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“Ass On Demand” by The No Talent Ass Clowns has a simple message that isn’t sitting well with some female fans. Like the “On Demand” button on your remote, the band finds that they have an “Ass On Demand” button on tour. And it gets pressed a lot.

“Hey, why do you think people want to be rock stars anyway? The money? The fame? No. It’s about the chicks, man,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “You could probably get rich selling real estate somewhere, but what good does that do you on a Saturday night? Bupkis.”

“Well, let me tell you, ‘Ass On Demand’ is sort of like the holy grail for the band,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “When we play it live, the audience is really moved. When I look out and see hot young mothers singing the chorus, it touchin’. I have to admit I kind of teared up a little.”

“Let’s be honest here. Who wouldn’t want ‘Ass On Demand’?” asked Gunblade. “I know you’re not supposed to admit that around chicks but come on. At least the band is being honest here. Give us credit for that.”

Ass On Demand: Not So Easy For Some Fans

Most Ass Clowns fans have embraced the song. “I think it’s great,” said a man who asked to be called Mr. K (although his real name is Kyle Longbaugh and he lives at 3927 Elmroyster Circle in Elmira, NY). “My wife wants to divorce me because I’ve tried to take this song’s message to heart. Turns out I haven’t had as much success as the band regarding this boy, this girl, this sex thing.”

Originally released four years ago, “Ass On Demand” showed up again on their latest CD “Pinch the Loaf.” When asked why they re-recorded the song, Gunblade grew indignant. “What kind of question is that? Artists may paint several versions of a painting. Don’t ask me any more stupid questions.”

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Legendary rock band The No Talent Ass Clowns have taken concerts to a whole new level: the band plays to completely empty theaters. And the weird thing is that it’s 100% intentional.

“We had been building up to this for damn near 20 years,” said singer Lars Gunblade. “I mean, shit, these fans were just totally annoying. If it wasn’t for all the groupies, we’d have given up this gig a long time ago. Now, we buy up all the seats at each show and play our 15-minute set. Playing empty theaters is great.”

“The audience was always the biggest obstacle to playing live,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “It’s perfect now. I feel like we have finally achieved what we have wanted to achieve for a long time.”

“Personally, I think they’re assholes for doing this,” said No Talent Ass Clowns manager Jerry Gold. “Seriously, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that this isn’t financially sustainable for very long. I just bought another yacht. The Velvet Trench is a beautiful boat and the ladies like it too. But the bank is going to come after it if we keep doing concerts at empty theaters. This whole thing is really making me nervous.”

“We do what we do,” said Gunblade. “No other band would have the balls to do this. We do and we did.”

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Pinch The Loaf Music Video Posted

Posted: 18th January 2016 by Lucky in Latest Ass Clown Updates
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For some reason, The No Talent Ass Clowns‘ Pinch The Loaf music video and an accompanying interview got posted on Funny or Die. We’re not sure how this happened but we thought we’d link to it anyway.

“This video was two hours in the making,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “Several people are saying they directed it but it’s definitely me. I directed the whole thing and it’s beyond awesome. I watched a fan video for the song last week and proceeded to steal ideas from it. I’m proud of that. In terms of style, I think it’s where all music videos should be going.”

How this Pinch The Loaf music video wound up on Funny or Die confuses guitarist Vas Defrens. “I don’t know why some people still think we’re a fake band,” said Defrens. “I mean, here’s the song and here’s the video. That’s as real as it gets. Why this is on Funny Or Die is way beyond my comprehension. There’s really nothing funny about it. We were making a really serious artistic statement with this song. But, if it gets viewed, who really cares? Not me.”

Pinch the Loaf Music Video Proves Popular With Fans

“I like the colors,” said Amber Z., an Ass Clowns fan from Columbia, Maryland. “I find myself watching it over and over again. I know that’s not normal but I can’t help it.”

“I’m drawn to its hypnotic sound,” said Reverend Scott of Our Lady of Perpetual Turmoil in Bay Ridge, NY. “And truthfully, it makes me want to pinch a loaf. Even right now as I speak.”

“I quit my job so that I can watch this all day long without any interruptions,” said Bill, a former Wall Street stock broker. “It was worth it. I have no regrets.”

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A new fan video for The No Talent Ass Clowns‘ hit song “Pinch the Loaf” is out and we’re impressed. Typically, fans post videos about how much they hate the Ass Clowns that are filled with death threats so this was a pleasant change of pace. Tawny Wilcox, 20, submitted the video to the band last week and front man Lars Gunblade was immediately impressed.

“Pinch The Loaf” Fan Makes the Grade

“She was stacked, I noticed that right away,” said Gunblade. “She showed me the ‘Pinch the Loaf’ video and I tried to catch a little of it while thoroughly checking her out. It seemed OK from what I saw of it. I’d just like to say for the record that Tawny is amazing and, as it turns out, pretty f*ckin’ limber.”

