Lars Gunblade at Consumption Auditorium

It’s a fairly typical story. A rabid No Talent Ass Clowns fan in Haney, Canada logged onto the Ass Clowns website on April 6 and spent 31 minutes reading page after page of content about the legendary band and its exploits. What’s not so typical is that just a month later, the Ass Clowns played to a sell-out crowd at the city’s Nudist Days Festival in Pitt Meadows Athletic Park. It’s all part of the band’s tour strategy.

“If you spend more than 20 minutes on the band’s website,” explained front man Lars Gunblade, “we’re gonna play a concert date in your town and I’m not bullshitting here. In addition, we’ll be sampling the local girls backstage. It’s a win-win situation for the band and our fans… although A LOT more so for us.”

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Vas Defrens under arrest

For the first time in the band’s history, three of the four members of the legendary No Talent Ass Clowns have been arrested within the space of one month. Last night, Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens was arrested in Kings Nose, NJ after an altercation with a police officer. He joins the ranks of recent felons, front man Lars Gunblade and bassist Tarquin Chard.

“I realized that I hadn’t been arrested for a few years,” said Defrens. “I was starting to feel some pressure from the rest of the group to get arrested so I decided now was a good time to spend a little time behind bars. It was great. Naturally, our manager sprung me after 90 minutes. It gave me just enough time to write five songs for the new CD.”

Fans are now wondering if drummer Joey Van Dundro will complete the arrest cycle for the band. “I’m thinkin’ about it,” said Van Dundro. “If I get picked up, I want it to be for something really weird. Trouble is, I’ve been picked up for just about everything. I’m runnin’ out of weird.”

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Tarquin Chard under arrest in Kings Nose, NJ

No Talent Ass Clowns‘ bassist Tarquin Chard was arrested outside Jerry Gold Recording Studios in Kings Nose, NJ late last night. This is not an unusual occurrence. Chard has been arrested hundreds of times for drug possession and soliciting underage prostitutes. This time, however, there were no charges of any kind.

Arresting officer Hans Gruber was unapologetic. “He was bugging me,” said Gruber. “I don’t like his music or his bass playing. When I saw him in front of the studio having a smoke and talking to some groupies, I figured why not run him in for no reason at all? So I did and let me tell you, it felt great. The guys in the precinct house thought it was funny too. Now we have a contest going to see who can arrest the most people without charges in a single day.”

“Naturally, our manager, Jerry Gold, bailed me out,” said a frustrated Chard during a press conference he called at a strip club shortly after being released. Between lap dances, Chard explained what happened after his arrest.

“This whole experience has taken its toll on me. Apparently, I’m now engaged to some guy named ‘Tazz’ who was in my holding cell. I’m a little concerned about what that could do to my reputation. And besides, making a marriage work in this business is pretty tough.”

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Lars Gunblade (File photo)

Legendary No Talent Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade was arrested this morning for possession of 57 tons of marijuana by ATF agents who track him throughout the year.

“57 tons of pot is a lot of pot,” said ATF agent Jacques O’Flaherty. “I mean a whole lot of bud. Like 35 tractor trailers worth actually. I’m not sure Americans collectively smoke that much weed in a year. The crazy part is that this appears to be Lars’ personal stash for just two weeks. This guy spends a lot on stuff like Doritos, let me tell you.”

Within two hours of his arrest, Gunblade was released without charges . “Our manager, Jerry Gold, bought off the cops. Let’s just say a bunch of ATF agents will be red-eyed tonight,” said a smiling Gunblade as he rejoined The No Talent Ass Clowns who are currently working on tracks for a new album before they hit the road touring in May.

“It’s gonna be a green day after all. Thank God they didn’t find my emergency supplies,” said a grinning Gunblade as he fondled several groupies doing a playback.

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Lars Gunblade at Consumption Auditorium

For a limited time, No Talent Ass Clowns fans can get a special limited edition poster of rock legend, Lars Gunblade.

Printed on special recycled smoking papers, the poster shows Gunblade in his favorite setting, the disreputable Consumption Auditorium in Kings Nose, NJ. In the poster, Gunblade seems oblivious to all of the defaced Ass Clowns posters on the walls of the crumbling concert venue.

