The No Talent Ass Clowns

The No Talent Ass Clowns Platinum Club Announced

In a surprising new development, controversial rockers The No Talent Ass Clowns are demanding that fans pay a yearly fee to be fans.

For $500 a year, members of The No Talent Ass Clowns Platinum Club will be able to purchase the band’s CDs and posters and attend their concerts.

“Without the membership, you won’t have access to us,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “It’s a small price to pay but you’re payin’ it. We have expensive rehab clinics to pay for, designer drugs, escort services, you name it… It adds up.  And frankly, the fans have to shoulder more of the burden.”

Fan reaction has been mixed. “I have no problem with it,” said loyal fan Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ.

“Being part of an exclusive club sounds kind of cool. I wish they’d charge a grand for this privilege,” said Picklefeather as he mailed $500 in crumpled singles to the band.

Other fans aren’t so generous. “I’m not payin’ shit,” remarked T-Bone, an inmate at Attica Prison. ‘Shit. $500? No way. Shit.”


  1. Timothy T. says:

    Why would I be OK with this? Total bullshit. Pay to worship this band? No thanks. I worked for these creeps during their “Pucker Factor” tour. Yeah, there were naked chicks everywhere backstage and I got laid hundreds of times but Lars, Vas, Joey and Carnage were turds. I mean, yeah, they paid for my VD shots and reconstructive surgery on my private parts but still. Total Jerks.

  2. Axman14 says:

    Everyone commenting here is a total retard.

    • Meat Pants says:

      Well, that’s good to know. Here I was thinking I was some kind of genius or something. Thanks for putting me in my place, Axman14… if that is your real name.

    • Not Lew Flapp says:


      I would like to remind you that a commentator on this website was murdered recently for being an ass hole with his comments.

      • Axman14 says:

        And you, Not Lew Flapp, you’re next.

        • TK423 says:

          Those comments by Lew Flapp and T-Bone are fake. I hate that because it’s distracting. I want to hear about the No Talent Ass Clowns, not some made-up murder to keep mouth-breathing commentors interested.

          • Avenging Angel 52 says:

            Agreed. I prefer it when this website keeps it real. Focus on the band, not this bullshit.

  3. Tony the Pony says:

    500 bucks a year? I’m in! I’ve always been an Ass Clowner.

  4. Victor J. Snodgrass says:

    I wouldn’t pay The No Talent Ass Clowns $500 a year if they promised me front row seats to every one of their concerts, a bevy of chesty bimbos and enough weed to give myself the munchies for the next 15 years.

  5. T. J. Dickweed says:

    I find this band offensive. The No Talent Ass Clowns appear to be rather ugly and I’m guessing they smell bad as well. I think they’re bad for America. That being said, I feel their song “Brown Helmet Bingo” perfectly captures what it’s like to pursue those kinds of adventures with women. Or so I’ve heard.

  6. Luffy says:

    Well, I left prostitution to start a family three years ago. Now, with this added fee to appreciate the world’s greatest band, I will have to turn tricks again. As before, my rate is 250 for standard, 500 for “In through the out door.” No water sports please.

  7. Meat Pants says:

    Works for me. I’m fine with it.

    • Sammy Jingo 56 says:

      I wouldn’t pay a C note to follow this shitty band. Seriously, what brain dead people comment on this site anyway???????

      • Ralphie Retro IV says:

        I don’t know. All of the comments here seem really lame, even yours.