The No Talent Ass Clowns Tour Van

Ass Clowns Tour Van Empty. Tour manager and roadie missing.

A tour van that had traveled to Centralia, PA over the weekend to prepare for a free No Talent Ass Clowns concert on August 11 was found empty about 80 miles from the deserted town famous for its underground coal fire. A search has provided no clues to the whereabouts of the occupants of the tour van.

Missing was legendary Ass Clowns roadie “Rando” Miller and the band’s infamous manager, Jerry Gold. A police officer who declined to identify himself said that there was nothing in the van except “a lot of porn, some used condoms, several video cameras, bags of pot and the addresses of young women in the general vicinity of Centralia.”

The disappearance of the two men follows days of tension with area residents who have vowed to stop the concert by any means possible. “I hope they find his ass,” said band front man Lars Gunblade. “If something happens to Jerry, I don’t know how we’re going to function as a band. We depend on Jerry to pay off the cops when we get arrested, which is frequently.”

When asked if Gold’s disappearance would affect the free concert on Saturday in Centralia, Gunblade was blunt. “The concert is happening. Don’t care if they find Jerry in pieces in a dumpster. Concert is happening, man.”


  1. joe bunky says:

    i don’t care what happens to these guys. this concert better happen. i paid $2,000 bucks for tickets and i was pissed when i found out the concert was actually FREE.

    anybody wanna buy this tickets off me? You can have ’em cheap.

  2. Name witheld says:

    These guys got what they deserved. Good riddance. And you’ll be interested to know they begged for their lives like cowards right at the end. How sad for them.

    • Name witheld,

      Your joke isn’t funny. Jerry and Rando are good friends of this blog. Please keep comments like this off of here. You’ve been warned. I have your IP address. If something happens to Jerry and Rando, I will be sending your message to the authorities. For your sake, you better hope they’re OK.

  3. Jimmy J. says:

    Let’s all pray for Jerry and Rando’s safe return. They’re both a big part of why The No Talent Ass Clowns are such a great live band. Saw them at Consumption Auditorium earlier this year and they were amazing. My girlfriend broke up with me and had sex with the guy sitting behind us while I was forced to witness but the concert itself was unbelievable.

  4. Rachel Crofton says:

    If you choose to stay, you do so as uninvited and unwelcome intruders.

    *ATTENTION:This concert is not endorsed by the city of Centralia.

    • Death From Above LOL says:

      You sound like my parents. Piss off, granny!

      Party on at Centralia, dudes. By this time Saturday, I’ll be on the ground, drunk, naked and doing it with some chick I met two minutes before while listening to the latest Ass Clowns tunes. That may not be in keeping with my years of seminary training but so be it!

    • RTF717 says:

      Something like this was bound to happen. I live very near Centralia and I can tell you that people are very angry about this concert. Tempers are flaring. I’m afraid these two men may be dead in a shallow grave covered in quick lime.

    • Mike R. says:

      Hey, Rachel,

      You sound like you could stand to get laid. Drop by the concert on Saturday. I’m sure somebody will “do” you unless you’re really, really ugly or something.

    • Mrs. Edith K. says:

      Here, Here! This concert will never take place. That’s a promise from our group of concerned local citizens. This band and what it represents is something absolutely awful. We cannot allow such perverts to compromise our values. There concert would be a disaster for Central PA and the bad effects would be felt for decades, perhaps even 10 years.

  5. Nikki says:

    They better not cancel the concert. It’s gonna be a big mass grope from what I hear.

  6. Meat Pants says:

    Somebody is making those two guys squeal like a pig, boy.

  7. Ramrod says:

    Sounds like the locals got them. Those guys are in a shallow grave outside Centralia, believe it.

    • Sporant 557 says:

      The blog didn’t say but I heard from a buddy of mine who knows a cop that they found the van near Ringtown and there was blood EVERYWHERE inside the van.