The Ass House

The Ass House located in Brooklyn's trendy Bay Ridge district

In a shocking turn of events, the FDA has determined that several customers who complained about food at a trendy NYC restaurant went missing and later turned up in the restaurant’s signature stew.

The Ass House, owned by No Talent Ass Clowns’ infamous guitarist Vas Defrens, had no direct comment regarding the government’s allegations when it released the following statement: “Our customers come for our fillet of beef ass, pork ass cutlets and mixed ass salad. They don’t come here to eat parts of customers too stupid to realize we are a great dining experience. Anyone could have thrown those human body parts into the food when no one in the kitchen was looking.”

Federal investigators insist that seven customers who complained about their food, disappeared and were found in the restaurant’s “Ass Stew” several days later. “We were shocked,” said one government official who refused to reveal his name. “And what’s worse, the stew with human body parts in it didn’t tasted any better than the establishment’s regular stew. So, what’s the point?”

The controversial restaurant has been in trouble before. In 2010, numerous complaints were voiced when Vas Defrens‘ restaurant announced the name of its VIP association–The Back Door Club. Despite the constant bad press the restaurant receives each week, the company is discussing plans to open franchise locations in Brisbane, Australia and Bucharest, Romania.

Vas Defrens seemed unfazed by the media attention. “Hey, you gotta be into ass if you come to The Ass House,” says the rock bassist.


  1. Hilario says:

    Hi, I’m an asshole spammer. Sorry to waste your time. Thanks,Krishy

  2. Phillip Traum says:

    I drove around Bay Ridge for 5 goddamned hours trying to find this place. I’m beginning to think this is all a joke.

    • Tom Straw says:

      Hey, Phillip,

      Did someone steal your brain when you weren’t looking? Seriously, how stupid are you?

  3. Buford Picklefeather says:

    When I read this story I threw up. When I wrote this post, I threw up. I can barely see the screen. Chunks everywhere. Dripping down the screen.

  4. Axman13 says:

    I eat at the Ass House. Threw up all over the plate when the food came. Believe me, that was a better dinner than what they brought me.

  5. Cal Trask says:

    I have yet to see this story show up in the mainstream media. Why the blackout? This is important.

  6. Sam Bass says:

    I eat at the Ass House last week and couldn’t figure out why there was a wedding ring in my steak. This story sort of fills in the blanks for me.