What happens when a rock band sells its soul to the devil but fails to be impressed with Lucifer?

Rockers Lars Gunblade and Vas Defrens of The No Talent Ass Clowns recently revealed that they made a deal with the devil to make it as a band. Yet the meeting with Lucifer wasn’t what they thought it would be.

“I’m disappointed,” says Lars Gunblade. “Satan completely failed to make an impression on me. He wasn’t intimidating. He wasn’t scary. I did find him vaguely annoying but that’s about it. I mean, first of all, he was still bitter about being cast out of heaven. Now you’d think after all this time that he would have come to grips with that.  Yeah, think again! Vas and I had to sit there as he rehashed all of this shit from like forever ago. He was amazingly insecure. I could tell he was fishing for compliments from us but we weren’t playing along. I think that pissed him off a lot.”

“Satan and I hit it off a little more than Lars did,” says Vas Defrens. “I mean, Satan was totally into analog recording and he really likes its warmth. I’m sure that when a rock band sells its soul to the devil, there are going to be consequences. I can live with that because Lucifer is kind of cool actually.”

“The paper work was a joke,” says Gunblade. “Our attorney assures us that the wording is vague and won’t hold up in any court. Sounds good to me. I figure it’s the ultimate joke when we check out and we don’t honor the contract. When you can screw over the devil, now that’s anarchy, bitch!”

“I was a little nervous about all of this,” says Ass Clowns Manager Jerry Gold. “When a rock band sells its soul to the devil, that can look really bad in the press. People can easily get the wrong idea. As it is, I’m still handling fallout from those people that Lars killed when he tased them. Perhaps it would be best if you didn’t print this.”


  1. Kaiser Wilheim says:

    If great music comes out of this arrangement, why not? Now I’m just waiting for that great music to show up because it definitely hasn’t so far. I really hate “I Finished, Now Get Out” and that whole album. Sucks ass.

    • Roderick Usher says:

      I like that song. Lars totally speaks for me. The Ass Clowns music is pretty much the soundtrack of my life.

  2. Handy Random says:

    How is this news? Every band does this, don’t they? Come on, Jughead, we’re out of here!

  3. Eda L. Worthington says:

    This rock and roll band represents everything that is wrong with this country. May the souls of Lars Gunblade and Vas Defrens burn in hell for all eternity. I have told my minister about this website and we are going to see if we can have it taken down permanantly. This is disgraceful.

    • T-Bone says:

      I’m guessing you haven’t had sex since 1962. Am I right or am I right?

      • Danger Dave D. says:

        I banged Eda in a bathroom during an Aerosmith concert in 1975. And she eagerly took it both ways. She was a total sexual animal back then. I don’t know what happened.

        • Eda L. Worthington says:

          How dare you say such things to me! I’ve never been so insulted in all my life. I hope you both get some horrible disease and die screaming your heads off in pain.

          • Tre Savage says:

            That’s telling them, Eda! By the way, where do you want me to post the photos of us screwing during an outdoor Sabbath concert in ’76?

  4. Sister Mary Contrary says:

    I would consider saying a prayer for this band but they clearly aren’t worth it.

  5. The REAL Hammer says:

    This band is headed to hell… but I guess that’s what they want so who am I to judge?