One thing you won’t hear at a No Talent Ass Clowns concert is someone saying, “Don’t tase me, bro!” Instead, front row concertgoers will be shouting for front man Lars Gunblade to tase them–repeatedly. Gunblade often tases dozens of concertgoers. At a concert last week during Historic Dildo Days in Dildo, Newfoundland, Gunblade reportedly tased one drunken patron 14 times. This individual, along with five others, died at the concert. The mayor of Dildo, Mickey Stubbs, was furious. “This is why we banned these guys last year. They cause problems.”
Gunblade, however, had no apologies. “Hey, this is what I do at our shows,” shouted Gunblade as he was taken into custody after the show. “I tase people because they want it. They beg me to tase them… chicks too. If a few people buy it because they have crappy hearts or something, that’s their problem.”
Gunblade’s tasing routine started in 1997 at Consumption Auditorium when he tased an unruly man trying to get onstage. “After that, I just started tasing people for kicks. It was great,” said Gunblade in a recent interview. As the years went by, tasing became a much-anticipated part of every Ass Clowns concert. In 2004, Gunblade had a guitar built with a taser in the neck so he could tase people as he played.
“If Lars stops tasing people at concerts, I won’t go to any more No Talent Ass Clowns concerts,” says fan Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ. “I love watching him tase people. They roll around, twitching and drooling and shit… that’s great stuff.”
Within two hours of being arrested, Gunblade was released, thanks to manager Jerry Gold. “He paid the cops off, that’s his job,” said Gunblade as he groped several groupies outside the police station. “I will continue to tase people at our shows. You can bet on that! When I zap people, it makes me feel like a real American. No one is going to stop me from being an American!”