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The No Talent Ass Clowns Tour Van

Ass Clowns Tour Van Empty. Tour manager and roadie missing.

A tour van that had traveled to Centralia, PA over the weekend to prepare for a free No Talent Ass Clowns concert on August 11 was found empty about 80 miles from the deserted town famous for its underground coal fire. A search has provided no clues to the whereabouts of the occupants of the tour van.

Missing was legendary Ass Clowns roadie “Rando” Miller and the band’s infamous manager, Jerry Gold. A police officer who declined to identify himself said that there was nothing in the van except “a lot of porn, some used condoms, several video cameras, bags of pot and the addresses of young women in the general vicinity of Centralia.”

The disappearance of the two men follows days of tension with area residents who have vowed to stop the concert by any means possible. “I hope they find his ass,” said band front man Lars Gunblade. “If something happens to Jerry, I don’t know how we’re going to function as a band. We depend on Jerry to pay off the cops when we get arrested, which is frequently.”

When asked if Gold’s disappearance would affect the free concert on Saturday in Centralia, Gunblade was blunt. “The concert is happening. Don’t care if they find Jerry in pieces in a dumpster. Concert is happening, man.”