“I’d say that ‘Pinch the Loaf’ says everything about us as a band that we’d like to say,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “I only felt like writing a chorus so that’s all the words. That’s the way we roll. It also means that we don’t forget the words on stage. We’re usually pretty wasted up there so it’s very helpful.”

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VIDEO: Words of Wisdom #6

Posted: 23rd December 2015 by Lucky in Latest Ass Clown Updates
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Singer Lars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens of The No Talent Ass Clowns once again share their views on life as mega rock stars in this new video compilation. “Yeah, we’re pretty amazing,” said Lars Gunblade. “What we say is so much more important than what other rock stars have to say, which is nothing. Who wants to hear Bono or U2 or the Foo Fighters pontificate about things when you can listen to me instead? I’m much more interesting. The choice is obvious.”

“I don’t like interviews normally,” said legendary guitarist Vas Defrens. “But my wife Trixie Beaumont is the director. So if things get boring, we can always just get it on instead. With the camera rolling, of course. Trixie is always better with a camera on her.”

“Lars Gunblade and Vas Defrens really tell it like it is,” said director and well-known porn star Trixie Beaumont. “Normally, they’re so wasted that they can’t string two sentences together. But on those rare days when they’re coherent, I like to roll the camera as much as possible to get stuff like this.”

“It’s good that Trixie does a lot of these interviews,” said Ass Clowns manager Jerry Gold. “When they lose focus, she can bang them and get them back on-track. I don’t do that kind of thing any longer. Not with people I know anyway.”

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Red Rocks looks large in rock history. But not for one band. Legendary rockers The No Talent Ass Clowns are mad that their experience at Red Rocks Amphitheater was “shit” compared to U2’s famous 1983 concert at the same venue.

“We showed up and gave a concert. That’s it. Basically, nothing happened,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “It was just a concert. Why was U2 given God-like status for their concert at Red Rocks? Tell me that! This is just another reason that Bono pisses me off. And I’ve got a long list of reasons. Personal reasons.”

“It didn’t rain, that was depressing,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “I was hoping the lightning would come and one of us or all of us would be electrocuted and we’d burst into flames and shit. That would have outdone U2 in a big way. But it didn’t happen. The whole thing was just a big let down. Even the groupies after the show weren’t that great. Except for Annette. Man, that thing you did with the thing? That was awesome. You gotta join us on tour. Next time, we want to film you doing that. It was definitely a talent you got going on. I’m like totally serious, man.”

“I can’t imagine the Ass Clowns ever coming back to Red Rocks,” said Gunblade. “Seriously, why would we? There are plenty of other venues out there and plenty of groupies we haven’t even tapped yet. So, we’re moving on. Red Rocks is definitely in our rear view mirror.”

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The No Talent Ass Clowns have once again stated their requirement that fans must pay an annual fee for a fan membership card to be their fans. The lordly sum of $200 is now required by the band in order for fans to be able to call themselves fans. Two years ago, the price was $500 but the band is now giving a discount until 2017.

For that price, fans receive a fan membership card that entitles them to many exclusive benefits. “It’s worth the money,” says front man Lars Gunblade. “It would still be worth it if we charged them five grand. We’re not going to do that, however. At least not for the next fiscal year. In 2017, no options are off the table.”

It Doesn’t End With a Fan Membership Card

“I think a fan membership card is a great idea,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. The bad boy guitarist also created a fee for groupies to come backstage. “Hey, they’re getting themselves some Vas loving for nothing. I was being exploited. I should at least get paid if I’m being exploited. I mean, that’s only fair, right?”

“They’ve like totally sold out,” said Amber, a long-time No Talent Ass Clowns groupie. “Banging the band should be free. Paying seems so corporate. I’m really disappointed in these guys. But not so disappointed that I’ll skip being with them. I’m totally theirs after concerts. I don’t how I’ll afford it but I’ll figure out something.”

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Pinch the Loaf - CDIt’s been quite awhile since we’ve seen a new No Talent Ass Clowns CD. The arrival of “Pinch the Loaf” on Tuesday puts the legendary band back on the charts. Although back on the charts will be difficult since Amazon has banned their CDs and numerous retail outlets won’t carry their music either.

“Yeah, it’s bullshit,” says singer Lars Gunblade. “We’re the greatest band ever but all of these pricks won’t carry the CDs. All we asked for was 100% of the sales. They should feel honored just having our music in their stores. Yet, they want to make a profit by exploiting us? They want to make money off of our sweat and our labor? I don’t think so.”

“The song ‘Pinch the Loaf‘ is one of the best things we’ve written in a long time,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “They tell you to write about what you know and I know about pinching a loaf so it made total sense to write a song about it. My wife [porn star Trixie Beaumont] helped me write some of the lyrics but she’s not getting credit because that means I’d have to pay her and I’m not going to do that. No way.”

