Express Elevator To Hell

Best Ass Clowns CD Ever?

With their controversial concert in Centralia, PA fast approaching, The No Talent Ass Clowns have released their newest CD entitled Express Elevator To Hell. According to industry insiders, the band is especially excited by their latest CD and believe this may the CD that finally breaks into the top 10,000 on the charts.

“This is our best album yet,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “We spend days recording it and mixing it. It was definitely a labor of love. We knew as soon as we put down the overdubs for the final song,¬†A Little Ass Music, that this would be the album that we wanted to be remembered for.” In fact, for weeks the name of the CD was rumored to be A Little Ass Music.

Getting a lot of attention is the track Burn You To A Crisp, which is rumored to be a big part of their Centralia, PA free concert on August 11. “Yeah, we’re gonna be playin’ that when we sacrifice the virgins,” said drummer Joey Van Dundro. “That’s assuming the protesters don’t shut us down, of course.”

The band is under a cloud of controversy with the Centralia concert with scores of citizens in nearby towns vowing to keep it from happening. “They can’t stop us,” says Gunblade. “If we want to have a concert on top of an active coal fire, we’re doin’ it. If we want to sacrifice virgins during the finale, we’re doin’ it.”

The band has remained silent on the exact time and location of the concert. “We’ll tweet that at the last minute. No one stops this concert! We are invincible.” said Gunblade with a grin.


  1. Phillip Traum says:

    I can’t find this CD in stores or online. What’s going on???

    • Johnny G. says:

      Send me cash and I’ll get the CD to you.

      • Wilford B. Worthington III says:

        Johnny G. lies. He won’t get the CD to you. On the other hand, I WILL. However, I require a $50 fee for insurance and an extended warranty on the disc. Believe me, it’s well worth it. Cash only please.

  2. name withheld says:

    A few months ago, I drove to the site where this band was supposed to play. They weren’t there. In fact, the venue had never even heard of the No Talent Ass Clowns. They made fun of me and that made me angry. I went back to that building the following day and now there’s no venue there. Those people played with fire and got burned… in this case, literally.

  3. Spider Monkey 557 says:

    I plan to be drunker than I’ve ever been at this Centralia concert. Can’t wait to wizz in those cracks in the pavement. Gods of Rock, we salute you.

    • Thunder King says:

      I hear you, man. Sounds like a good time. I’m curious about the whole virgin sacrifice thing. Sounds good but what’s really going to happen???

  4. Sir Reverance says:

    I don’t anything about this band but they make me sick. People lost their homes in Centralia PA and they want to turn the whole place into some kind of sick theater for a third-rate heavy metal concert? Virgin sacrifices? Really? Are they going to fake the sacrifices and play it up as real? How stupid. I could blow chunks right now just thinking about it.

    This band and others like them are killing rock and rock.

    • The REAL Hammer says:

      Been a fan for years. You don’t know what you’re talking about, ass hat.

      • Sir Reverance says:


        What? I don’t agree with you and now I’m an ass hat? This band is a joke. Another horrible heavy metal band. If I had a girlfriend who forced me to listen to them every time we did it, I’d avoid having sex with her. That’s sick.

        • The REAL Hammer says:

          Sir Reverance,

          You had a weird username so I looked it up online. Sir Reverance is 18th century slang for shit. Yeah, that sounds about rite!

  5. Friend of Centralia says:

    How dare you come to Centralia and disgrace it just so that you can sell your horrible CD? I won’t be buying this trash and you WON’T ever put this Centralia concert on! I guarantee it.

  6. T-Bone says:

    Picked it up this morning. Why is this thing in mono? And why are all the songs about a minute long? The whole thing is only 11 minutes long.