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Nouveau Merde of LA

Lars Gunblade with two companions who refused to give their names

No Talent Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade attended the annual Nouveau Merde fashion show last night in Los Angeles with two dates in tow. Gunblade, who appeared to be greatly under the influence, annoyed many of the attendees by singing several Ass Clowns songs in an odd falsetto and yelling to the Nouveau Merde models on the catwalk to “take it off.”

The No Talent Ass Clowns Worship Site caught up with Gunblade while his dates were getting drinks. “Nouveau Merde outfits our band,” said Gunblade as he downed a Jack Daniels in each hand. “I don’t wear anything else but their clothes.  But that’s only if I’m wearing clothes at all.”

A few minutes later, Gunblade made an odd face as he spoke with us. “Whoa, excuse me!” he shouted just before he hurled a voluminous puke that splattered on the marble floor and sprayed several unfortunate people nearby. For most of the night, people keep their distance from the rock star, afraid he would hurl again.

“Well, we have to put up with some strange stuff when Lars comes to our store,” said Tawny Z, owner of Nouveau Merde. “For instance, we always make love when we meet. Sometimes, like at this show, that’s a little inconvenient. Still, Lars is Lars so when he arrived, we went to my office and did it there. What was I supposed to do? They’re the No Talent Ass Clowns. They’re our biggest client and we pretty much give them wardrobes no else would want.”

After the fashion show ended, Gunblade became incoherent and was escorted from the premises by the police. “This is standard procedure with this asshole,” said Officer Edmund Exeley. “Every time he shows up at Nouveau Merde, we have to haul him out. Then, his manager gives us 20 large to let him go. It works out pretty well really.”

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Lars Gunblade's strip clubs

Singer Lars Gunblade shares a moment with dancer Cherry Bomb

Singer Lars Gunblade of The No Talent Ass Clowns has some problems. His infamous strip clubs, Take It Off, Bitch!, have been shut down by police after having only been open for two days. The FBI issued a report saying the franchise locations were being used as houses of prostitution and as a clearing house for No Talent Ass Clowns CDs, concert tickets and T-shirts.

The chain of Lars Gunblade’s strip clubs had a short but news-worthy life. They opened Friday night. On Saturday night, Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens was arrested for having sex with a dancer on a table in the dining area, and finally on Sunday morning, police and FBI agents raided each of the 50 locations.

“The scene in there was way sicker than you could imagine,” said Special Agent Phillip Wilson. “I’ve been to the red-light district in Amsterdam and that place is like a church compared to Gunblade’s club. But the whole prostitution thing wasn’t even the real problem. Gunblade was forcing patrons to buy his band’s CDs and concert tickets or he’d release hidden videos to the internet of them having sex with the dancers. That’s pretty messed up.”

“This is a good thing, ” said Jim R. Turnball, a patron of the club. “The whole brothel thing was great. I was with several of the girls. But I didn’t want to pay for No Talent Ass Clowns CDs. I hate that band. Besides, I’ve got a family. What would they think of me if I bought that band’s music?”

The FBI released the singer after Manager Jerry Gold had a private meeting with the agents. “Yeah, it was expensive paying off those guys,” said Gunblade as he boarded the band’s tour blimp with dancer Cherry Bomb just a few hours ago. “It’s sad that you can’t run a business anymore without the federal government stickin’ its nose in and tellin’ you what to do! I mean, who’s to say what’s legal?”

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Vas Defrens Arrested at Strip Club

Posted: 11th April 2015 by Lucky in Latest Ass Clown Updates
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Vas Defrens Arrested at Strip Club

Vas Defrens and stripper Taffy Pull minutes before doing the deed in the dining area as patrons watched.

Just one day after band mate Lars Gunblade opened the “Take It Off, Bitch!” Strip Club in Kings Nose, NJ, guitarist Vas Defrens and stripper “Taffy Pull” were arrested on a charge on public fornication at 7:30 this evening.

As they were led away from the club, crowds cheered. Smiling, Vas and Taffy started making out again until police officers quickly pulled them apart. The band’s manager, Jerry Gold, quietly paid off the watch commander and the arresting officers and the two left the police station just 15 minutes later.