Their band manager, Jerry Gold, produced the album and has said it’s a masterpiece. “It’s a masterpiece,” said Jerry Gold. “The Beatles had their Sergeant Pepper and I think the No Talent Ass Clowns now have ‘Pinch the Loaf.’ The sonic landscapes of this album are amazing. You’ve got it all here: guitar distortion… gastric accidents… shouting. The band’s entire career has been leading up to this moment and this CD. ‘Pinch the Loaf’ is kind of an allegory for what happens in your life. Sometimes, you have to let things go. That’s the theme of the album, although it’s mostly about literally pinching a loaf. This is Lars and Vas we’re talking about. They’re not exactly big thinkers.”

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Singer Lars Gunblade of The No Talent Ass Clowns got tired of having his custom Gibson Les Paul guitar stolen on tour. “Some guitarists take cheaper guitars and make them look like a Gibson,” said Gunblade. “I wanted to take the opposite approach because I figure I’m way smarter than they are. You can find a thousand webpages telling you how to make a Les Paul knock-off look like a genuine Gibson but there isn’t one website telling you how to do the reverse. We were in real uncharted territory with this project.”

Turning a Gibson Les Paul Guitar Into a Knock-Off

Gunblade asked Rando, his long-time guitar tech, to take his top-of-the-line Gibson Les Paul guitar and make it look like a cheap 1970s Korean knock-off. “It seemed like a crime,” said Rando. “It really offended me to do what I did to that custom Gibson Les Paul guitar. But I didn’t have any other choice really. Lars has some incriminating video of me that I wouldn’t want to go pubic. So I adulterated that beautiful f*cking Gibson Les Paul guitar. Now, it looks like a shitty bottom-of-the-line knock-off that you’d buy for 50 bucks at a used guitar store. But, hey, that’s what Lars wanted.”

“Hey, problem solved, man,” said Gunblade. “Nobody tries to steal this thing now. Why would they? You see, that’s how brilliant I am.”

“At first, I didn’t like the idea,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “But now that nobody even tries to take the guitars told me that Lars, as usual, was right. I hate to admit that and I certainly wouldn’t tell him because he would become even harder to deal with than he is now.”

Other bands have not followed the Ass Clowns’ lead. When Foo Fighters front man Dave Grohl was asked if he will downgrade his guitar the way Lars Gunblade did, his only response was, “Who’s Lars Gunblade?”

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Mega-group The No Talent Ass Clowns are big on their music in mono, reversing a 60-year trend in music favoring stereo mixing. “It’s bullshit,” says Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade. “We want our music to be simple. That’s what you should always remember about us, we’re simple.”

“Well, it pretty much cuts the mixing time in half,” says Joe Roberts, a recording engineer at No, Not There! Studios where The No Talent Ass Clowns record in Kings Nose, NJ. “Now, all I need is one speaker and bam, we’re done. It’s beautiful. Music in mono is the greatest thing ever.”

Music in Mono: The Wave of the Future?

“We pretty much call the shots in the rock world now,” says Gunblade. “And you can bet that all rock bands will follow our lead soon. That’s right… U2 and Foo Fighters will follow along like good little boys and pretend that they discovered mixing their albums in mono. Ha! Before long, every rock CD will have a mono mix. I can’t wait for that day. Mono is how music was meant to be heard. Everybody knows that!”

Now, the band is demanding that fans return their old Ass Clowns CDs in stereo so that they can send them replacements in mono. But fan reaction has been negative.

“I got a threatening letter in the mail telling me to return my Ass Clowns CDs,” says Janice, a fan from Scranton, PA. “They said they’d whack out my whole family if I didn’t return my stereo mixes of their albums. That ain’t gonna happen. The way the sound travels from channel to channel on ‘Let’s Try Something Different’ is worth keeping. They can’t have my stereo CDs. No way. Screw the band, which by the way, I wouldn’t do under any condition. Ever.”

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Rock Wasteland MagazineIn December’s issue of Rock Wasteland, rock star Lars Gunblade manages to inflate his ego still more with another self-congratulatory interview. Rock Wasteland, a magazine infamous for the number of “Special No Talent Ass Clowns” editions it has put out, has once again literally gotten on its knees and orally pleasured the vainglorious singer for The No Talent Ass Clowns.

Rock journalist Tawny Straker caught up with Gunblade at his estate outside Rutland, Vermont. Tawny was a bit surprised when Gunblade requested that she be naked and oiled for the interview but in the interest of journalism went along with the singer’s request.

As usual, Gunblade was combative for the interview but provided some interesting insights that Ass Clowns fans are sure to find fascinating:

Rock Wasteland: So, why is it you’re so great?

