Centralia Concert

Live Virgin Sacrifices Slated For Centralia, PA Concert

In a press conference aboard their tour blimp, controversial rockers The No Talent Ass Clowns announced they will perform a free concert in Centralia, PA on Saturday, August 11 where they will sacrifice five nude virgins onstage. The band will take the stage at noon and sacrifice the girls during the final song, which is rumored to be “Burn You To A Crisp” off their upcoming album “A Little Ass Music.”

The setting for the concert could not be more dramatic. Centralia, PA is an abandoned town where a coal fire has burned underground since the early 1960s. The band members said they were excited by the fact that parts of the road have been ripped apart in Centralia and hot smoke comes out. “That is massively cool. Like playing a concert in hell, man!” said front man Lars Gunblade. “At the conclusion of the concert, we will throw the virgins into the smoking fissures in the ground and they will be enveloped in flames. It should be awesome.”

The band wouldn’t give the exact location of the Centralia concert. “Technically, we’re not supposed to be there because it’s dangerous to inhale all of that carbon monoxide shit,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “But this is rock and roll and we need to offer a sacrifice to the Gods of Rock. Who’s going to stop us? The Centralia police department? I don’t think so. The town’s like deserted, man. You can bet there’ll be a lot of ass clowning at that concert.”

Gunblade said the virgins haven’t been selected yet but there is no end of applicants. “You wouldn’t believe how many girls want to do this,” said Gunblade. “If we had known so many chicks were willing to be sacrificed, we would have started doing this at shows 10 years ago.”

UPDATE: Unconfirmed rumors are flying around the web saying that Tesla will open for The No Talent Ass Clowns. Could be tough ’cause they’re already playing the Wisconsin State Fair that evening. Stay tuned for more.

UPDATE: A state employee who declined to be identified says that there could be as many as 200,000 at Ass Clowns concert.


  1. michelle martz says:

    wow what a great concert!! that was such a great solos you made i didn’t even hear it!! what a waste of a website!!

  2. Rita says:

    And we were so looking forward to this.

  3. CentraliaAdvocate says:

    There is no way that the former residents and what is left of the current residents will let this happen. You literal NO TALENT ASS CLOWNS have absolutely no respect for the people that have been hurt and displaced by the horrific events of the Centralia Mine Fire. I for one will be in Centralia on August 11, with the former residents and supporters of Centralia to make sure that this concert never gets played. Why don’t you no talent pieces of shit find some other town to disgrace with your total disregard for anyone or anything besides some free press time. By the grace of God, you will not make it anywhere near Centralia. Maybe your parents need to teach you a valuable lesson in respect for thousands of people who lives were ruined by the mine fire tragedy.

    • Friend of Centralia says:

      CentraliaAdvocate: I couldn’t agree with you more. As a former Centralia resident myself, I will be there too and keep this concert with these long-haired pigs from happening. I’m guessing that they’ll be on that abandoned section of 61 and that’s where we should concentrate our efforts to keep them away. Thank you for fighting the good fight.

      • Walter S. says:

        I’m coming to enjoy this concert. I’m not letting a few negative people scare me away. Who cares about Centralia? The place is a smoking wasteland from what I’ve heard. It’s not like we can do anything to damage the place!!! I hope this thing is as big as what I’m hearing.

        • Rev. Robert de Beaumont says:

          Centralia was destroyed by the wrath of God. He swept his hand over the landscape and scorched it to show his anger. This band concert is merely the instrument of his will… the final judgement on the town. Requiescat in pace.

          • Edna B. says:

            I’m glad to hear SOMEONE taking a stand against this sick idea for a concert. What has this world come to? I looked at a picture of this band and almost threw up.

  4. Tara says:

    You people are f*cking retarded! You deserve to be sacrificed and thrown into the fire you dirty pieces of white trailer trash sh*t. Sorry to hear that your moms didn’t give you enough hugs as children. [Watch the language. Site administrator]

    • wdon327393 says:

      Tara, how true. This band grew up in Kings Nose, NJ and believe me, I’m not surprised that they would do something like this. It’s awful. I trust the authorities will stop them. At least I hope so.

    • Walter S. says:

      Hey, just because I live in a trailer don’t give you the rite to talk trash about me, lady. This is just another case of some liberal moron trying to dishonor honest, hard-working people like me. Tara, you and the liberal elite just don’t get it. I suppose you want the government to stop this concert, don’t you? Sure, let’s have a police state. I’m sure that would suit your agenda!!!

  5. Rita says:

    The virgins will die of starvation before they die from any flames.

    • E. J. Smith says:

      You’re right. I don’t think the band has thought this through very well. But then again, this band has never been much for brains.

  6. Mary Leam says:

    You can bet the residents of Centralia past and present will be there to stop this concert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is completely disrespectful to our town and I for one will be there to put a stop to this kind of nonsense

    • Minerboy47 says:

      I had to move out of Centralia in the 1980s. They can do whatever they want to that place as far as I’m concerned. That being said, I doubt this band will be able to put this concert on.

  7. Marty Toevast says:

    Tesla doesn’t mention on their website that they’re doing this concert. Is it supposed to be a secret maybe? It would be cool if they opened for the Ass Clowns although I think the Ass Clowns have always overshadowed them talent-wise.

  8. Vinnie from Queens says:

    This concert restores my faith in rock and roll. Not only are these guys playing in an awesome location (above a coal fire–how cool is that?), they’re also sacrificing naked virgins. I told my girlfriend and she can’t wait to go. She said she wants to throw rotten tomatoes at the virgins as they burn up. She’s so friggin’ awesome.

    • Sister Anne says:

      I don’t see why these girls need to die for rock and roll. Seems a bit much. Still, I’m going. When they start screaming, I’m going to laugh and laugh at them.

  9. Beatrice says:

    This is horrible. How could any self-respecting heavy metal band want to do this? I hope this is stopped by the police or something.

    • American Family Association member says:

      We have always said rock and roll is satanic and I think this concert certainly proves it. Killing virgins… seriously? And do they have to be naked? Do people get some kind of thrill from watching these young women with supple breasts burned to a crisp? I will attend this concert and do everything in my power to keep these luscious young ladies from being sacrificed. I will.

      • Netro Bingwhore says:

        If you don’t like seeing virgins killed at a concert, don’t go. It’s that simple!

  10. ndke2922 says:

    I’m so there. Should be great. I’ve never seen virgins sacrificed or attended a concert over top of an active coal fire. Should be amazing.

    • Remo says:

      I think this concert will be good for Centralia’s economy. Wait, they don’t have an economy. There’s only about four houses still standing.