“We were involved in the very natural act of lovemaking,” said the dancer after being released from custody. “The fact that we choose to do it on top of one of the tables in the dining area while patrons watched doesn’t matter. Believe me, no one objected. Sadly, Vas didn’t even get to finish before the cops showed up and ruined everything. That’s not right.”

While most patrons didn’t object to the sight of The No Talent Ass Clowns guitarist and the stripper going at it, some were offended. “I came here to watch some lovely naked ladies,” said Father Kevin MacKenzie of Saint Sondheim’s Parish. “I didn’t want to see two people in need of some better personal hygiene shouting, ‘Yes’ every two seconds. Plus, Taffy’s foot kept hitting me in the back of the head as Vas was giving her the business every which way. That was kind of annoying.”

Club owner Lars Gunblade couldn’t have been more pleased. “Vas Defrens arrested at a strip club! I love the sound of that and I applaud that guy! I did Taffy last night so I think he made a good choice. It’s just a shame that we live in such a puritanical country that people can’t have sex in public without getting into trouble. I’d like to see stuff like this happening every night but no, Johnny Law says we can’t. We’ll see if that’s true after our manager pays off City Hall!”

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Lars Gunblade's Strip Club

Lars Gunblade with strippers Velvet Trench and EZ Stevie at the “Take It Off, Bitch!” Strip Club

Legendary singer Lars Gunblade of The No Talent Ass Clowns has opened a string of strip clubs. The chain, known as Take It Off, Bitch!, had grand openings in more than 50 cities today. Gunblade surprised the crowd at the Kings Nose, NJ location when he announced that he would have sex with every single stripper in the franchise.

“I figure I can nail all the girls at the Kings Nose location tonight, then I’ll move onto the other locations as the band tours,” said Gunblade. The infamous singer claims his decision to open the strip clubs was practical. “I spend pretty much every day in strip clubs and it costs a fortune. I figure if I own the club, I’m in better shape financially.”

One peculiar aspect of each Take It Off, Bitch! strip club is that the dancers begin their act totally nude and put their clothes on as they dance their routines. “I wanted something a little different,” said Gunblade. “Every strip club has chicks taking their clothes off. I wanted to reverse that. The customers actually hate this whole idea, but you know what? If they don’t like it, they can open their own strip club!”

The dancers at the Kings Nose location were appreciating the new club. “This place is truly wonderful,” said 23-year-old dancer Sharon B., AKA Taffy Pull. “I was the first girl to get it on with Lars during the ribbon cutting ceremony so I’ve got some street cred now. He’s actually really horrible in the sack but I need the job. My husband teaches college physics, but he’s trying to transition to his dream job as a mop man at a peep show. That takes money because everybody wants that job.”

“Lars beat me to this idea,” remarked guitarist Vas Defrens. “I guess we can tag-team the dancers. Shit knows we’ve done that before!”

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dead hooker

Guitarist Vas Defrens rocks the house during a recent No Talent Ass Clowns concert at Consumption Auditorium.

Kings Nose NJ police spent Friday night questioning Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens about a dead hooker found naked in his apartment recently. Amber Anderson, 20, was dead when police arrived at Defrens’ home in the famous Warehouse district shortly after midnight nearly two weeks ago. The naked woman had no marks on her body but the name “Vas” had been carved into her firm buttocks with an Exacto knife.

“Hey, I may have carved my name on her ass because that’s art,” said Defrens after being released from questioning. “But it would have been dumb to kill her. She was super talented, if you know what I mean.”

No Dead Hooker On Defrens’ Record… This Time

“Yes, we let Mr. Defrens go,” said Sheriff Brock Launders. “Vas is good people and he doesn’t deserve to have a mark like this on his record. A dead hooker in your apartment just looks bad, you know what I mean? Besides, we’ve arrested him lots of times and he kind of deserved a break for once.”

“Justice was served,” said Defrens’ wife, adult film star Trixie Beaumont. “I did a lesbo scene with Amber once and she kept upstaging me. If Vas killed her, so what? He’s a big star and you gotta give him more leeway than you would an ordinary person.”

“Amber didn’t deserve this,” said Tiffany, a co-worker of Amber’s who generally works the intersection of 4th and Commercial Streets in Kings Nose. “Vas was pretty weird as customers go. Amber specialized in kinky stuff but Vas took it so far that she kind of freaked out. Just two weeks ago, she was talking about becoming a nun to wipe out the sordid memories of sex with Vas. That says a lot coming from a girl who didn’t flinch at sessions with entire sports teams.”

