Rock star Lars Gunblade was recently admitted to an unnamed depression clinic. Doctors worried that the infamous front man of The No Talent Ass Clowns showed no signs of depression whatsoever.

Lars at Consumption Auditorium

Lars Gunblade

“It’s strange,” remarked Dr. Joseph Switalski of Johns Hopkins. “Rock star depression is rampant but Lars shows a complete lack of depression! Given his empty lifestyle of drugs, nameless sex with thousands of groupies and excessive alcohol consumption, most men wind up with severe depression symptoms. Lars actually seems to be thriving under these conditions. That concerned the doctors right away. We have been working with Lars to get him to realize his life is empty and devoid of love or caring. So far, that hasn’t worked but we’ll keep trying. We’re also attempting to instill depression by putting him on anti-depression meds, which is the best way to create and prolong depression that we know of.”

Gunblade seems unfazed by the experience. “I love my life. Every dude wants to be me. I want to be me!” said Gunblade as he groped several groupies in a therapy room at the facility. “Still, I suppose I could try to develop a little bit of regret for living like this but it just ain’t happenin’.”

The singer returns to The No Talent Ass Clowns tour today. He had a final thought about the facility that he shared with reporters as he boarded the band’s tour blimp. “In therapy, I’ve met some great messed up chicks. Let me tell you, they may be depressed but they’re great in the sack. It’s been a really good experience. I might come back when the tour’s over.”

  1. Larry Booth says:

    I’m depressed that this shitty band is still together.

  2. Ada Jones says:

    I never heard of this fucking band! Who are they?

  3. Mrs. Gladys Z. Silverman III says:

    I wish to object in the strongest possible manner to this blog. I am a severely depressed woman and I am not great in the sack. Mr. Gunblade’s misrepresentation of depressed womens’ abilities in the bedroom is an insult to millions of women like me who prefer to pretty much draw the line at a quick hand job so they can get some sleep.

    • The REAL Hammer says:

      Gladys, would you come over to my house for an evening of loving? I promise there are lots of towels available. You can bring your husband if you want. He can watch and take pictures.

      • The REAL Hammer says:

        Gladys, last night was great. I didn’t know you’d be willing to do THAT! Most chicks tell me no.

        • Mrs. Gladys Z. Silverman III says:

          Oh, Hammer, I’m still a little sore and I can’t walk straight but it was worth it. No, I had never done that before although my husband has asked me many times. I must say that I liked it in a smutty kind of way. Luckily, I can’t get pregnant taking it that way. See you tonight. My husband has charged the batteries on the video camera.

          • The REAL Hammer says:

            Wow. Great time last night. Don’t worry about that… stuff. It sounds nicer when you call it “santorum.” BTW, ditch the husband tonight. He was giving me weird glances last night while he videotaped you and me. Sorry but I ain’t doing it with him.

            • ric says:

              Please, please, please DON’T give us any more details. Seriously, I thought I was going to hurl reading your weird fucking posts. Besides, this blog is about the band, not your weird anal adventures. From now on, please post messages about the band only. Do us all a favor!

  4. Randy says:

    I don’t know who this guy is but I think I’d like to have his lifestyle.

  5. Simon L. says:

    Stick it to the man, Lars! Ass Clowns rule.

    • Ron says:

      Ass Clowns don’t rule. They suck… ass.

      • Scorpio says:

        Ron, your an asshole! The No Talent Ass Clowns are incredible live. Shows what you know.

        • Ron says:


          Just so you know “your an asshole” is supposed to be written as “you’re an asshole”

          Guess English is your second language?

          • Scorpio says:

            Hey, Ron, I called you an asshole… because you are. Anybody who thinks the No Talent Ass Clowns suck ass is obviously a ‘tard. What do you listen to? What great musical shit-fest makes up your list of favorite bands?

  6. Sam Bass says:

    I’d be willing to risk depression for Lars’ lifestyle.

  7. Nick says:

    Depression is so sad.

  8. Spider says:

    Rock on, Lars. Don’t let ’em lay a guilt trip on you, man!