Legendary bad boy rock guitarist Vas Defrens checked into an unnamed hospital in LA yesterday, making it the 42nd time he’s done so in the last two years. A nervous hospital spokesman assured press members that Defrens was simply “exhausted” and nothing more needed to be said or written about it.
Here is part of this press conference, which was inexplicably held in a strip club several miles from the hospital at Defrens’ request:
Spokesman: Nothing is wrong with Vas. Nothing at all. He will be re-joining The No Talent Ass Clowns world tour this afternoon. He’s exhausted, OK? Let it go!
Reporter: Come on! I understand Vas Defrens came into the hospital after overdosing on a cocktail of heroin, cocaine, ecstasy, codeine, morphine and St. Joseph’s chewable aspirin. You know, the orange-flavored ones.
Spokesman: This is, of course, ridiculous! The sparrow flies because he has wings. Can we deny a rock star the same practice?
Reporter: But is it true?
Spokesman: I stand on my answer.
Reporter: But what about–?
Spokesman: Please excuse me, gentlemen, I’ve paid for a lap dance.
Ass Clowns fans seemed alarmed by the media attention. Outside the hospital, fanatical fan Buford Picklefeather from Perth Amboy, NJ, shouted “Leave Vas alone!” repeatedly. He was eventually tased a dozen times and taken into the ER when he started having violent seizures.
When asked for comment, No Talent Ass Clowns’ manager, Jerry Gold only said, “Get that f*cking microphone out of my f*cking face before I tear off your head and sh*t in your neck!”