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Jon Stewart - No Talent Ass Clowns

Apparently before he leaves The Daily Show, Jon Stewart decided there was one thing he absolutely had to do… tear into rock star Lars Gunblade’s latest interview posted on YouTube. In his usual smarmy manner, Stewart made fun of the No Talent Ass Clowns singer for so long that the guest for that day’s show, Vice President Joe Biden, had to be rescheduled.

Gunblade watched the show at a Kings Nose, NJ strip club and began throwing chairs and eventually strippers as Stewart tore into his interview. “This is bullshit,” said Gunblade as police escorted him out of the building. “I’m Lars Gunblade. No one makes fun of me. Not even me!”

“I missed the show,” remarked Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens. “I was pretty wasted when it came on and all I remember is waking up during the closing credits and finding a dead prostitute in my room with my name carved into her buttocks. Let’s just say I had other things to worry about besides what Jon Stewart was saying about Lars.”

Jon Stewart Savors Gunblade’s “Level of Stupid”

“No one ever said rock stars are geniuses,” said Jon Stewart. “But you have to admit… there’s a level of stupid that few people have explored as thoroughly… as professionally… as Lars Gunblade has.” His heavily medicated audience cheered as he wrapped up his speech and mugged for the camera (as he tends to do pretty frequently if you think about it).

In a mock-serious tone, Stewart concluded his commentary with, “You know, I’ve enjoyed poking fun at the Republicans… Fox News… Arby’s. But knowing that before I leave this show… I had a chance to give Lars Gunblade a final comedy enema… well, that makes it all worth it. Thank you, Jesus.”

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Jon Stewart

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The No Talent Ass Clowns like to talk about themselves whenever they get the opportunity. But they seldom sit down for an in-depth, on-camera interview. Luckily, a Kings Nose, NJ student filmmaker convinced front man Lars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens to sit down for a few moments yesterday. As a result, one of rock’s greatest interviews took place.

“I was nervous,” said filmmaker Larry Booth. “These guys are like gods… brain-damaged gods, yeah, but still gods. When I started filming, they really opened up about their music and stuff. It was amazing. Lars barfed on my carpet a whole bunch of times but it was worth it.”

“We wanted to show that we’re amazing, but that we’re also human,” said Lars Gunblade as he wiped the sick from his face after the interview. “I think people are going to be surprised that we’re almost like them in some ways. People are really going to be impressed when they watch this.”

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Rock Wasteland Magazine

Yet another entire issue devoted to front man Lars Gunblade

Rock Wasteland has devoted yet another issue to The No Talent Ass Clowns. In this issue, Lars has a testy interview with famed Rock Wasteland journalist, Dora Stanhope. Here are a few highlights…

Rock Wasteland: Some say you’re a hopeless egomaniac who can’t sing, can’t play and can’t write. They even say you’re a perpetual liar.

Lars: Hey, I am not a perpetual liar. Wait, what does “perpetual” mean?

Rock Wasteland: Tell me, how is the band doing? Did Vas ask about me? Is he seeing someone?

Lars: I thought this interview was going to be about me. I want to talk about me, not the band. Next question, Dora.

Rock Wasteland: Does your music have a message? I’m assuming not.

Lars: Is this some sort of trick question? Because if it is, I’m not answering. I’m sorry, what was the question again?

Rock Wasteland: What’s ahead for Lars Gunblade?

Lars: I’m more concerned about what’s behind Lars Gunblade. And it better be some foxy chick with a 38 rack.

Rock Wasteland: How do you respond to critics who say you and your band are worthless?

Lars: Worthless is a relative term.

Rock Wasteland: What do you mean by that?

Lars: I stand by my answer. Next question, Candi.

Rock Wasteland: Dora.

Lars: Whatever.

Rock Wasteland: Well, I really have to be going. Thanks for the interview, Lars.

Lars: Wait, you’re leaving? Has someone ass*ole in the band been telling you that I still have herpes? Well, they’re f**king liars! I’ll kill them. I’ll kill them all! I got an AA-12 shotgun. They’re dead!

