you have thrown up seeing this. I did when I first saw it.”

Vas Defrens' Art Gallery

Defrens’ “Avenue of Ass”

In the west end of Rectal Hall is the controversial “Avenue of Ass,” an art gallery of various rear-end photography far too obscene to describe, let alone show. Nothing we had seen in the rock business prepared us for all of this. One of our graphic designers began to pray silently. As we walked along, Defrens seemed to be almost in a trance as he leered at his collection.

“It’s amazing, isn’t it?” he finally said quietly as he stopped to admire a particularly shocking ass image. “All of this is my life’s work. Well, this and hard drugs.”

Soon an ass clock on the wall sounded the hour, indicating that our time at Rectal Hall was over. “OK, it’s time to get the f*ck out,” hissed Defrens as he pushed us out of a side door. “I’ve released the hounds. You have appropriately 30 seconds to get on your car before they attack you and tear you apart. Stick to the road or else you will never get out alive.” With that, he slammed the door shut. In the distance, we heard the howl of dozens of dogs and we quickly jumped into our car and sped away forever from the infamous Rectal Hall.

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Carlos Danger

In the aftermath of discovering that disgraced politician Anthony Weiner sexted under the name “Carlos Danger,” we at the Ass Clowns Worship Site noticed something peculiar… a certain “Carlos Danger” commented on a number of Ass Clown blogs starting in 2010 and his posts stopped the minute this story broke. Could it be that Weiner was a fan of The No Talent Ass Clowns? Makes sense if you think about it. Looking at his various posts, we discovered that many were sexual in nature. No big surprise, certainly.

When informed of the Carlos Danger posts on this website, front man Lars Gunblade commented, “Cool. That’s awesome. I’m surprised he’s never come backstage for some of our groupie action. He’s got a standing invitation now, man!”

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Guitarist Vas Defrens

Guitarist Vas Defrens

Vas Defrens, bad-boy guitarist of The No Talent Ass Clowns, says he’s OK with the band’s plan to split. In an interview with Rock Wasteland Magazine, Defrens says he plans to spend more time working on his Ass Collection at his “Rectal Hall” estate in Montana.

“I have an entire ass room,” admitted Defrens. “Everything is ass-related… ass lamps, ass tables, ass chairs, ass mirrors, ass place settings, you name it. Now, I can spend more time adding to my ass collection and enjoying it. My girlfriend [porn star Trixie Beaumont] feels this will keep me sane.”

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Vas Defrens, No Talent Ass Clowns

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Lars Gunblade at Consumption Auditorium

Lars Gunblade suggests band broken up

The No Talent Ass Clowns, a band famous for threatening to break up, may be parting ways for real according to front man Lars Gunblade. In a hastily called press conference aboard the band’s famous tour blimp, An impaired Gunblade struggled to remain upright to address reporters.

“It’s f*cking over,” said a red-eyed Gunblade. “Our stand-ins will perform the rest of our shows this year but otherwise we have no intention of being in the same room, let alone make music.”

At this point, the infamous singer collapsed and convulsed for five minutes. As EMTs were attending to him, he hoarsely made a final statement before passing out. “It was only hate, mistrust and a total lack of respect for each other that kept this band together. Without any of that, what’s the point of continuing this charade?”

Fan reaction has been mixed. “Finally,” exclaimed long-time fan boy Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ. “Yeah, I’ve been a fan since 1995 but I’ve been waiting for this day for like years. What a relief! When they faked their deaths several years ago… I felt great. But this sounds like it’s finally, finally over. Free at last!”

Conversely, Ass Clown groupies appeared depressed. “I don’t know what to do,” said Holly, 19 of Shamokin, PA (one of last year’s “virgin” sacrifices at the legendary Centralia PA concert that never happened). “I wanted to be exploited and objectified at least until my mid-20s. Now what?”

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Factory-Sealed Fornicators

The Factory-Sealed Fornicators To Reunite In Concert

Factory-Sealed Fornicators, a no-hit wonder band of 1991, bit the dust in 1992. Two members of the band went on to lengthy prison terms for prostitution and racketeering (they were released in 2011). Two, Lars Gunblade and Vas Defrens, went on to form The No Talent Ass Clowns. And now, despite no demands for it, the Fornicators are launching a reunion concert to be held at Consumption Auditorium in the fall.

“Yeah, I always said that I hated that band and the music we played,” said Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade. “But sometimes, you just get bored. I mean really, really bored to the point where dumb shit seems like a good idea. Perhaps the hatred we feel toward each other will act as some sort of catalyst on stage and we’ll do something amazing. Or it will suck, which is a lot more likely.”

The Fornicators reunion concert seems unlikely to generate much interest. Their one and only CD, Limited Edition Bimbo Collection, was universally panned and in concert, they played to mostly empty houses. To keep history from repeating itself, Consumption Auditorium will not be charging for tickets. In fact, they will pay each concertgoer $50 to attend. “I’m playin’ it safe,” says Pedro O’Brien, Consumption Auditorium’s manager. “Even with paying people, I figure we’ll be lucky to fill a 1/3 of the room. Seriously, they’re that bad!”

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