The First To DieWith rumors swirling in the Hollywood trade papers about a No Talent Ass Clowns movie, front man Lars Gunblade confirmed the band would appear in a movie to be released this Christmas. Entitled The First to Die, the cop thriller stars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens and the rest of the band in smaller roles.

Written and directed by The No Talent Ass Clowns manager, Jerry GoldThe First to Die tells the story of two misunderstood maverick cops who have to dispose of a jay-walking victim they’ve killed because they were bored and under the influence.

“The audience will really root for these two cops,” says Gold. “They’re total underdogs. They’re not at all likeable and that’s what makes them likeable. See what a great screenwriter I am? And I have to say that Lars and Vas are more or less adequate in their roles after some very careful editing.”

“Yeah, I’m the star,” said Gunblade during a press conference. “I’m pretty friggin’ awesome in this thing. Let me tell you, I wanted to go to bed with me after seeing some of my scenes in the dailies. I was made for the big screen. Seriously, check me out!”

The First to Die was in danger of receiving a NC-17 due to Gunblade’s and Defren’s insistence that their sex scene with costar Trixie Beaumont not be simulated. Beamount, an adult video star, had no problem filming the scenes with the two rock superstars.

“It was easy,” said Beaumont from the set of her newest adult film, Ass Me Why. “It wasn’t anything that hasn’t happened a thousand times backstage after a No Talent Ass Clowns show. At least this time it was just the two of them.”

Eventually, the explicit footage was removed when Gold convinced his stars that the scene slowed the movie down too much. “Christ, it was ridiculous! The scene with Lars and Vas doin’ Trixie lasted more than 20 goddamned minutes. I gave them the footage and they seemed happy knowing they could watch it at home all they wanted. Problem solved.”

The First to Die is expected to break box offices records if it gets released, according to Jerry Gold. “This is a great, great movie and the public better come out to see it. If they don’t, they’re retarded. With all due respect to retarded people.”

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Vas Defrens' No Food Diet

  1. Larry Parnes says:

    See that banner ad for Vas Defens’ No Food on this post? Don’t try it, comrades!! They had to restart my heart after I lost 700 pounds. I was down to 50 pounds. True story. Defrens’ No Food Diet will mess you up!

    • Bill Harry says:

      Yeah, I’m in the hospital right now recovering. Vas’ diet is stupid. Doctor said I’m lucky to be alive. That being said, I’ll try it again when I get home. Maybe I was doing it wrong. Go Vas!

  2. Afghanistan Bananastand says:

    I would seriously consider illegally downloading this when it comes out.

  3. Classy Manchild 157 says:

    As interesting as “The First to Die” sounds, I’m reminded of the fact that I made 50K last year working from home. Sound good? Then visit this web site [Site Moderator: No, you’re not spamming here, you piece of shit]. Yeah, Lars and Vas are interesting but what’s more interesting is that [Site Moderator: that’s it, you’re banned from this site] and I only need to be tested for HIV once a month.

  4. Miles Standish says:

    So this is what passes for movies these days? Washed up rock music morons starring in some low-budget piece of shit that no studio in its right mind should have given the green light to? I mean, yeah, I’ll watch it but I’m really saddened just thinking what a waste of film “The First to Die” will undoubtedly be. And a soundtrack dominated by the No Talent Ass Clowns? Excuse me while I hurl all over my new laminate floor.

    • AK47-MST3K says:

      You’re full of shit, dickweed! I was the dolly grip on “The First to Die” and it’s a great movie. It was a real labor of love for everybody that worked on it. Nobody on the crew got paid. At least not in cash. But let me tell you, an endless supply of hookers goes a long way as compensation as far as I’m concerned.

      • Trent Dongberry says:

        Lucky bastard! I’m newly married and getting it all the time but I’d still rather be doing hookers 24/7.

  5. T-Bone says:

    Guess I’ll have to wait until it comes out on blu-ray. They don’t let you out of prison to go watch movies.

    Sounds promising though. Can’t wait to see it. It sounds like it won’t be good. At least I hope not.

  6. Dominatrix Donald says:

    The First to Die sounds like a very great film. I want to see when it comes out. The story sounds fascinating. I’ve always been a big fan of police brutality. Totally.

    • Walter S. says:

      I was beaten by cops a few years ago. I too like watching people get beat up by cops in movies.