Legendary rockers The No Talent Ass Clowns say their free concert in the abandoned town of Centralia, PA on August 11 where they will sacrifice five virgins onstage could draw 200 concertgoers. “Hell, yeah!” said drummer Joey Van Dundro, “With social media, word about this free concert has spread like wildfire. The whole virgin sacrifice thing has people really interested. This could be bigger than the original Woodstock.”
The band chose Centralia due to its unusual history. A coal fire has burned beneath the town since the 1960s. The former mining town is now virtually abandoned with nearly all its buildings gone. The Ass Clowns decided that Centralia’s lack of a police force made it a perfect place to have a free concert and have live sacrifices. “We couldn’t pull this off any place else,” said bass player Carnage Smith. “Human sacrifices are generally frowned upon.”
The idea of sacrificing virgins during a rock concert by tossing them into the smoking fissures in the ground has met with a blizzard of angry Tweets and Facebook comments. “The band has gotten more hate mail than usual about this concert,” said band manager Jerry Gold. “Residents from towns near Centralia seem unset with the band. At least one individual in nearby Shamokin, PA is now under constant police surveillance after a particularly threatening email was received by the band on Sunday night.
The band is busy trying to select five virgins for the concert. “Apparently, none of the applicants are willing to do it naked,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “I can respect that. So we’ll go with clothed virgins. Also, we’re having difficulty finding actual virgins so that requirement may have to go down the proverbial toilet as well. It’s disappointing, sure, but the show must go on, right? We gotta keep rockin’.”
UPDATE: The rumor that Tesla would open the concert appears completely unfounded. In a press release, the 80’s band said that they already are booked on August 11 and also that they had never heard of The No Talent Ass Clowns.
Follow the band on Twitter: (@notalentass)