No Talent Ass Clowns‘ front man Lars Gunblade says God has told him to live a life of sex, drugs and rock and roll.
“Yes, it’s true. I’m on a mission from God,” says Gunblade. “I have asked his guidance to sell more concert seats than other rock groups. He has agreed that I totally rock and he will do his best to make sure bands like The Foo Fighters never challenge the greatness of The No Talent Ass Clowns. Previously, the old man was spending a lot of time on Bronchos football. I read him the riot act and he admitted football didn’t really matter compared to rock and roll.”
How can the Almighty sanction such behavior? “I have pretty much free rein,” says Gunblade with a sneer. “I can’t bang too many groupies. I can’t do too many drugs. I can’t act like a pig to too many fans. It’s great. Essentially, every nameless chick I nail brings me closer to heaven. You gotta admit, that’s a sweet set-up.”
Football fans have taken exception to Gunblade’s inflammatory statements. “Lars Gunblade is full of shit!” said Dan J. DeSpudswell, a Denver Bronchos football fan. “God has a vested interest in football, not rock music!”
Gunblade’s comments have only confirmed his holy status with a Christian church in North Carolina that worships Gunblade and No Talent Ass Clowns CDs. “Lars is speaking the truth,” said churchgoer Edna Craddock. “I personally don’t go in for all their backdoor sex references but I worship their words nevertheless.”