The No Talent Ass Clowns

The No Talent Ass Clowns

Legendary rock band The No Talent Ass Clowns announced this morning that they have hired alternate musicians to portray the band for many concert appearances in 2013. The band declined to name the four Latino musicians who will play at least 70% of the band’s concerts around the world.

“We love playing concerts,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “But we don’t need to tour to get laid these days. And let’s not forget that your Mexicans work real cheap and they’re got a bitchin’ work ethic. We’re lazy, middle-aged rockers. Who would you rather bring high-voltage rock your way?”

Reaction from fans has been universally negative. “The Ass Clowns have disappointed me for years,” says fanatical fan Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ. “This is just another insult piled upon mountains of insults.”

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  1. Intruder 57 says:

    I saw The No Talent Ass Clowns at one of their first shows ever in 1995. They were terrible. I tried to talk to Lars during a break and he looked at me like I was an asshole. Then he kicked me right in the balls. For years after that, I had a negative opinion of Lars and the band. But now, I realize that when Lars planted his foot in my nut sack, he was doing what he had to do as an up-and-coming rock star.

    I think that hiring imposters and ripping off the fans is the next logical step in their career. But I wonder, would a Lars Gunblade lookalike also kick me in the balls? Guess I’ll have to try and find out!

  2. The REAL Hammer says:

    A question for this band–is it asking too much to play for yourselves?

    Their show is obviously lip-synched so they’re not exactly working very hard. Still, I’ll check out the Mexican replacements to see how they do.

  3. Ass Clown Fan #1577 says:

    I’m pissed. I’ve been an Ass Clowns fan since 1997 and this is the last straw. Of course, I’ve said that dozens of times before!

  4. Big Tony says:

    I wouldn’t pay 50 cents to see The No Talent Ass Clowns.

    On the other hand, I would pay thousands of dollars to see their Mexican imitators.

  5. Candi says:

    I suspect they’ve already had these guys out on the road. I had sex with whole band backstage a few months ago and noticed that they kept yelling “Do it, bitch!” with a definite Spanish accent.

    Knowing that it wasn’t really the Ass Clowns I was with that night makes me feel violated.

    • Amber says:

      I had the same experience. I was doing the Clowns after a Consumption Auditorium concert in November and noticed that Joey’s one-eyed trouser snake was suddenly about five inches longer than I remembered.

      Come to think of it, these guys were a definite improvement.

      • Rev. Jonathan Quiggley says:

        I hope you’re proud of yourselves for prostituting yourselves to a rock band. You should be ashamed. It doesn’t matter if you have beautiful bodies, large breasts, pert nipples and an ass meant to be pounded by my throbbing member, you shouldn’t be doing this. It’s immoral.

        • Vinnie from Staten Island says:

          I think the Reverend and Amber need to hook up some Saturday night. I’ll bring the video camera… and my assortment of cock rings.

          • Rev. Jonathan Quiggley says:

            Dear Vinnie,

            Thanks for videoing Amber and me Saturday night. She was awesome and you did a great job capturing the action. Sorry about getting your camera all smeared. Didn’t know she was going to point it at the lenses when I blasted off.

            • Amber says:

              And thank you Vinnie for joining in. I had never done THAT before. Not sure I liked it but obviously you boys did. One thing though, I have more STDs than I can keep track of. You guys might want to visit a doctor… soon.

              • Vinnie from Staten Island says:

                It hurts when I pee. Amber, you’re a bitch!!!

                BTW, you doing anything tomorrow night?

  6. Nick Ray Tummo says:

    Fine by me. As long as these Mexicans put on a better show than the original band… which won’t be very hard.

    • T-Bone says:

      Hey, Nick,

      I would think that the originator of Ass Clowning would have more respect for the band than this.

      Guess I’m wrong. Show some respect or else I may have to take you for a ride.

      • Nick Ray Tummo says:

        Thanks, T-Bone… hey, rob any convenience stores lately? Does your parole officer know you’re threatening people on the internet?

        You may be an Ass Clowns fan but you’re still an icehole.

  7. Randall Flagg says:

    My hat is off to the Ass Clowns. They’ve been a hard-working band for years and I don’t blame them for wanting to take it easy. They can get laid and high at home so why travel, right? I think they’re doing the right thing here.

    I’m a bit envious really. For me to get laid, I have to shell out hundreds of dollars to prostitutes every week. These guys get it free. Gentlemen, I salute you.

  8. Dan Baxter says:

    Jesus, this band is pathetic.

    • Carlos O'Reilly says:

      As a Mexican-American, I find this band’s attitude intolerable. On the other hand, I wish I had known they were looking for Latino musicians because I am one bad ass on the guitar.