Legendary band The No Talent Ass Clowns have something new for an upcoming concert–they plan to sacrifice five virgins live.
“Yeah, we’re f-ing doin’ it!” said controversial front man Lars Gunblade during an interview with Rock Wasteland magazine. “Five virgins will be sacrificed to the Gods of Rock live on stage. It’s going to be awesome. And naturally, they’ll be naked when it happens. Otherwise, what’s the point?”
Apparently the band had thought of this idea many years ago. “We would bring some virgins out of the audience and take them backstage,” said Gunblade. “Unfortunately, they wouldn’t be virgins a few minutes later so the whole idea kinda failed. Every time we tried, boom, no longer virgins. Finally, we decided we had to be a bit more disciplined than that.”
Gunblade was uncertain how they would be sacrificed. “We thought about having them jump into a wood chipper but we can’t have blood spraying everywhere cause that would mess up our super expensive clothes. Our new bass player Carnage Smith suggested electrocution and we’re seriously considering it. Several of our groupies thought it sounded like a good way to buy it. Then as they’re gettin’ zapped, we can shout out to the audience, ‘Feel the power of rock, baby!’ You know, something cool like that.”
When asked about the legality of killing five virgins onstage, Gunblade was cautious. “The cops would probably frown on this so we gotta keep it on the down-low until the show. Maybe it will be at Consumption Auditorium… but maybe not.”