Fans worldwide are appalled that the poster sells for $5,000. “It’s a bargain,” said Lars Gunblade. “After all, it’s me and you know you want it. Hell, even I get turned on just looking at it.”

“I don’t know if I can afford this Lars Gunblade poster,” said avid fan Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ. “I could turn some tricks again. I suppose that would give me enough cash. It just bugs me that I have to do that. My wife will be pissed.”

According to Ass Clowns’ manager, Jerry Gold, the poster is only available to attractive female groupies with large breasts who get invited backstage. “Hey, look, we can’t just let anyone have this poster.”

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A virulent strain of social disease has been named after legendary band The No Talent Ass Clowns. Named “Assclownus-burning-urineus,” the disease is unique to Ass Clown band members and their legions of groupies.

“It’s a persistent disease,” said Dr. Winston O’Boogie. “Some members of the band, I won’t say who, have horribly disfigured genitalia due to Assclownus-burning-urineus. If I got this disease, I think I’d probably blow my brains out rather than suffer through its multiple mutilating effects.”

“This is friggin’ awesome news!” exclaimed front man Lars Gunblade aboard the band’s tour blimp. “It’s good to know all of that burning when we pee and going to the hospital could turn into something incredible like this. We’ve always wanted to give back to the community and fortunately, this disease will be around long after we all wind up overdosing in some cheap hotel when our careers are over.”

“I’ve had Assclownus-burning-urineus a dozen times,” said a groupie named Bambi. “It’s painful and I’m barren, of course. But, you know what? It was worth it. The band has always paid my medical bills. The Ass Clowns are just totally awesome guys!”

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Vas Defrens cranks a guitar solo

Legendary bad boy rock guitarist Vas Defrens checked into an unnamed hospital in LA yesterday, making it the 42nd time he’s done so in the last two years. A nervous hospital spokesman assured press members that Defrens was simply “exhausted” and nothing more needed to be said or written about it.

Here is part of this press conference, which was inexplicably held in a strip club several miles from the hospital at Defrens’ request:

Spokesman: Nothing is wrong with Vas. Nothing at all. He will be re-joining The No Talent Ass Clowns world tour this afternoon. He’s exhausted, OK? Let it go!

Reporter: Come on! I understand Vas Defrens came into the hospital after overdosing on a cocktail of heroin, cocaine, ecstasy, codeine, morphine and St. Joseph’s chewable aspirin. You know, the orange-flavored ones.

Spokesman: This is, of course, ridiculous! The sparrow flies because he has wings. Can we deny a rock star the same practice?

Reporter: But is it true?

Spokesman: I stand on my answer.

Reporter: But what about–?

Spokesman: Please excuse me, gentlemen, I’ve paid for a lap dance.

Ass Clowns fans seemed alarmed by the media attention. Outside the hospital, fanatical fan Buford Picklefeather from Perth Amboy, NJ,  shouted “Leave Vas alone!” repeatedly. He was eventually tased a dozen times and taken into the ER when he started having violent seizures.

When asked for comment, No Talent Ass Clowns’ manager, Jerry Gold only said, “Get that f*cking microphone out of my f*cking face before I tear off your head and sh*t in your neck!”

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To the surprise of the rest of the band, No Talent Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade announced a brief solo tour in March. “Yeah, I needed to get away from the rest of the band,” said Gunblade during a hastily called press conference aboard the band’s tour blimp. “They suck and I wanted to play a few dates where I didn’t have to share the money with other losers.”

“This is kind of a shock,” said Ass Clowns’ guitarist Vas Defrens. “We were supposed to be in the studio in March. Now what? Should I record another solo CD? Hell, no, that’s too much work. I guess I could spend the time getting high and nailing groupies but that’s just business as usual. Where’s the thrill?”

Gunblade promises an amazing show. “I’m doing a whole new version of Blow Chunks Ballet. A lot of people don’t know that Blow Chunks pre-dates the Ass Clowns. I was playing that song in the Factory-Sealed Fornicators. On this tour, I have a children’s choir backing me up on the chorus and we’re all going to throw up on the people in the front row at the end of the song. It’s gonna be awesome!”

Billing himself as “L. Gunblade,” the infamous singer hopes to put some distance between himself and the Ass Clowns. “Let’s be honest. The rest of the band isn’t as great as I am. They’re not going to suckle at my teat this time. This tour is ‘me-time’ and I’m takin’ it.”

