It’s official. If you’re a female and you go to a No Talent Ass Clowns show, the band requires that you attend topless. In fact, females not adhering to the new provision will be escorted off the premises, according to Ass Clowns manager, Jerry Gold.

“Hey, man, this is just the first step,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “We want all chicks at concerts to be completely nude. That should be happening in a year or two. It takes a lot of bribes to government officials, let me tell you. I’ve had to do some things I’m not proud of. Some really sick things that all the booze, groupies and drugs in the world can’t wash out of my memory.”

“I want to look out into the audience and see a sea of ta-tas,” exclaimed guitarist Vas Defrens. “This is like a dream come true, man.”

Fans don’t seem to mind. “Sounds good to me,” said Tawny Chang, president of the No Talent Ass Clowns Fan Club. “These babies shouldn’t be kept under wraps.”

Vas Defrens' Ass House Restaurant

  1. Angie says:

    I just returned from an Ass Clowns concert where I was topless. I was groped a lot and the auditorium was so cold that those nips of mine stood out to beat the band. I loved it. I can’t wait to go bottomless too! Should be fun. I expect I’ll be ravaged and wind up in the hospital with internal bleeding but there you go.

  2. heath says:

    This band is bogus. Not that that’s a bad thing.

  3. Roy Dupree says:

    I’m not familiar with this band but I’d definitely like to attend any concert with topless chicks.

  4. Thelma Todd says:

    Just found this site. No Talent Ass Clowns? What kind of stupid name is that for a band?

  5. Charlie Sheen says:

    I admire this band’s ability to keep it real. Every guy wants to see a crowd of topless women but only the No Talent Ass Clowns have done something about it. Well done, gentlemen, well done! Winning!

    • Mr. X says:

      Any a-hole who thinks Charlie Sheen posted here is nuts. I know Charlie Sheen and he didn’t comment here. Yeah, Charlie Sheen is a big No Talent Ass Clowns fan but he didn’t write that message.

  6. Sister Beatrice says:

    This all seems pretty unlikely to me. I mean, what if the auditorium is cold?

  7. Candi from Queens says:

    This is the most disgusting thing I ever heard of. There’s no way I’m showing off my pert 38Ds to everyone at an Ass Clowns concert. If anyone wants to see them, they’ll have to pay like everyone else does.

  8. Father Mick from St. Rita's says:

    Sounds good to me.

  9. Meat Pants says:

    I stopped going to their concerts because asshole fans busted out the windows of my car and crapped on the seats, which apparently is a tradition at No Talent Ass Clowns concerts. However, I might be able to put up with that if all the chicks are topless.

  10. guy in a band from NYC says:

    There’s no way they can pull this off. Believe me, I’ve tried.