Comments Off on Virgins Selected For Sacrifice at Centralia PA Concert

Legendary rockers The No Talent Ass Clowns announced the five girls who will be sacrificed as virgins at the conclusion of their controversial free concert in Centralia, PA on August 11.  Chosen from dozens of applicants, the girls are scheduled to be consumed in flames while the band performs their new song, Burn You To A Crisp from their latest CD Express Elevator To Hell.

  1. Candi R., 20 (Brisbane, Australia). Candi wants to be the first to be sacrificed. “This works out really well,” says Candi. “I didn’t want to go back to college in the fall so now I can be famous and avoid deciding on a major. That’s so cool.”
  2. Debbie D., 19 (Haney, Canada). Debbie freely admits she’s a virgin in name only. “It’s all in the mind,” says Debbie. “My boyfriend is really psyched about the whole thing and doesn’t think I’ll go through with it. I’ll show him. He promises to taunt me when I’m in my death throes.”
  3. Kelly J., 24 (Grand Prairie, TX). “I’ll be so drunk that I won’t feel anything,” says Kelly. “My God, I’d never do this sober. That would be crazy.”
  4. Laurie Q., 20 (Eau Claire, Wisconsin). “I expect to get a modeling contract after this,” says Laurie. “Of course, I’ll be dead but it’s just the idea that counts.”
  5. Holly Z., 18 (Shamokin, PA). “This should be awesome,” says Holly. “I know I’m going to die and all but at least I’ll be famous. That’s the main thing.”

The band has stated that each “virgin” will be tossed into the steaming fissures that are a result of the active underground coal fire that caused the town to be abandoned and its buildings razed. “I figure the kind of people that wanted to see witches burn in the middle ages are the kind of people that will show up for our concert,” said front man Lars Gunblade.