“Some m*****fucker is using my name to post our interviews on Funny or Die,” shouted No Talent Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade to a group of reporters gathered in the grand dining room of the band’s tour blimp this morning.
“This is bullshit!” screamed Gunblade, kicking a nearby roadie. “This guy is acting like he’s me and he’s saying that we’re a fake band. That really pisses me off. Where was this a-hole when Vas [Defrens] was playing a 100-minute guitar solo at Consumption Auditorium, huh? Where was he when I shagged the entire front row after a concert in Brisbane, Australia? This guy doesn’t respect the Ass Clowns or what we do. It’s just another instance of the War on Rock and Roll! These non-rockers want to take rock and roll away from us and Funny or Die is helping them. Well, I want my rock and roll back!”
Gunblade proceeded to tell the audience of a dream he had the night before. “I dreamed I was on a long road, possibly in Canada. And Kurt Cobain, his wings fluttering, landed beside me and said, ‘Dude, what’s your problem?’ And I said, ‘Dude, I can’t bear the weight of rock and roll on my shoulders alone. And he said, ‘Dude, you’re being like a total pussy.’ Then, he flew away just as I started to say something, which seemed pretty fucking rude to me but whatever. Anyway, that dream was proof that I have to carry on and do battle in the name of the Gods of Rock.”
At that point, Gunblade dropped his microphone and walked into a bathroom to throw up. The reporters waited for 10 minutes but the singer continued to have a fit of dry heaves until the point where every one in the room was becoming ill. The reporters left soon after. An angry Jerry Gold, the Ass Clowns manager, quickly had the reporters escorted off the tour blimp.