To the surprise of the rest of the band, No Talent Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade announced a brief solo tour in March. “Yeah, I needed to get away from the rest of the band,” said Gunblade during a hastily called press conference aboard the band’s tour blimp. “They suck and I wanted to play a few dates where I didn’t have to share the money with other losers.”

“This is kind of a shock,” said Ass Clowns’ guitarist Vas Defrens. “We were supposed to be in the studio in March. Now what? Should I record another solo CD? Hell, no, that’s too much work. I guess I could spend the time getting high and nailing groupies but that’s just business as usual. Where’s the thrill?”

Gunblade promises an amazing show. “I’m doing a whole new version of Blow Chunks Ballet. A lot of people don’t know that Blow Chunks pre-dates the Ass Clowns. I was playing that song in the Factory-Sealed Fornicators. On this tour, I have a children’s choir backing me up on the chorus and we’re all going to throw up on the people in the front row at the end of the song. It’s gonna be awesome!”

Billing himself as “L. Gunblade,” the infamous singer hopes to put some distance between himself and the Ass Clowns. “Let’s be honest. The rest of the band isn’t as great as I am. They’re not going to suckle at my teat this time. This tour is ‘me-time’ and I’m takin’ it.”

The No Talent Ass Clowns will resume their world tour in April.


  1. The REAL Hammer says:

    Saw Lars at Smegma Lounge. He sucked. As usual.

  2. G. Hawkes says:

    L. Gunblade? That’s so goddamned pretentious. Just write out your first name, dickweed!

  3. Philip Traum says:

    I’m having difficulty getting directions from Google for any of these venues. Can anybody here help me out?

    • T-Bone says:


      The band has a long-standing feud with Google. As a result, Google often blocks results having to do with the Ass Clowns concert dates and locations. Pretty dickish, right?

    • Ron Obvious says:

      I can’t find any of these f*cking venues. I’m thinking Lars is screwing with people on this tour. Maybe he thinks he’s “sticking it to the man” with fake concert venues but I’m not the man… and I want to go. RON PAUL 2012.

      • Milt Joyce says:


        I already have my tickets for each of these concert dates. But I’m not going to tell you how I got them.

  4. Meat Pants says:

    Who wants to see Lars Gunblade solo? He’s shit without the rest of the band.

  5. Trish G. says:

    I Googled “Smegma Lounge” and found something way different than what I was expecting. Does this place exist?

  6. Hans Gruber says:

    Shit! I’m there. I live in Finland but I’ll get there somehow.