Rock star Lars Gunblade was recently admitted to an unnamed depression clinic. Doctors worried that the infamous front man of The No Talent Ass Clowns showed no signs of depression whatsoever.
“It’s strange,” remarked Dr. Joseph Switalski of Johns Hopkins. “Rock star depression is rampant but Lars shows a complete lack of depression! Given his empty lifestyle of drugs, nameless sex with thousands of groupies and excessive alcohol consumption, most men wind up with severe depression symptoms. Lars actually seems to be thriving under these conditions. That concerned the doctors right away. We have been working with Lars to get him to realize his life is empty and devoid of love or caring. So far, that hasn’t worked but we’ll keep trying. We’re also attempting to instill depression by putting him on anti-depression meds, which is the best way to create and prolong depression that we know of.”
Gunblade seems unfazed by the experience. “I love my life. Every dude wants to be me. I want to be me!” said Gunblade as he groped several groupies in a therapy room at the facility. “Still, I suppose I could try to develop a little bit of regret for living like this but it just ain’t happenin’.”
The singer returns to The No Talent Ass Clowns tour today. He had a final thought about the facility that he shared with reporters as he boarded the band’s tour blimp. “In therapy, I’ve met some great messed up chicks. Let me tell you, they may be depressed but they’re great in the sack. It’s been a really good experience. I might come back when the tour’s over.”