Ass Clowns Press Conference

President becomes emotional about the possible loss of the band

Shocking news — The No Talent Ass Clowns tour blimp has disappeared over the frozen wastes of Greenland. In a Monday morning emergency press conference at the White House, President Obama asked the nation to remain calm.

“The No Talent Ass Clowns are a great band. Politicians from both sides of the aisle will admit that,” said a tearful Obama as he glanced at an image of the band’s tour blimp over his shoulder. “We don’t know their fate. Let’s keep speculation to a minimum. At the same time, I have a promo vinyl copy of their first album that’s about to triple in value.”

“Obama’s new-found love for The No Talent Ass Clowns is interesting,” commented Rush Limbaugh on his morning show. “He’s making the disappearance of this band a political issue. I, for one, resent that.”

The band made news last year when they launched the hydrogen-filled dirigible, calling it the first tour blimp in history. Since then, they have circled the world several times. Reporters were frequently shocked to see the band and groupies cavorting in hot tubs aboard the blimp while being interviewed.

All radio contact with the blimp ended late Sunday night. Rescuers say it could be days before they have any answers regarding the fate of the band.

UPDATE (2/8/11): Rescuers have found a burnt thong, five shattered cases of whiskey and several dime bags lodged in snow drifts. Rescue attempts are continuing.

Stay tuned for further developments…

  1. leathergirl says:

    I’m carrying the baby of one of the band members although I’m not sure which one. This is terrible news. Who am I supposed to harass for support if they wind up dead? This was not part of my friggin’ plan.

  2. A friend says:

    Please let them be dead! I have a very rare German CD Single of “I Finished… Now Get Out” signed by the entire band. Once they find body parts out there, hello eBay and big bucks!!!! Die Ass Clowns, die!!!

    • Lasko says:

      Blasphemer! You’re no Ass Clowns fan. Profiting from their death. You suck. BTW, I’ll buy that CD Single off you. Dick.

  3. T-Bone says:

    I’m doin’ a nickel up at Attica. When I get out, I was expecting to go to a No Talent Ass Clowns concert.

    Say it ain’t so. If they’re gone, I’d rather just stay in the joint.

  4. Meat Pants says:

    No way. No way. I can’t live without the Ass Clowns. Their music is the soundtrack of my life. “Blow Chunks Ballet” is like my personal mantra.

  5. Erica says:

    I can’t believe it! I got it on with the entire band during their “Pucker Factor” tour. Sure, they gave me VD but I don’t hold that against them. I’m still having trouble “downstairs” but I was hoping to do it with them again during their current tour but now it looks like I may be too late.

    Hope they’re OK. If they’re not, then fuck ’em.

  6. Dan Baxter says:

    Who cares? I never heard of this band.

  7. Fan #1 says:

    Good riddance!

  8. whoaford says:

    Holy shit! Is this true??