Vas at Consumption Auditorium

Vas Defrens

Rock guitarist Vas Defrens dropped a bomb on the rock music community when he admitted today that he doesn’t actually live a life of debauchery.

“It was all bullshit,” admits Defrens.”I haven’t banged hundreds of groupies or gotten high and I don’t even drink,” said the famous bad boy of The No Talent Ass Clowns.

“You don’t realize the pressure in this business to be a self-absorbed, destructive, sexist a-hole. If the rest of the band had found out my true lifestyle, I would have been an outcast. Yeah, sure, I retire to my room with groupies but we always talked all night about books and movies we liked. I have a wife and three children but I could never admit that to the press. I would have been crucified.”

Fellow band members were shocked. “I don’t know if I can ever trust Vas again,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “You think you know somebody and then, bam! I can’t imagine how ashamed his family must be.”

For years, Defrens had paid groupies to spread lies about his sexual prowess to protect his image. “Vas paid me thousands to talk about how many chicks he did,” said Candy Beaumont, a famous Ass Clowns groupie. “I’ve  gotten it on with the rest of the band thousands of times but Vas, no, we’re just friends. That’s pretty hard to admit!”

Defrens admits that he doesn’t know what his future with The Ass Clowns will be. “They may want me out and I can’t blame them really.”

  1. Floyd Larson says:

    this blog is stupid. the people commenting here are stupid. come to think of it, i’m stupid.

  2. BJ Queen says:

    Vas, it was very courageous of you to admit this. I was a pretend groupie at an Ass Clowns concert last year. I got backstage and stripped naked for the band. Vas and I went into a back room where I immediately put my clothes back on and we discussed television shows from the 1960s at length. It was a great conversation. Naturally, I had to leave pretending that we had just gotten it on. I’m so glad the charade is over.

  3. Buford Picklefeather says:

    I’ll never forget the Vas Defrens I knew. It was 1995 at Consumption Auditorium. A young hungry No Talent Ass Clowns were opening for Bad News. I ran into Vas in a backstage bathroom and offered him some first class weed. He kicked me in the nads, called me pathetic and walked out. But, as he left, he hummed “Blow Chunks Ballet” off their first CD,which wasn’t even out yet. That was a magical moment. That’s the Vas Defrens I’ll keep in my mind. Not this horrible fake I see now.

    • Todd B. says:

      Buford,

      I’ve seen you comment here frequently. You’re an icehole. Although, in this case, I agree with you 100%. Vas is dead to me now.

      • Meat Pants says:

        Hey, Todd,

        I’ve never seen you comment here before and I think you’re a bigger asshole than Buford! BTW, I don’t think Buford is an asshole at all. He’s a fine human being who just happens to drink too much, treat women like shit, cheat on his taxes and kill small animals in his private torture chamber beneath his garage. So what? We’ve all been there.

        • Buford Picklefeather says:

          Dear Meat Pants,

          Thanks, dude. It’s always good to know there’s people like you to cover your back. Much obliged.

  4. disappointed fan boy says:

    So much for this band. What a bunch of posers. And I thought they were the real deal!

  5. Tawny Chang says:

    Mr. Defrens, shame on you. Your utter disregard for women, morality and decency is now all a sham? I feel numb.

  6. Bambi F. says:

    BULLSHIT! That son of a bitch gave me genital herpes after I hooked up with him during the recording of their last CD. It’s not a pretty sight. And he’s responsible!

  7. Dr. Giggles says:

    Who the hell is Vas Defrens and why he is named after the tube inside my dong?

  8. Name Withheld says:

    Vas, say it ain’t so!

    That’s it. I am SO done with this band!

  9. ass clown groupie says:

    I know for a fact that I did Vas. At least I think so. I was just about unconscious backstage after an Ass Clowns show.

  10. Mako151 says:

    My faith in this band is now completely shaken. The downfall of one of your heroes is always painful.

  11. young punk says:

    I refuse to believe this story. This is not the Vas Defrens I know. Maybe this is just a joke.

    • Charlie Ford says:

      This could be a smear campaign by Lars. After all, he might be running for president and he figures this is good press.