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Lars Gunblade In Concert

Lars Gunblade singing a speed metal version of “Hava Nagila.” Several grandmothers left the event in disgust, saying Gunblade’s mother should be ashamed.

Normally, The No Talent Ass Clowns sell out major venues like Consumption Auditorium. But on Saturday night, the bad boys of rock took the stage at a Bar Mitzvah on Long Island.

“My son likes the band although personally I think they are filth,” remarked Sol O’Leary, father of Bar Mitzvah boy Christopher. “Really, they make my skin crawl. If my parents were alive this would kill them!”

The Ass Clowns played to a packed theater in Flushing that Mr. O’Leary spent good money renting, although he did get a nice deal. “We had an agreement,” said Christopher. “I told my dad if he got the Ass Clowns for my Bar Mitzvah, I’d go into the business with him. He bought it. The thing is, working would get in the way of doin’ stuff. That’s what inheritances are for.”

“It was great,” said Gunblade after the show. “We usually don’t do crap gigs like this, but $500,000 is kinda hard to turn down.”

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Lars Gunblade

Lars Gunblade: shortly before beating the photographer who snapped this picture

No Talent Ass Clowns singer Lars Gunblade was arrested in Kings Nose NJ early this morning after kicking a photographer in the groin nearly 60 times. “I’m not ashamed of what I did. I’d do again. This is my hobby! Don’t you get it?” shouted Gunblade as police took him into the police station and a crowd of groupies and admirers looked on.

The incident began when photographer Chico O’Brian accosted the singer at a strip club. Gunblade demanded that O’Brian stop taking pictures and the two argued. Within minutes, the photographer was on the ground writhing in pain as the singer repeatedly kicked him in the groin.

“Hey, Lars has a temper. That’s not exactly news,” said Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens. “Why do you think nobody in the band wants to talk to him in the studio? He’s kind of scary. That and he smells bad.”

“I’ll never have kids now,” said O’Brian as doctors iced down his crotch. “I used to be a fan. A couple of years ago, he did a signing at the music store where I worked. I thought he was awesome although come to think of it, he kicked me in the balls that day as well.”

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Joey Van Dundro

Joey Van Dundro

No Talent Ass Clowns drummer Joey Van Dundro was discovered early this morning at the New York City apartment of amateur singer Susan Alexander. He was confronted there by his wife, Emily Norton Van Dundro who held a press conference at 10am where she berated her husband and his infidelities. She also criticized his poor drumming abilities, especially on “Pucker Factor,” which Mrs. Van Dundro described as “phoned in.”

Van Dundro is still getting high approval ratings among fans, perhaps because they never liked the fact that Van Dundro secretly married Emily Norton in 2011. Ass clowns roadie and friend of Van Dundro, Jed Leland, said of the drummer, “All he ever wanted out of life was love. That’s the tragedy of Joey Van Dundro. You see, he just doesn’t have any to give.”

The news of Van Dundro’s adultery comes just weeks before the release of his first solo CD, which remains untitled at this time. What effect this news will have on sales of the new CD is impossible to predict.

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New Vas Defrens CD Sparks Outrage

Posted: 16th December 2014 by Lucky in Latest Ass Clown Updates
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Vas Defrens CD

Vas Defrens’ CD is “sick, lewd and deprived but catchy” says critic

Bad boy rock guitarist Vas Defrens of The No Talent Ass Clowns has once again caused a firestorm of controversy with a new CD hitting stores today.

The CD, entitled “I’ll Be Seizin’ You,” contains two 40-minute songs in an elaborate digipak that contains dozens of explicit photos of Vas Defrens’ wife, adult film star Trixie Beaumont, an inflatable bong, a generous amount of factory-sealed marijuana and a discount coupon for Doritos.

The CD was immediately rejected by all retail outlets across the country. Federal agents are visiting hundreds of stores to make sure no copies are sold. Rumor has it that it’s only available by emailing Defrens and wiring cash to a secret account.

“All those hot pics of Trixie Beaumont sure got me going,” remarked Kenneth William Johnson-Hearst, a cashier at the CD 3PO store in Hunt Valley, MD who asked not to be named. “But we can’t be selling a CD loaded with an once of choice bud… no matter how good it is. I don’t want to be arrested again. That would be strike three for me!”

