Rescuers in Greenland have confirmed that legendary rock band The No Talent Ass Clowns died when their tour blimp crashed late Sunday night. Dazed roadie “Rando” Miller was found unharmed and he lead rescuers to a horrifying scene — a polar bear eating the remains of the band members.
“I thought I was gonna hurl when I saw that,” said rescue leader Hans Gubber. “The bear was batting around drummer Joey Van Dundro’s head like a toy. Still, I suppose it’s the kind of end a band like this truly deserves.”
Rando told rescuers that the band was spending its time Sunday lighting farts. “Finally Vas Defrens lit up a huge one of his and the wall caught on fire,” said the roadie. “Everyone was like, flipped out. Then the whole thing blew up. That was cool–just like the Hindenburg, man.”
The roadie said the band initially survived the fiery crash but front man Lars Gunblade began killing off the other members of the band for food. When the polar bear appeared suddenly and began devouring the remains of band members, Rando ran off. Gunblade decided to fight the bear. “That didn’t work. The bear took his head off in a second,” declared Rando as the rescuers brought him two groupies to keep him warm.
Rando tried to put the best face on the situation. “Well, we can’t complete the tour this year obviously. On the flip side, any Ass Clowns shit that you have will be worth a fortune!”
No, Not There Records President Rocco Cisco was shocked upon hearing the news. “Yeah, I hated these guys but they sold CDs. I’m going to miss having them to verbally abuse. I could always get them to agree to contracts where they would get screwed. Good times.”
Like Buddy Holly and others who bought it too soon, memories of the Ass Clowns will live on… or not.