A new find shows that’s exactly what they are! 18th century historian Rod Burnside recently came across a July 1735 edition of “Gentleman’s Magazine,” a popular London magazine of the time featuring an account of a band of musicians called The No Talent Ass Clowns.

No Talent Ass Clowns play concert date in 1735.

Popular rock band played concert in 1735!!

What could be just coincidence is further dispelled by the mention of a song called “Shooting the Cat Sonata” about binge drinking, which bears an eerie similarity to today’s “Blow Chunks Ballet,” a song about the same thing. Furthermore, the 1735 magazine specifically references singer Lars Gunblade and guitarist Vas Defrens by name. Coincidence? Hardly, says researcher Burnside.

“What else could explain their incredibly long life?” asks the researcher. “They’re obviously vampire rock stars. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!” cautioned Burnside.

“This is ridiculous,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “We aren’t vampires. This is simply an attempt by the rock media to discredit us.”

Gunblade was asked recently about the large number of Ass Clown groupies who have disappeared over the years. “They’re just doing this so when people search for ‘crazy Twilight fans’ they will come across this story!” said the singer. “It’s a cheap trick to increase SEO value. Can’t you see that?” shouted Gunblade to frightened reporters aboard the band’s tour blimp.

  1. Pile On Pete says:

    How is this newsworthy? This blog has really gone downhill.

  2. turdokinskywalker says:

    This is just Photoshop. Just somebody else trying to make this band look bad.

  3. wanker says:

    Well, shit, you’d think if they’ve been around for hundreds of years playing music they’d be better by now!

  4. name withheld says:

    Hmm, that makes sense actually.