Rock Wasteland Magazine - January 2011

Gunblade: "We're doin' it!"

Legendary band The No Talent Ass Clowns have something new for an upcoming concert–they plan to sacrifice five virgins live.

“Yeah,  we’re f-ing doin’ it!” said controversial front man Lars Gunblade during an interview with Rock Wasteland magazine. “Five virgins will be sacrificed to the Gods of Rock live on stage. It’s going to be awesome. And naturally, they’ll be naked when it happens. Otherwise, what’s the point?”

Apparently the band had thought of this idea many years ago. “We would bring some virgins out of the audience and take them backstage,” said Gunblade. “Unfortunately, they wouldn’t be virgins a few minutes later so the whole idea kinda failed. Every time we tried, boom, no longer virgins. Finally, we decided we had to be a bit more disciplined than that.”

Gunblade was uncertain how they would be sacrificed. “We thought about having them jump into a wood chipper but we can’t have blood spraying everywhere cause that would mess up our super expensive clothes. Our new bass player Carnage Smith suggested electrocution and we’re seriously considering it. Several of our groupies thought it sounded like a good way to buy it. Then as they’re gettin’ zapped, we can shout out to the audience, ‘Feel the power of rock, baby!’ You know, something cool like that.”

When asked about the legality of killing five virgins onstage, Gunblade was  cautious. “The cops would probably frown on this so we gotta keep it on the down-low until the show. Maybe it will be at Consumption Auditorium… but maybe not.”


  1. Ronald J. McMasters III, Montana says:

    My girlfriend, Deb, is a groupie with The No Talent Ass Clowns. They had a big orgy last night and while the entire band gave it to her over and over, they discussed the concert where they’re going to sacrifice the virgins onstage. She said that they are definitely going to have the show in Centralia, PA sometime this summer.

    She can barely walk today but getting this information was well worth it. At least I think so. Deb has been having some self-esteem issues lately and I don’t know what that’s all about.

    • Axeman2948 says:

      Gave what to her over and over? And why can’t she walk today? Did the band beat her up? Can u be more clear!

  2. Father G. says:

    I haven’t been to a rock concert in many years but this is just the sort of thing that makes me want to go again. Too many shows these days are slickly-produced but shallow. Killing these virgins onstage would really bring some excitement back to concerts again so I’m all for it. BTW, roasting the virgins alive would be dramatic but that’s just my two cents. And use indirect fire so they’ll last longer and scream louder. Just sayin’.

    • Buford Picklefeather says:

      The Ass Clowns need to have this concert in Centralia, PA. That’s the abandoned town that has had an underground coal fire going on since the 1960s.

      I think these virgins should be sacrificed there. Throw them into one of the open, steaming fissures in the ground and burn ’em up that way. I think that would be pretty exciting.

      • Buford,

        Your suggestion for a Centralia concert was forwarded to the band and they love it. Lars, in particular, was really into the idea of tossing the girls into one of the places where the road is ripped open and steam is pouring out. If they pick Centralia, PA for the virgin sacrifices, you can expect a set of free tickets coming your way.

        Keep rockin’.

        • Buford Picklefeather says:

          Thanks, but I’d rather have an affair with one or more of the virgins picked for the concert.

          • Larry Booth says:

            Sounds like a great place for a concert where virgins are going to be sacrificed. I’d go.

  3. Kim M. says:

    I’m an 18-year-old virgin and I’d love to be sacrificed onstage at a No Talent Ass Clowns concert. But I want to go violently and slowly… with lots of sinew flying everywhere and making people in the front rows throw up. I’d like to send the band my suggestions for how to “off” me. It’s the least I can do for the Gods of Rock–to which I owe my allegiance.

    • JT says:

      Dear Kim M (if that is your real name),

      This event will not happen. I am well-connected with police enforcement and we will make certain nothing like this occurs. Mass murder at a concert is simply not acceptable. However, if the promoters for this concert saw fit to make a contribution to the police national benevolence fund, I’m sure the whole thing could be conveniently overlooked.

  4. JR427 says:

    Virgin sacrifices to the Gods Of Rock?

    I think I like these guys, whoever they are!

  5. Nick Ray Tummo says:

    This appalling and disgusting. What kind of world have we come to when something like this can happen? That being said, I hope I can get tickets for this show when it happens.

    • WaltherPPK says:

      Give me a break. Your the guy into “ass clowning” cars, you sick f*ck. You got my car once outside Consumption Auditorium. Had to sell it cause I couldn’t get out the shit smell.

  6. Sister Mary Theresa says:

    I would pay any amount of money to see this as long as I knew the virgins wouldn’t be hurt in any way.

  7. dc727 says:

    I am repulsed yet oddly excited.