In a shocking press conference at No, Not There! Records in Kings Nose, NJ this morning, No Talent Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade declared that the notorious metal band is no more.
“It turns out that I blew all of the money on hookers and drugs and like a fool, I wasted the rest,” admitted Gunblade with tears welling up in his eyes that two nubile groupies licked away as he spoke. “So, that’s it. I guess we’ll let our sound-alike band continue to fulfill our tour dates but me, Vas, Carnage and Joey are finished as a band. We were never friends so it’s not a big loss really. To all our loyal fans, I’d like to extend a great big ‘f*ck you.’ I won’t miss you. Adios!”
Fans were enthusiastic upon hearing the news. “I think it’s great!” gushed long-time fan Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ who asked that his name not be used. “I’ve hoped and prayed for this day. We’ve been teased before about a breakup but this time, it feels real. Now that it’s happened, I don’t know what to do with myself… maybe get a girlfriend or something, who knows?”
“It’s just as well,”said long-time groupie Candi. “I’ve been with the whole band obviously and it was fun for the first 10 years but now it’s just going through the motions. It’s time for me to move on to another band that will have me. The band says they’re thinking of selling me to the Fetal Pigs for 50 bucks and a case of beer. They better talk to my lawyer first. I’m holding out for more.”
After the press conference, Gunblade was noticed dumpster-diving behind the record company’s building. When approached, he said, “Hey, I wasn’t kidding when I said we were bankrupt. Whoa, somebody threw out a case of ramen noodles. I’m set for a month!”