Lars Gunblade

Lars Gunblade: He’s mad as hell about Funny or Die and the War on Rock and Roll

“Some m*****fucker is using my name to post our interviews on Funny or Die,” shouted No Talent Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade to a group of reporters gathered in the grand dining room of the band’s tour blimp this morning.

“This is bullshit!” screamed Gunblade, kicking a nearby roadie. “This guy is acting like he’s me and he’s saying that we’re a fake band. That really pisses me off. Where was this a-hole when Vas [Defrens] was playing a 100-minute guitar solo at Consumption Auditorium, huh? Where was he when I shagged the entire front row after a concert in Brisbane, Australia? This guy doesn’t respect the Ass Clowns or what we do. It’s just another instance of the War on Rock and Roll! These non-rockers want to take rock and roll away from us and Funny or Die is helping them. Well, I want my rock and roll back!”

Gunblade proceeded to tell the audience of a dream he had the night before. “I dreamed I was on a long road, possibly in Canada. And Kurt Cobain, his wings fluttering, landed beside me and said, ‘Dude, what’s your problem?’ And I said, ‘Dude, I can’t bear the weight of rock and roll on my shoulders alone. And he said, ‘Dude, you’re being like a total pussy.’ Then, he flew away just as I started to say something, which seemed pretty fucking rude to me but whatever. Anyway, that dream was proof that I have to carry on and do battle in the name of the Gods of Rock.”

At that point, Gunblade dropped his microphone and walked into a bathroom to throw up. The reporters waited for 10 minutes but the singer continued to have a fit of dry heaves until the point where every one in the room was becoming ill. The reporters left soon after. An angry Jerry Gold, the Ass Clowns manager, quickly had the reporters escorted off the tour blimp.

 COMMENT ON THIS BLOG

  1. Snub Pollard says:

    Listening to the No Talent Ass Clowns for some reason keeps me regular. Much appreciated, Ass Clowns.

  2. Jimmy Finlayson says:

    The No Talent Ass Clowns are the soundtrack to my life, which doesn’t say much for my life.

  3. Dolores Gunblade says:

    I love everything about this band. Great music. Great singer. Really, they have it all. But I wish Lars didn’t sing about asses so much. He’s better than that, although not by much.

  4. Archibald Cameron says:

    I’ve never heard of this asshole Lars Gunblade before or his band. After watching one of their music videos, I can understand why.

    • Kupelweiser says:

      I must say, I’m astonished. How could you be so stupid? Ass clowns rule, bitch!

      • Archibald Cameron says:

        I could say that I’d like to rip off your head and shit in your neck but I won’t. I’m too polite for that.

        • Kupelweiser says:

          There are certain Eastern European countries where you can pay to get that sort of thing if that’s what you’re into.

  5. Axeman14 says:

    When I watched the interview, I lost my load. I don’t think it was the interview that caused that. I think it was the smoking hot naked chick who was next to me.

    Could be true.

    • Tony the Pony says:

      Could be true… but it isn’t… am I right?

      Listen kid, there are some lovely ladies from Russia that want to “meet” you right now. All you gotta do is wire me 500 and two of them will meet you at any hotel you choose. Not a bad deal, am I right?

      Contact me offline.

  6. BumFluff says:

    I just stumbled on this website by accident and I have to say, it’s very scary to me. Please tell me these people aren’t real. I wanted to think this was fake but these blogs go back 5 years. What asshole would keep a lame joke going that long?

    • Mrs. Stout says:

      Nobody is that fucked up in the head. You’d have to be a real loser to make all this shit up year after year for no reason other than to have a cheap laugh. Nobody’s that retarded.

      • BumFluff says:

        Agreed.

        • Pip Pip says:

          Their interviews look pretty professionally made. Why would anyone fake this?

          • harvey man god says:

            I think this is some kind of psy-ops thing going on. The government wants to know how much of this band we can take. They’re softening us up for slaughter or for selective breeding with women who have been selected for this task due to their highly sexual nature.

            Or it could just be a fake rock band site. One or the other.

  7. WogoMogo says:

    Our band opened for the Ass Clowns many years ago on the West Coast. They’re all dicks. One of them took a wizz in my guitar case and another one took a dump all over our bass drum. When I pulled out my 357, they ran out the back door, screaming like little girls. I nearly missed putting a bullet in Lars. Too bad.

    • Lew Flapp III says:

      If you nearly missed putting a bullet in Lars, that means you put a bullet in Lars, you moran!

  8. Sergeant Major Rock My Socks says:

    The War on Rock has taken its toll. Enemy combatants include Britney Spears, all boy bands, hip hop and fucking Autotune. We’ve taken many causalities but the fight isn’t over. We’ll take our high-voltage rock to the streets and de-program millennials from their prefabricated pop and artless rap.

    • Slippin' Jimmy says:

      I got hit by a Britney Spears song one hot summer night in 2007 and I thought I wouldn’t live to see the dawn. But I made it and so did my buddies. We lived through that nightmare although some of us still need counseling every time she shows up at some award show.

      The War on Rock goes on but we will prevail.

  9. Randall McCoy says:

    Wait, I just upvoted that video. Should I not have? I’m all confused now.