polar bear eating remains of rock band

A polar bear devours the body of front man, Lars Gunblade

Rescuers in Greenland have confirmed that legendary rock band The No Talent Ass Clowns died when their tour blimp crashed late Sunday night. Dazed roadie “Rando” Miller was found unharmed and he lead rescuers to a horrifying scene — a polar bear eating the remains of the band members.

“I thought I was gonna hurl when I saw that,” said rescue leader Hans Gubber. “The bear was batting around drummer Joey Van Dundro’s head like a toy. Still, I suppose it’s the kind of end a band like this truly deserves.”

Rando told rescuers that the band was spending its time Sunday lighting farts. “Finally Vas Defrens lit up a huge one of his and the wall caught on fire,” said the roadie. “Everyone was like, flipped out. Then the whole thing blew up. That was cool–just like the Hindenburg, man.”

The roadie said the band initially survived the fiery crash but front man Lars Gunblade began killing off the other members of the band for food. When the polar bear appeared suddenly and began devouring the remains of band members, Rando ran off. Gunblade decided to fight the bear. “That didn’t work. The bear took his head off in a second,” declared Rando as the rescuers brought him two groupies to keep him warm.

Rando tried to put the best face on the situation. “Well, we can’t complete the tour this year obviously. On the flip side, any Ass Clowns shit that you have will be worth a fortune!”

No, Not There Records President Rocco Cisco was shocked upon hearing the news. “Yeah, I hated these guys but they sold CDs. I’m going to miss having them to verbally abuse. I could always get them to agree to contracts where they would get screwed. Good times.”

Like Buddy Holly and others who bought it too soon, memories of the Ass Clowns will live on… or not.

UPDATE: No Talent Ass Clowns Are Not Really Dead.

  1. Rex Kramer says:

    When I read this, I was filled with indescribable joy. Then I found out the band was still alive. So I guess this band is in charge, the boss, the head band, top dog, big cheese, a head honcho.

  2. vlad-the-impaler-547 says:

    I was happier when they were dead.

  3. concerned pervert says:


  4. Father Mackenzie says:

    We can always remind ourselves that although the No Talent Ass Clowns didn’t die this time around, one day they WILL be dead. That thought comforts me.

  5. Jonathan Tuttle says:

    Sorry to hear they aren’t dead.

  6. Bernice says:

    Now that we know this story is bullshit, I’m suing the hell out of this band for causing emotional distress.

  7. Arthur Jackson says:

    I was in a brothel in Amsterdam last weekend and I’m telling you I saw the band there. This whole thing is FAKE!

  8. T-Bone says:

    This is bullshit. They’re still alive. You watch. It’s a PR stunt, man.

  9. Eugene Barkley says:

    I just don’t see a downside to this story.

  10. medicated in montana says:

    The No Talent Ass Clowns have always been a part of my life. Trouble is that I hate my life and now I’m beginning to believe it’s this band’s fault. Thanks god they’re dead. Rot in hell, ass clowns.

  11. violator862 says:

    I’m sad to see the band eaten by polar bears. I always figured they would have died from choking on their own vomit while drunk. I sure lost that bet!

  12. Vinnie From NJ says:

    I’m glad they’re dead. They got what they deserved for the shit they inflicted on us. I was forced to listen to Blow Chunks Ballet 30 times by a drunk friend of mine once. Strangely, he died in a single-car accident a few days later.

  13. Young Goodman Brown says:

    I’m organizing a No Talent Ass Clowns CD burning here in South Carolina to celebrate their deaths. It should be a spiritual event and I usually get laid after events like this. If interested, contact me offline.

  14. disgruntled says:

    The No Talent Ass Clowns suck. Everybody commenting on this site sucks. As a matter of fact, I suck. And it sucks that I know that!

  15. Mary Ellen says:

    The No Talent Ass Clowns were into felching. I know because I was the one they were felching from.

  16. Devoted Ass Clowns Fan says:

    GOOD!! I’m sick of hearing about this band and their crappy attitude. They didn’t have to get that restraining order against me. That was bullshit!

    • T-Bone says:

      What a sad ending for such a great band. I was lucky enough to get spat upon by Lars Gunblade at a concert in 2004. I’m sure it’s only a coincidence that I had hepatitis a few weeks later.

  17. conspiracy dan says:

    Yet no one in the mainstream press is covering this story. Can you believe it???? What are they trying to cover up????

    • Duck Butter Dirk says:

      you’re right. somebody’s definitely trying to keep this story quiet.

      • Walter says:

        Watched the news all weekend and not one media outlet covered this story. It’s all a big cover up. Maybe they aren’t dead, you know?

  18. Reverend Scott says:

    They were struck down by an angry God. We can all be grateful.

  19. no remorse says:

    Good. No more CDs from these guys.