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Consumption Auditorium

"The Toilet" Evokes Fond Memories For The No Talent Ass Clowns

Rock stars have a love/hate relationship with Consumption Auditorium. That is to say, every rock star hates it with the exception of The No Talent Ass Clowns, who call the place home. “We love it there!” exclaims front man Lars Gunblade. “Yeah, it’s a manicured cesspool but it works for us. Just don’t drink the tap water, take off your shoes or touch anything!”

Over the years, the non-working restrooms, leaky roof, cracked walls, ceilings and floors have caused the famous rock venue to be nearly condemned half a dozen times. “The place is scary at night,” said janitor James “Rambo” Jones. “There’s rats in there the size of cars. One time, a guy passed out after a concert and he got locked in overnight. Next morning, we found him and half of his body had been eaten by rats. Nasty!”

Bands continually complain about the dilapidated dressing rooms and the fact that the electrical system is so faulty that three singers have been electrocuted on stage since 1985. They may not have to suffer any longer. Rumor has it the building may be demolished next year. Here’s a group of rock stars who won’t be upset by that fact:

Bruce Springsteen: “We played there in ’75 during the “Born to Run” tour. Scary, man! I needed half a dozen vaccinations after we left.”

Depeche Mode: “First place we played in the States. Almost made us never come back.”

Bon Jovi: “Played it once. Never again. There was something with glowing red eyes behind a hole in the wall.”

Green Day: “Something below the floorboards grabbed our feet as we headed toward the stage. We’re still in counseling for that.”

Garbage: “We heard voices in the bathrooms. Sounded like a satanic mass or something. Two of our roadies were found beheaded. We took that as a bad sign.”

Consumption Auditorium