Lars Gunblade at Consumption Auditorium

Lars Gunblade suggests band broken up

The No Talent Ass Clowns, a band famous for threatening to break up, may be parting ways for real according to front man Lars Gunblade. In a hastily called press conference aboard the band’s famous tour blimp, An impaired Gunblade struggled to remain upright to address reporters.

“It’s f*cking over,” said a red-eyed Gunblade. “Our stand-ins will perform the rest of our shows this year but otherwise we have no intention of being in the same room, let alone make music.”

At this point, the infamous singer collapsed and convulsed for five minutes. As EMTs were attending to him, he hoarsely made a final statement before passing out. “It was only hate, mistrust and a total lack of respect for each other that kept this band together. Without any of that, what’s the point of continuing this charade?”

Fan reaction has been mixed. “Finally,” exclaimed long-time fan boy Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ. “Yeah, I’ve been a fan since 1995 but I’ve been waiting for this day for like years. What a relief! When they faked their deaths several years ago… I felt great. But this sounds like it’s finally, finally over. Free at last!”

Conversely, Ass Clown groupies appeared depressed. “I don’t know what to do,” said Holly, 19 of Shamokin, PA (one of last year’s “virgin” sacrifices at the legendary Centralia PA concert that never happened). “I wanted to be exploited and objectified at least until my mid-20s. Now what?”

COMMENT ON THIS BLOG

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  1. Roto-Tom says:

    In an age of sell-out bands, it was always great to see The No Talent Ass Clowns assaulting our senses with their non-stop, infantile themes of preverted sex set against the sounds of grade-z musicians. I hope the band isn’t over. That would suck… much like their catalog of music.

    • Axman13 says:

      What’s your deal? Do you like the Ass Clowns or nut? Are you like a schizu or something? One second you complement them, than you insult them. Make up your friggin’ mind because my brian hurts to read your post.

  2. William Bonney says:

    Yeah, I see that ad under the blog for Maximo Ear Wax Remover. I bought that because Lars endorsed it and am I ever sorry!! Yeah, it removed the ear wax but it also burned through my ear drums and I’m totally deaf. Not cool. I’m still a huge Ass Clowns fan but I’ll never buy anything endorsed by Lars ever again and I advise you to do the same.

    • Colin, East Brompton, UK says:

      I got stung when I bought Lars’ cologne called “Tre Lars”. I bought it because I thought chicks would be all ouer me. No such luck. I’ve been in and out of hospital with more symptoms than I can list here. Just know that it’s bad, really bad. Lars doesn’t seem to care what he endorses and that makes him a real tosser.

      • Ricky Fitts says:

        I call bullshit. I bought “Tre Lars” and it was great. From the minute I put it on, I was getting more action than Charlie Sheen in a nun’s convent. Smells great. Plus, it attracts more chicks than flies on a rotting carcass. Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it?

  3. Joe Bunky says:

    I’d rather see their replacements any day. I caught an Ass Clowns concert in New York in June and realized half through that they were the imposters. Turns out they played way better than the actual Ass Clowns. My girlfriend went backstage after the show and she assured me they were way better lovers than the real band as well.

    • Tony the Pony says:

      You share your girlfriend with the band? Are you nuts? Those guys have had every social disease under the sun. I found out the hard way.

    • Father McKenzie says:

      My son, you should have never allowed your girlfriend to be manhandled by those sleazy degenerates. I offer to go in her place next time you go to an Ass Clowns show. The cost will be $300 dollars… it’s not much but it’s all I can afford.

  4. Derrick, the Drill says:

    Everybody in our frat is bummed to hear of this. We’ve been drinking since we read the post and now we’re pretty wasted and stuff. Damn Ass Clowns, who do they think they are breaking up? Sounds like bullshit to me. Between this and my girlfriend breaking up with me is too much. I told her that that time with her best friend didn’t mean anything. Did she believe me? No.

  5. Not Lew Flapp says:

    Can’t this blog get anything right? The headline says “maybe” they’re breaking up and the article says definitely. If I wanted to read badly written articles, I could just go to CNN.

  6. The REAL Hammer says:

    Where’s my black arm band? This is the worst day of my life after when “Charles in Charge” was cancelled.

  7. Meat Pants says:

    This is a sad day. I hope Lars is just stoned and talking bullshit. But you never know.