In December’s issue of Rock Wasteland, rock star Lars Gunblade manages to inflate his ego still more with another self-congratulatory interview. Rock Wasteland, a magazine infamous for the number of “Special No Talent Ass Clowns” editions it has put out, has once again literally gotten on its knees and orally pleasured the vainglorious singer for The No Talent Ass Clowns.
Rock journalist Tawny Straker caught up with Gunblade at his estate outside Rutland, Vermont. Tawny was a bit surprised when Gunblade requested that she be naked and oiled for the interview but in the interest of journalism went along with the singer’s request.
As usual, Gunblade was combative for the interview but provided some interesting insights that Ass Clowns fans are sure to find fascinating:
Rock Wasteland: So, why is it you’re so great?
Gunblade: Oh, come on, Tawny, I think after last night, you know exactly why I’m great. I mean, I was, wasn’t I?
Rock Wasteland: Well, last night is probably best forgotten, don’t you think, Mr. Shrinky-Dink? Let me re-phrase the question. Why is it that you’re such a great rock star?
Gunblade: Let’s not undersell this, OK? I’m a total rock legend. Not everybody knows that but I certainly do. Other bands are jealous of course. U2 has always had it in for us. And the Foo Fighters, yeah, everybody knows about my troubles with them.
Rock Wasteland: You once said that Led Zeppelin wouldn’t be fit to open for you. That’s a pretty bold statement.
Gunblade: Yes, that’s true. What I said was technically true. John Bonham’s been dead for 35 years so his drumming would be pretty off. See what I mean? They wouldn’t perform very well as a band.
Rock Wasteland: Some people have said you’re a pathetic sexist who treats women like objects. How do you respond?
Gunblade: Look, I respect every chick I’ve ever banged. I mean, we installed a delivery room on our tour blimp for pregnant groupies. I think that says a lot about this band, don’t you?
Rock Wasteland: It says plenty. One final question: you’ve said you plan to do more touring as a solo act. Why?
Gunblade: Not having to split the proceeds four ways is a big reason. Plus, I don’t like the band. Everybody knows that. This interview is getting boring. Let’s get in the hot tub and talk about me.
Rock Wasteland: Works for me. Hopefully, the third time will be the charm. At least I hope so.
(reprinted with permission from Rock Wasteland magazine)