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Mega-group The No Talent Ass Clowns are big on their music in mono, reversing a 60-year trend in music favoring stereo mixing. “It’s bullshit,” says Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade. “We want our music to be simple. That’s what you should always remember about us, we’re simple.”

“Well, it pretty much cuts the mixing time in half,” says Joe Roberts, a recording engineer at No, Not There! Studios where The No Talent Ass Clowns record in Kings Nose, NJ. “Now, all I need is one speaker and bam, we’re done. It’s beautiful. Music in mono is the greatest thing ever.”

Music in Mono: The Wave of the Future?

“We pretty much call the shots in the rock world now,” says Gunblade. “And you can bet that all rock bands will follow our lead soon. That’s right… U2 and Foo Fighters will follow along like good little boys and pretend that they discovered mixing their albums in mono. Ha! Before long, every rock CD will have a mono mix. I can’t wait for that day. Mono is how music was meant to be heard. Everybody knows that!”

Now, the band is demanding that fans return their old Ass Clowns CDs in stereo so that they can send them replacements in mono. But fan reaction has been negative.

“I got a threatening letter in the mail telling me to return my Ass Clowns CDs,” says Janice, a fan from Scranton, PA. “They said they’d whack out my whole family if I didn’t return my stereo mixes of their albums. That ain’t gonna happen. The way the sound travels from channel to channel on ‘Let’s Try Something Different’ is worth keeping. They can’t have my stereo CDs. No way. Screw the band, which by the way, I wouldn’t do under any condition. Ever.”