“The First To Die,” the first feature film by The No Talent Ass Clowns is due for Christmas 2016 release. The first trailer for the movie released on Friday promises something, that’s for sure.

Originally slated for a Christmas 2015 release, “The First To Die” was held back while more than 20 minutes of unsimulated sex scenes had to be removed from the film. Singer Lars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens are reportedly furious at the cuts but have relented.

According to director and Ass Clowns manager Jerry Gold, “Yeah, all of that stuff wound up on the editing room floor. It’s a pretty hot scene of Lars and Vas banging co-star Trixie Beaumont in every possible position. But it just goes on and on and doesn’t advance the story one bit. So it obviously had to go. Lars and Vas aren’t happy about it. They put the scenes back in and then I took them right out again.”

Trixie Beaumont, international porn star and wife of Vas Defrens, is saddened by the cuts. “It’s a really great scene. Very much up to par with scenes we normally do in my adult videos. This is just another example of a prudish industry that doesn’t want to give the public what it wants. And believe me, what the public wants in movies is tons and tons of hardcore sex.”

“Putting bands in movies first started paying off big time in the 60s,” says Gold. “The Beatles did ‘A Hard Days Night‘ and Herman’s Hermits did ‘Hold On!‘ and crap films like that. We’re upping the game. This movie grabs the Hollywood establishment by the balls and doesn’t let go.”

Gunblade and Defrens Insist Film is Incredible

The First To Die

Original pre-release poster

“It’s still a great film, even without the explicit sex scenes with Trixie,” says Gunblade. “This blows away any film ever done by a rock band. Vas and I are absolutely incredible from the very first scene on. Everybody thinks The Beatles were great in ‘A Hard Days Night’ but that’s nothing compared to this. Nothing. We’re going to win a bunch of Oscars with this movie. We’re already working on paying off members of the Academy to make sure it happens.”

“I liked it,” says Defrens. “Although I was wasted when I saw it so don’t go with my opinion. And as far as that explicit sex scene, well, it was good, sweaty, bodyslammin’ stuff. Why there aren’t explicit sex scenes in all feature films I don’t know. They should be in every feature film, yeah, definitely. What’s the big deal?”

“The First To Die” is a taunt cop thriller according to a press release from the band. However, a bootlegged copy of the film has been seen by a few industry insiders who insist it’s terrible beyond belief. What’s the real story? The world will find out in six months.


  1. Gene S. says:

    Here’s my review:

  2. Axeman 16 says:

    This trailer doesn’t show anything, man. Ripoff.

  3. Smeagol says:

    We hates this trailer. And we hates this band. Lars and Vas. Lars and Vas. A tasty morsel they would make for us.

  4. Alan Smithee says:

    The trailer doesn’t show shit. Typical Hollywood bullshit.

  5. Michael Burgess says:

    As long as the movie defies authority, blows things up and takes people’s clothes off, I’ll watch it.

  6. Rex R. says:

    I laughed. I cried. It’s the feel-good trailer of the summer. A triumph of the human spirit.

  7. Creme Da Mint says:

    Never heard of this band. Why would anyone put them in a movie? They look like assholes.

  8. Charles D. says:

    I’d see this movie if a luncheon is provided. I must be fed or else I stay at home.

  9. Danny Fructose 157 says:

    “The First To Die” sounds like it could be a heart-pounding drama filled with gut-busting action and nail-biting suspense. Who am I kidding? I’m sure this movie sucks from the first reel to the last.

  10. Bilchek Silbo says:

    “The First To Die” trailer is typical of trailers these days. I’ll bet this movie is total shit. And for the record, I’ve never hear of this band or these two musicians.

  11. Johnny J. says:

    I would force my victims to watch this movie while they wait for the release of death. I just hope they don’t tack on some romantic subplot that feels very forced.

  12. The REAL Hammer says:

    I might keep this movie on in the background while I make sweet love to my neighbor’s wife but that’s about it.

  13. Roderick Usher says:

    If I didn’t have to pay for it, I’d definitely go see this movie.