Bono & Lars

Who will win the ticket price war?

In a radical move, legendary rock band The No Talent Ass Clowns are charging $5,000 for seats to their “Say Hello to My Posterior” tour, making their concerts by far the most expensive in rock concert history. Bands and fans are shocked. Organizations like Ticketmaster are refusing to comment.

“I decided enough was enough,” said Ass Clowns front man, Lars Gunblade from the band’s new tour blimp. “To see U2 is like 250 bucks and people are payin’ it! If they’re stupid enough to pay that, they’re stupid enough to pay five grand! U2, you guys can step aside. You only thought you were ripping off fans! Watch how the masters do it!”

“These prices suck the big one,” said Billy Banacekarelli from Queens. “Before we were married, my wife was a hooker. To afford these f**kin’ ticket prices, I had to ask her to turn tricks again. In fact, I’m doin’ it too. So, she takes on drunk bowling teams and creepy truckers buy it from me. Disturbing? F**k yeah! But we refuse to miss a No Talent Ass Clowns tour. Life would suck if we couldn’t hear ‘Blow Chunks Ballet‘ live.”

“Let me get this straight, people actually pay to see this band?” remarked Bono. The lead singer of U2 and Lars Gunblade have never gotten along since Gunblade used a Rolling Stone interview to make fun of the mullet that Bono sported in the early 80s.

Since the new price took effect last Friday, ticket sales are rumored to be down but the band appears unconcerned. “If they don’t wanna fork over the money, then f**k ‘em” said drummer Joey Van Dundro. “We’ve played to empty houses before and we’re not afraid to do it again.”

“Some people say that we’re boning the fans,” said Gunblade. “I got news for you, sunshine, ask anyone who’s ever been backstage after our concerts and they’ll tell that we’ve always enjoyed boning our fans!”

  1. David Howell Evans says:

    I purpose a trade. The No Talent Ass Clowns get Bono and U2 gets Lars Gunblade. That would be interesting. I’d be very happy to see that happen. Very happy.

  2. Steve Lillywhite says:

    What bugs me about U2 is that they always had integrity. The No Talent Ass Clowns have none and they’re proud of it. You have to respect that!

  3. Sam Bass says:

    I’m hoping for a Bono / Lars Gunblade collaboration some day. U2 and The No Talent Ass Clowns have a lot in common. For example, each band has four members. That’s a lot of common ground.

  4. Gus Guest says:

    I’d pay 5,000 for Ass Clown tickets before I’d pay 250 for U2 tickets. I saw U2 in 1982 for ten bucks. Why should I pay them 250 now? Lars Gunblade tased me repeatedly during an Ass Clowns concert last year. I couldn’t walk straight for a week. That was worth any price!

  5. Bill says:

    They’re worth 10 grand per seat! Hell, I’d pay a million dollars for a Ass Clowns ticket.