The No Talent Ass Clowns

“Could be bigger than Woodstock,” says band

Legendary rockers The No Talent Ass Clowns say their free concert in the abandoned town of Centralia, PA on August 11 where they will sacrifice five virgins onstage could draw 200 concertgoers. “Hell, yeah!” said drummer Joey Van Dundro, “With social media, word about this free concert has spread like wildfire. The whole virgin sacrifice thing has people really interested. This could be bigger than the original Woodstock.”

The band chose Centralia due to its unusual history. A coal fire has burned beneath the town since the 1960s. The former mining town is now virtually abandoned with nearly all its buildings gone. The Ass Clowns decided that Centralia’s lack of a police force made it a perfect place to have a free concert and have live sacrifices. “We couldn’t pull this off any place else,” said bass player Carnage Smith. “Human sacrifices are generally frowned upon.”

The idea of sacrificing virgins during a rock concert by tossing them into the smoking fissures in the ground has met with a blizzard of angry Tweets and Facebook comments. “The band has gotten more hate mail than usual about this concert,” said band manager Jerry Gold. “Residents from towns near Centralia seem unset with the band. At least one individual in nearby Shamokin, PA is now under constant police surveillance after a particularly threatening email was received by the band on Sunday night.

The band is busy trying to select five virgins for the concert. “Apparently, none of the applicants are willing to do it naked,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “I can respect that. So we’ll go with clothed virgins. Also, we’re having difficulty finding actual virgins so that requirement may have to go down the proverbial toilet as well. It’s disappointing, sure, but the show must go on, right? We gotta keep rockin’.”

UPDATE: The rumor that Tesla would open the concert appears completely unfounded. In a press release, the 80’s band said that they already are booked on August 11 and also that they had never heard of The No Talent Ass Clowns.

Follow the band on Twitter: (@notalentass)


  1. Joe Bunky says:

    Heard about this on my local radio station here in Boston. Sounds like a wicked good road trip to me.

  2. A. Radley says:

    Way to go. Let’s disgrace the memory of this sad town with a disgusting concert by some worthless band no one ever heard of. There’s no way they’re going to sacrifice virgins. That’s just some dumb publicity stunt dreamed up by their record company, I’m assuming. I have better things to do with my time.

  3. Axel H. says:

    Does this crappy band really think 200,000 people will come to see them? Hmmm…. NO! The No Talent Ass Clowns are totally a D-List band in the heavy metal community. No one takes them seriously. Guitarist Vas Defrens is the closest thing to real talent in the band but as long as he is forced to play songs like “Blow Chunks Ballet” it’s hard to give the dude any props.

    I’m not going to this Centralia concert. I’m not wasting my time with these a-holes.

  4. Malcom F. says:

    I cannot express how offended I am by this filth. The internet should be eliminated so that junk like this cannot be seen. Appalling. I’m going to notify the police to put a stop to this. And what about those damned kids on my lawn? Who’s going to do something about that?

  5. person of interest says:

    I’ve never heard of this band. They look pretty stupid.

    I gave a listen to their “Blow Chunks Ballet” video and it’s sort of catchy.

  6. Harold says:

    Having a free concert in Centralia is insane. Sure, there’s plenty of open space now that the houses are almost all gone but those fumes are NASTY. And there’s no way the virgins will burn up in those smoking fissures. Did anyone planning the concert think this through AT ALL? I don’t think so.

  7. Log-Jammin-2012 says:

    Most of my dorm is going to this concert. We can’t wait. It doesn’t really matter if we mess the place up, know what I mean? That’s nothing there. It’s too bad there isn’t a way to make big huge plumes of fire come out of the ground in places. Just seeing a few trickles of smoke is a little zzzzzz.

    • Ass Clown Fan #268 says:

      Always been a fan of the Ass Clowns’ high voltage rock. This concert sounds cool. Kind of sorry the virgins won’t be naked when they’re sacrificed but what are you going to do?

      • biff tone 57 says:

        Been reading up on Centralia. Sounds cool… actually hot, get it? 🙂

        I’m hoping to make sweet love in one of those smoking fissures near South Street after the concert. My girlfriend and I may have to wear gas masks if we want to take our time doing the deed. I was a boy scout. I’m always prepared.

  8. Floyd L. says:

    Love the idea? Frankly, I’m disgusted. What ever happening to traditional values when it comes to rock concerts? Rock concerts back in my day in the late 60s were about getting high and getting laid. Oh, those were such sweet, innocent times. These modern bands are trash.

  9. TonyT3749 says:

    This concert will never happen. I talked to a cop in Wilkes-Barre and he said the police will be there to stop something insane like this from happening. Which is too bad. I’d like to go.