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Vas at Consumption Auditorium

Vas Defrens

Rock guitarist Vas Defrens dropped a bomb on the rock music community when he admitted today that he doesn’t actually live a life of debauchery.

“It was all bullshit,” admits Defrens.”I haven’t banged hundreds of groupies or gotten high and I don’t even drink,” said the famous bad boy of The No Talent Ass Clowns.

“You don’t realize the pressure in this business to be a self-absorbed, destructive, sexist a-hole. If the rest of the band had found out my true lifestyle, I would have been an outcast. Yeah, sure, I retire to my room with groupies but we always talked all night about books and movies we liked. I have a wife and three children but I could never admit that to the press. I would have been crucified.”

Fellow band members were shocked. “I don’t know if I can ever trust Vas again,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “You think you know somebody and then, bam! I can’t imagine how ashamed his family must be.”

For years, Defrens had paid groupies to spread lies about his sexual prowess to protect his image. “Vas paid me thousands to talk about how many chicks he did,” said Candy Beaumont, a famous Ass Clowns groupie. “I’veĀ  gotten it on with the rest of the band thousands of times but Vas, no, we’re just friends. That’s pretty hard to admit!”

Defrens admits that he doesn’t know what his future with The Ass Clowns will be. “They may want me out and I can’t blame them really.”