Lars Gunblade

Lars Gunblade

Rocker Lars Gunblade of controversial band The No Talent Ass Clowns has become the 5th person to accuse presidential candidate Herman Cain of sexual misconduct. And the first male.

“It happened in the early 1990s when we were just a hungry band before we got our big break with ‘Blow Chunks Ballet‘,” said Gunblade at a press conference early this morning aboard the band’s tour blimp. “Cain came backstage… wait, let me re-phrase that… he showed up backstage and offered me free pizza. He kept leering at me, saying he wanted to give me a Cleveland Steamer. At the time, I didn’t know what that was and told him I had already eaten,” said Gunblade with a shudder.

“Then, he said that he wanted to put extra cheese on me and have a giant big slice. I told him to piss off. I was pretty creeped out. If it wasn’t for all the groupies I did it with that night, I would have been messed up in the head from that kind of sexual harassment. After all, I’m usually the one doing the harassing and that’s the way it should be!”

Gunblade said that Cain showed up at Ass Clowns concerts at Consumption Auditorium for several years until he had the Former Godfather’s Pizza CEO banned. “It’s just as well. When he was putting the moves on me, he said that he had never bought any of our Ass Clowns albums. Not one! I have no patience with fake fans like that!”


  1. Joe Bunky says:

    Congratulations mainstream media! You have successfully buried this story. Nowhere have I read this except here, which should tell you something.

  2. Jim Stark says:

    Why are we talking about sexual harassment like it’s a bad thing?

  3. Donna Rice says:

    I can’t believe I haven’t seen this story anywhere else. You guys got quite a scoop.

  4. Candi says:

    Herman Cain sexually harassed me at Consumption Auditorium. I told him that I preferred to be harassed by Lars Gunblade instead. He was pissed.

  5. Rambo Todd says:

    Lars could have advanced his career right away if he had taken the hot flesh injection from Cain. What a pussy.

  6. Gus says:

    And once again, the mainstream media is not covering this story. I haven’t heard this story anywhere but here!!!

  7. T-Bone says:

    Let’s just say that thinking about Lars, I’m not surprised.