Singer Lars Gunblade of The No Talent Ass Clowns has some problems. His infamous strip clubs, Take It Off, Bitch!, have been shut down by police after having only been open for two days. The FBI issued a report saying the franchise locations were being used as houses of prostitution and as a clearing house for No Talent Ass Clowns CDs, concert tickets and T-shirts.
The chain of Lars Gunblade’s strip clubs had a short but news-worthy life. They opened Friday night. On Saturday night, Ass Clowns guitarist Vas Defrens was arrested for having sex with a dancer on a table in the dining area, and finally on Sunday morning, police and FBI agents raided each of the 50 locations.
“The scene in there was way sicker than you could imagine,” said Special Agent Phillip Wilson. “I’ve been to the red-light district in Amsterdam and that place is like a church compared to Gunblade’s club. But the whole prostitution thing wasn’t even the real problem. Gunblade was forcing patrons to buy his band’s CDs and concert tickets or he’d release hidden videos to the internet of them having sex with the dancers. That’s pretty messed up.”
“This is a good thing, ” said Jim R. Turnball, a patron of the club. “The whole brothel thing was great. I was with several of the girls. But I didn’t want to pay for No Talent Ass Clowns CDs. I hate that band. Besides, I’ve got a family. What would they think of me if I bought that band’s music?”
The FBI released the singer after Manager Jerry Gold had a private meeting with the agents. “Yeah, it was expensive paying off those guys,” said Gunblade as he boarded the band’s tour blimp with dancer Cherry Bomb just a few hours ago. “It’s sad that you can’t run a business anymore without the federal government stickin’ its nose in and tellin’ you what to do! I mean, who’s to say what’s legal?”