Factory-Sealed Fornicators

The Factory-Sealed Fornicators To Reunite In Concert

Factory-Sealed Fornicators, a no-hit wonder band of 1991, bit the dust in 1992. Two members of the band went on to lengthy prison terms for prostitution and racketeering (they were released in 2011). Two, Lars Gunblade and Vas Defrens, went on to form The No Talent Ass Clowns. And now, despite no demands for it, the Fornicators are launching a reunion concert to be held at Consumption Auditorium in the fall.

“Yeah, I always said that I hated that band and the music we played,” said Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade. “But sometimes, you just get bored. I mean really, really bored to the point where dumb shit seems like a good idea. Perhaps the hatred we feel toward each other will act as some sort of catalyst on stage and we’ll do something amazing. Or it will suck, which is a lot more likely.”

The Fornicators reunion concert seems unlikely to generate much interest. Their one and only CD, Limited Edition Bimbo Collection, was universally panned and in concert, they played to mostly empty houses. To keep history from repeating itself, Consumption Auditorium will not be charging for tickets. In fact, they will pay each concertgoer $50 to attend. “I’m playin’ it safe,” says Pedro O’Brien, Consumption Auditorium’s manager. “Even with paying people, I figure we’ll be lucky to fill a 1/3 of the room. Seriously, they’re that bad!”

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  1. Mr. Bob says:

    I listened to their song “Brown Helmet Bingo” and it turned me gay, which sucks because I don’t even like turquoise.

  2. Joe Bunky says:

    Comment on this blog? I’d rather comment on my toe fungus, which is getting pretty out of control.

    • Peter says:

      There’s a cure for that… pour sulfuric acid on your feet. I guarantee you fungus will no longer be a problem.

  3. Dan from Brisbane says:

    I’ve hard many people say that the Factory-Sealed Fornicators were the worst band of all time. I’d love to see this concert!

  4. Chesterfield557 says:

    This website is complete bullshit. I don’t like the idea of smearing the reputations of rock stars with this dribble. They work hard sometimes and they make a great deal of money. What’s wrong with that?

    This pathetic attempt at humor at the expense of rock stars will not stand.

    • Phillip Traum says:

      I agree. I hate this website. Every day I come here and every day I hate what I see. Fawning articles that worship a band that frankly doesn’t seem to exist outside of this website. I go to Target to buy one of their CDs and I’m told none of them exist and the employees laugh at me and snicker as I leave. I don’t suppose I’ll have any better luck with locating this Factory-Sealed Fornicators CD.

      • Walter S. says:

        I have no patience with Ass Clown doubters. If you choose to doubt the existence of the greatest band in the world, The No Talent Ass Clowns, then I feel sorry for you. What an empty, hollow life you must lead.

        Nothing personal… but respectfully… go f yourself, okay?

        • Meat Pants says:

          And I have no patience with Ass Clown fanboys like you, Walter. You make me sick.

          To paraphrase Shakespeare… physician, f*ck thyself.

      • Robert de Beaumont says:

        Gotta admit, I’m not a fan of the band or this website. However, it’s either read this or CNN so I figure this is the lesser of two evils.

  5. Walter S. says:

    I saw the Factory-Sealed Fornicators at some shitty bar in Mt. Holly, NJ. They were terrible. Lars was off-key. Vas flubbed every single guitar solo. The sound was distorted and the stage collapsed during their last song. One of the amps shattered my kneecap when it hit me. A really bad scene.

    Yet I heard a very early, extremely amateurish version of Blow Chunks Ballet that night. That made it all worthwhile.

    I’m glad the Fornicators are coming back one more time.

    • Wayne H. says:

      I just sold my copy of “Limited Edition Bimbo Collection” on eBay for $1,900 bucks (I hear that sealed copies can go for more than $15K). I bought my copy for a quarter in a yard sale in 1994. I love this country.

  6. Simcoe says:

    I never heard of the Factory-Sealed Fornicators. But then again, I never heard of the No Talent Ass Clowns either.