As for the music itself, critic Joe Bunky from Rock Wasteland didn’t hold back, “It’s sick, lewd and deprived but kind of catchy. We gave it four stars but it really shouldn’t be sold anywhere to anyone for any reason.”

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Dave Grohl, Lars Gunblade

Dave Grohl and Lars Gunblade recording a take of “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”

The much-anticipated Dave Grohl-Lars Gunblade Christmas CD collaboration isn’t happening, says Ass Clowns manager Jerry Gold. The two rock stars, who have long despised each other, were at Gunblade’s recording studio last week working on Christmas songs. Unfortunately, the partnership fell apart after laying down tracks for just two songs.

“These guys shouldn’t be in the same room together, let alone try to record an album,” said Mr. Gold. “This is unfortunate. I was counting on the sales from this CD to fatten out my Cayman Island accounts. And it’s mostly Lars’ fault as far as I’m concerned!”

“I had just finished a killer vocal for ‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer’ but Lars insisted on double-tracking it,” said Dave Grohl over the phone. “To me, that felt wrong. Gunblade wanted to over-produce the thing because he’s such a hack.”

“I’m sad. Dave Grohl did his usual Dave Grohl thing and ruined everything,” said Lars Gunblade during a press conference aboard the band’s tour blimp. “Worst of all, he refused to record ‘It’s a Blue Sky Christmas.’ I was angry because it would have been a great song that tweakers everywhere would have enjoyed. Now, it’s never going to happen.”

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Buford Picklefeather is Dead2

Buford Picklefeather (undated photo)

Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ was found dead in his prison cell early Sunday morning. Picklefeather, who was awaiting trial for kidnapping world famous rock band The No Talent Ass Clowns, was discovered with multiple blunt force trauma injuries to his face and neck.

Suspicion was aroused when authorities learned that the band visited Picklefeather 10 minutes before he was discovered dead.

“He hit his face against the bars, got it?” said the band’s front man, Lars Gunblade during a press conference at a Kings Nose strip club. “Case closed. Let’s not discuss this scumbag any more, OK?”

“I second that emotion,” added guitarist Vas Defrens. “The guy’s a dick. We just– somebody just saved the taxpayers a lot of money.”

Readers of The No Talent Ass Clowns Official Worship Site will no doubt remember how often Buford Picklefeather complained about being quoted without his permission. The website owner would just like to add that Picklefeather’s passing is no loss to the planet Earth.

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Buford Picklefeather

Crazed fan Buford Picklefeather’s confession leads police to band members in “sex cave”

Bad boy rock band The No Talent Ass Clowns were discovered alive 50 feet below ground in a secret lair near Kings Nose, NJ. The S&M themed prison was built by crazed fan Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ. The band has been missing for months, which prompted many to believe (and hope) they were dead. When all seemed hopeless, a last-minute confession by Picklefeather alerted authorities to the location of the underground prison and the band was freed earlier today.

“What they were subjected to in that prison I hesitate to tell you about,” said Police Chief Brock Landers during a press conference in the famous warehouse district of Kings Nose. “Before we picked up Mr. Picklefeather on suspicion of murder, he had them doing some really perverted stuff for his amusement in what I can only describe as a ‘sex cave.’ I mean very perverted stuff. Frankly, they probably would be preferred if Picklefeather had just killed them instead. I know that would have been my preference. Seriously, we’re talking some pretty sick sh*t here. Picklefeather took videos so I guess somebody in my department will leak them to the internet by end of day because they’re all douche bags.  If you like the weird stuff, you’re in for a treat.”

The band refused to appear at the press conference but Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade issued a somber statement to the press that read: “Hey everybody. We’re still alive, much to our regret. Jesus, the stuff we did down there makes me want to throw up. They better fry that bastard Buford Picklefeather.”

Fan reaction to the news has been mixed. “I’m sad that they’re alive,” said Amber Lynn-Johnson of Kings Nose who asked not to be identified by name. “However, it sounds like Buford had them doing each other for his amusement. I can think of nothing funnier. That will show the Ass Clowns for kicking me out of one of their backstage parties because they said I was ‘uglier than a troll.’ Somebody might have hit me with an ugly stick, but at least I didn’t do the things they did to each other in that underground prison. Victory is mine.”

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