Lars Gunblade at Consumption Auditorium

Lars Gunblade at Consumption Auditorium

It’s a fairly typical story. A rabid No Talent Ass Clowns fan in Haney, Canada logged onto the Ass Clowns website on April 6 and spent 31 minutes reading page after page of content about the legendary band and its exploits. What’s not so typical is that just a month later, the Ass Clowns played to a sell-out crowd at the city’s Nudist Days Festival in Pitt Meadows Athletic Park. It’s all part of the band’s tour strategy.

“If you spend more than 20 minutes on the band’s website,” explained front man Lars Gunblade, “we’re gonna play a concert date in your town and I’m not bullshitting here. In addition, we’ll be sampling the local girls backstage. It’s a win-win situation for the band and our fans… although A LOT more so for us.”


  1. Nick from Nottingham, UK says:

    I spend a lot of time on this site on my days off from my aunt’s pig farm. I’ll make my plans now for an Ass Clowns concert.

  2. rfk19702 says:

    I never heard of this band but they look like total losers. I mean really pathetic losers.

    • T-Bone says:

      Dear rfk19702,

      I have requested your IP address from the site administrator and I will burn down your house at approximately 10 pm tonight EST. It’s nothing personal. It’s just that you dissed The No Talent Ass Clowns. I can’t allow that.

      • Site Administrator says:


        Normally I wouldn’t do this but I see why you want to be proactive. I checked the dude’s hometown news website and bam, I saw that his house went up like a paint factory. Well done, sir. The band will be proud.

  3. Bruce from Brisbane, Australia says:

    These bastards played in my town, probably because I go to their web site so frequently. After seeing their concert, I honestly wish I had never been to this website or heard of this band. I’m just trying to put my shattered life back together after the Ass Clowns “concert” and it’s not easy.

    • John Graves Simcoe says:

      I hear you, Bruce. I went to this concert in Haney last week. The band members were falling down drunk and sounded like shit, the sound was terrible and there were no toilets of any kind. Everyone just took a wizz or a dump where they were sitting. The only good part was all the open fornicating in the infield. Of course, listening to the music would easily kill your woodie if you paid any attention to it. Now it’s a week later and I’ve got some kind of social disease, I’m pretty sure. In the end, going to see The Ass Clowns was kind of a mixed bag.

  4. andre says:

    yo, ass clowns, i live in compton. you comin here? you wouldn’t make it through yur first song, bitches.

  5. Ass Clowns Fan #1 says:

    this story is total bullshit. i have spend 40 to 50 hours a week on this website, i have written highly threatening letters to the band and demanded they play my city or else and guess what? they haven’t come. not once. last night i took the wax figures i had made of the band and melted them down completely. i’m going to send the band a video of it. maybe that’ll make them listen.

    • Lew Flapp says:

      I can’t imagine why the band wouldn’t come to your town… you sound so normal.

  6. Walter S. says:

    I am a d-bag but still want to comment here.

  7. Candi says:

    I plan to spend 24 hours on the website. And if the band is reading this, you’ll be seeing me backstage totally naked!