“Vampire kangaroos” and dozens of mangled human bodies are being reported in Australia this week. At first, Australian officials were clueless as to how normally docile kangaroos were transforming into vampire killers. Then, they had their answer and the blame points squarely at a famous heavy metal band.
In September, legendary rockers The No Talent Ass Clowns played a gig at nib Stadium in Perth, Australia. Flying east of Perth the next day in their famous tour blimp, the band dumped the entire smelly contents of its bathrooms on Darling Range, a reserve that contains a large number of kangaroos. Within a week, the mutated species was spotted, feasting on a family of dead picnickers in the park.
“This is shocking and we have this Ass Clowns band to thank for it,” said Constable Mickey Finn of Perth. “This band’s shit has turned these wonderful animals into horrible killers.”
“This is all a huge friggin’ lie,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “Our crap didn’t do this and even if it did, this is just Australia we’re talking about so come on, chill out.”
The band plans to play its remaining Australian tour dates despite the killings. “Maybe we’ll catch a few on these things and set ’em loose on the crowd,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “That would be cool. You know, all the screaming and stuff!”