Gunblade: Oh, come on, Tawny, I think after last night, you know exactly why I’m great. I mean, I was, wasn’t I?

Rock Wasteland: Well, last night is probably best forgotten, don’t you think, Mr. Shrinky-Dink? Let me re-phrase the question. Why is it that you’re such a great rock star?

Gunblade: Let’s not undersell this, OK? I’m a total rock legend. Not everybody knows that but I certainly do. Other bands are jealous of course. U2 has always had it in for us. And the Foo Fighters, yeah, everybody knows about my troubles with them.

Rock Wasteland: You once said that Led Zeppelin wouldn’t be fit to open for you. That’s a pretty bold statement.

Gunblade: Yes, that’s true. What I said was technically true. John Bonham’s been dead for 35 years so his drumming would be pretty off. See what I mean? They wouldn’t perform very well as a band.

Rock Wasteland: Some people have said you’re a pathetic sexist who treats women like objects. How do you respond?

Gunblade: Look, I respect every chick I’ve ever banged. I mean, we installed a delivery room on our tour blimp for pregnant groupies. I think that says a lot about this band, don’t you?

Rock Wasteland: It says plenty. One final question: you’ve said you plan to do more touring as a solo act. Why?

Gunblade: Not having to split the proceeds four ways is a big reason. Plus, I don’t like the band. Everybody knows that. This interview is getting boring. Let’s get in the hot tub and talk about me.

Rock Wasteland: Works for me. Hopefully, the third time will be the charm. At least I hope so.

(reprinted with permission from Rock Wasteland magazine)

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VIDEO: Ass Clowns Words of Wisdom #5

Posted: 2nd November 2015 by Lucky in Latest Ass Clown Updates
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Kurt Cobain, giving the finger and staging the ultimate rock concert on Mars are subjects of this latest interview with The No Talent Ass Clowns. The interview, directed by porn star Trixie Beaumont, is the latest installment of their “Words of Wisdom” series.

“We say some pretty amazing things,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “The fans really hang on our every word and these are some primo words of wisdom we’re giving out.”

“It’s super important stuff,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “Everything we say is amazing and we change the lives of our fans when they listen to what we say over and over like sheep.”

“It’s really just the incoherent shit that these two belch out that makes it into the ‘Word of Wisdom’ stuff,” said Trixie Beaumont. “But it works so we go with it.”

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Legendary band The No Talent Ass Clowns recently explained why they charge six times more for concert tickets than U2 does. “Why? Because we can,” said singer Lars Gunblade. Gunblade seems to have a few issues with U2 singer Bono. “I’ve always had a problem with U2. I saw U2 at their famous Red Rocks concert in ’83. It was raining like a mofo all night. I got phenomena from that concert and Bono didn’t. That has always pissed me off.”

“Lars and Bono don’t get along,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “They’ve met a couple of times and Lars told Bono that U2 was nothing more than an Irish show band. For whatever reason, that really got Bono angry as shit.”

The Ass Clowns apparently plan to keep raising prices every month. “Eventually I want each ticket to be $30,000. That’s my goal. Milk these ‘sheeple’ for all they’re worth. Look at it this way, they’ll appreciate the concert even more when they pay through the nose.”

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Legendary band The No Talent Ass Clowns opened up about working in the recording studio. Singer Lars Gunblade acknowledged the difficulty of writing songs, admitting it can take him up to an hour to write a song. Guitarist Vas Defrens recounted the difficulties they had with a midget band recording next door.

Much was made of the band’s infamous “Ass on Demand” album. Gunblade declared that the song “In My Mind’s Ass” truly defined the band’s style. “We think about ass a lot. Who doesn’t?” asked the singer after the interview.

The segment begins with some recently discovered fan home video of the band’s 1995 concert at Gacy Arena in Waterloo, Iowa. “I remember that concert mostly because I had shat my pants just as we walked out onstage but I couldn’t change clothes till the show was over. Not the best memory in the world if you don’t like that sort of thing.”

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Mega band The No Talent Ass Clowns recently discussed their childhood in Kings Nose NJ in a new interview released over the weekend. Singer Lars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens revealed childhood robberies at a candy store and a general dislike for the town and its mayor.

The two rock stars have always had a love/hate relationship with Kings Nose. “We love to hate it,” said Gunblade after the interview. “Kings Nose is the toilet of New Jersey. If you know New Jersey, you know that’s quite a statement.”

In addition, Lars seemed to be hinting during the interview at a sexual relationship with the Mayor’s sexy wife, former porn star Traci Trench. When reached for comment,  Trench would only say, “Yes, I have known Lars Gunblade for many years in Kings Nose. I cannot confirm or deny that there are secret sex tapes of us about to be released in high definition with some really good lighting and some very visually dynamic camera angles. Just keep watching my website for any updates about this rumored sex tape in about three weeks. That’s all I’m saying.”

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