The No Talent Ass Clowns will resume their world tour in April.

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The No Talent Ass Clowns say they have finally found out their purpose… sponsoring 20 million dollars to restore cult favorite film, Manos, the Hands of Fate:

Manos: The Hands of Fate (Clip #1) from Manos in HD on Vimeo.

“We feel this film is pretty much the greatest film ever made,” said front man, Lars Gunblade. “We want to do what we can to get it the HD treatment with a brand-new 7.1 sound mix.” The obscure 1960s film is being prepared for HD release.

“It’s worth any amount of money to get a Blu-Ray of this movie into every video outlet in the country,” said Gunblade. “Like I always say, once you’ve seen this movie, you never forget it. From this point forward, 90% of the proceeds of our concerts will go towards restoring this film. ‘Avatar’ is about to take a back seat to the greatest film ever.”

Lars Gunblade, lead singer of The No Talent Ass Clowns

No Talent Ass Clowns‘ front man Lars Gunblade says God has told him to live a life of sex, drugs and rock and roll.

“Yes, it’s true. I’m on a mission from God,” says Gunblade. “I have asked his guidance to sell more concert seats than other rock groups. He has agreed that I totally rock and he will do his best to make sure bands like The Foo Fighters never challenge the greatness of The No Talent Ass Clowns. Previously, the old man was spending a lot of time on Bronchos football. I read him the riot act and he admitted football didn’t really matter compared to rock and roll.”

How can the Almighty sanction such behavior? “I have pretty much free rein,” says Gunblade with a sneer. “I can’t bang too many groupies. I can’t do too many drugs. I can’t act like a pig to too many fans. It’s great. Essentially, every nameless chick I nail brings me closer to heaven. You gotta admit, that’s a sweet set-up.”

Football fans have taken exception to Gunblade’s inflammatory statements. “Lars Gunblade is full of shit!” said Dan J. DeSpudswell, a Denver Bronchos football fan. “God has a vested interest in football, not rock music!”

Gunblade’s comments have only confirmed his holy status with a Christian church in North Carolina that worships Gunblade and No Talent Ass Clowns CDs. “Lars is speaking the truth,” said churchgoer Edna Craddock. “I personally don’t go in for all their backdoor sex references but I worship their words nevertheless.”

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Recently, The No Talent Ass Clowns told Rock Wasteland Magazine about their favorite music videos. At first, they resisted giving an answer. After a barrage of f-words, they finally revealed their choices.

Their choices would frighten most people. For front man Lars Gunblade, it was this one. “I love this. It’s what all music videos should be!” he shouted as he groped a nearby groupie:

Guitarist Vas Defrens voted the following as his favorite video. “It has the integrity, attitude and sheer hipness missing in music videos today,” he said:

Drummer Joey Van Dundro and bass player Tarquin Chard both give this as their favorite:

So there you have it. Surely, everyone can see the influence of these videos on No Talent Ass Clowns’ videos like Blow Chunks Ballet.

No Talent Ass Clowns Protests in Kings Nose, NJ

Protests have erupted nationwide over the release of the latest No Talent Ass Clowns‘ CD Ass On Demand. The most aggressive protests have been in Kings Nose, NJ, where the infamous band got their start in the early 1990s.

“Ass, ass, ass, that’s all this band is about!” said Rev. Jake J. Weatherspoon of Kings Nose bitterly. “Ass On Demand is appalling music. And ass is not as readily available as this band makes it seem. Believe me, I know. If protesting can lead to the deaths of each band member, I have done my job as a Christian.”

“As a woman, all of this ass talk is offensive,” said protester Gladys P. O’Toole. “Yeah, I’ve put out for a lot of bands that come to town but that doesn’t mean I’m a ho. And just for the record, [lead singer] Lars Gunblade isn’t exactly God’s gift to women in the sack. I have had two of his children and he has never called me. Why won’t he call me?” said O’Toole as she started to cry pitifully.

What does the band make of this? “We love it,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “If the audience looks threatening at one of our concerts, we’ll simply have security kill a few people as an example. They’ll quiet down after the blood starts to flow. Don’t forget that I’ve already killed concertgoers. It’s no big deal. The No Talent Ass Clowns love violence.“

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