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Lars Gunblade at Consumption Auditorium

Lars Gunblade suggests band broken up

The No Talent Ass Clowns, a band famous for threatening to break up, may be parting ways for real according to front man Lars Gunblade. In a hastily called press conference aboard the band’s famous tour blimp, An impaired Gunblade struggled to remain upright to address reporters.

“It’s f*cking over,” said a red-eyed Gunblade. “Our stand-ins will perform the rest of our shows this year but otherwise we have no intention of being in the same room, let alone make music.”

At this point, the infamous singer collapsed and convulsed for five minutes. As EMTs were attending to him, he hoarsely made a final statement before passing out. “It was only hate, mistrust and a total lack of respect for each other that kept this band together. Without any of that, what’s the point of continuing this charade?”

Fan reaction has been mixed. “Finally,” exclaimed long-time fan boy Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ. “Yeah, I’ve been a fan since 1995 but I’ve been waiting for this day for like years. What a relief! When they faked their deaths several years ago… I felt great. But this sounds like it’s finally, finally over. Free at last!”

Conversely, Ass Clown groupies appeared depressed. “I don’t know what to do,” said Holly, 19 of Shamokin, PA (one of last year’s “virgin” sacrifices at the legendary Centralia PA concert that never happened). “I wanted to be exploited and objectified at least until my mid-20s. Now what?”


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