Lars Gunblade Introduces New Cologne

Posted: 22nd February 2013 by Lucky in Latest Ass Clown Updates
Tre Lars Cologne

Singer Lars Gunblade’s new cologne hits the shelves today

Celebrity cologne. You can’t throw a rock without hitting a celebrity with one these days. And No Talent Ass Clowns front man Lars Gunblade wasn’t about to miss out on this phenomenon.

“Hey, if Taylor Swift can sell out and hawk her own stupid perfume, why can’t I peddle my damn cologne?” declared the infamous Ass Clowns singer. Entitled Tre Lars, the pricey new cologne offers a sensory experience previously unavailable.

“You know that putrid stank you have when you pass out at 4am on Sunday morning on the front steps of your house?” said Gunblade. “That’s what I was going for. Tre Lars has the delicate fragrance of cigarettes, stale beer and pot with just a suggestion of vomit and B.O. to top it off. If that’s doesn’t make the chicks crazy for you, I don’t know what will.”

Update: Numerous buyers of Tre Lars have been hospitalized since last Friday, including 12 rumored fatalities. Users have been asked to refer to the cologne’s disclaimer on the side of the bottle: “Regular use of Tre Lars has been associated with sudden, violent and uncontrollable bleeding from the eyes and rectum. Use sparingly.”


  1. Jimmy Oatmeal says:

    I used Tre Lars and it worked great. I highly recommend it.

  2. Walter S. says:

    I bought a bottle of Tre Lars recently. It smelled great and got me lots of looks from several sexy women, many of them married. I’m dating three lovely ladies now (one is single and two are married) and I’m pretty sure Tre Lars had something to do with it!

    I don’t understand all of the comments here about Tre Lars being flammable and damaging skin. That’s all bullshit. It’s perfectly safe.

  3. Lew Flapp says:

    I bought “Tre Lars” but when I put it on my skin, the skin burned away all the way to the bone. Is it supposed to do that?

    • Joe Bunky says:

      You can avoid this effect completely by slathering your skin with Vaseline first before putting on Tre Lars. It’s kind of inconvenient but what are you gonna do?

      I’d rather do this than not use Tre Lars at all! Wouldn’t you?

  4. Carlos Danger says:

    Lars Gunblade can tongue punch my fart box.

    • Matthew C. says:


      I don’t believe Shakespeare could have said it better! Well, he probably could… but you get the idea.

      • Anna B. says:

        I wouldn’t tongue-punch either one of your fart boxes… unless of course I was being paid $500 bucks for it. Each.

        • Matthew C. says:

          That was $500 well spent last night. Thanks, Anna. I’m sure Billy will agree when he joins us tonight.

          • Meat Pants says:

            Hey, Anna,

            I wouldn’t mind getting in on this action myself. Hope you don’t mind if my girlfriend films it. She’s doing a documentary on sexual perversion for her NYU film class and she says this footage would get her an automatic A.

            • Meat Pants says:


              Last night was incredible. Slight complication. My girlfriend broke up with me this morning saying she was in love with you. Guess wearing that friggin’ Tre Lars wasn’t getting her off with me. Sucks.

  5. Wavy Davy says:

    Be careful with this stuff. It’s extremely flammable. I found out the hard way!!!

    • Travis T. says:

      Tell me about it. I put some Tre Lars on my meat and my girlfriend was smoking when she went down on me. You can guess the rest. Second degree burns down there and the wall of my trailer home was burned up pretty good. Thanks for nothing Lars.

      • T-Bone says:

        Yeah, and what happened to the chick? You didn’t even say, you piece of shit!

        • Travis T. says:

          Chill, dude! When they finish all of the skin grafts, she’ll be fine… mostly.

          • T-Bone says:

            Let me know if you dump her. I got myself a color TV and everything. She’ll be impressed.

  6. Traci says:

    I went on a date with some guy wearing Tre Lars on Saturday night. I was totally turned on. While we were having sex in my car by the lake, he started shaking and passed out. As a joke, I pushed him into the lake and he sank like a stone. Maybe that wasn’t a good idea.

  7. Lester Burnham says:

    It’s the hint of vomit that really sold me on this cologne. I’m gonna be pushing away the babes while wearing Tre Lars.

  8. Bo Diddle of SUBGAY says:

    Eh! I’m Bo Diddle – (effects) –
    and I’m here to show yous where
    Tre Lars gets it’s “cologne” …

    Okay, I gots to go shoot my
    new SUBGAY commercial …

  9. Buford Picklefeather says:

    I was involved in the test marketing of Tre Lars. First time I wore it, my parole officer did me in an elevator at the court building. She told me later that she couldn’t control herself and that normally she found me repulsive. I’d say Tre Lars is a winner.

  10. Drew says:

    I hope this cologne will get me some chicks. Nothing else has worked. I must admit that the fragrance sounds disgusting but I’ll try it.

    I got my eye on a chick from logistics. If things go well while I’m wearing Tre Lars, I might be showing her my O-face. Know what I mean? O. O. O. You know what I’m talking about. O.

  11. Cindi K. says:

    It was guys smelling like this that caused me to lose my self-control and get pregnant nearly a dozen times while I was traveling with a band that I won’t name.

  12. Meat Pants says:

    I got a bottle this morning. When I took the cap off and took a whiff, I passed out for about 30 minutes and woke up laying in a puddle of my own sick. I’m afraid to open the bottle again.

    • Lew Flapp says:

      I went looking for it but the woman at Target said as far as she could tell, Tre Lars doesn’t exist. I called her a bitch and left. No more Target for me!

  13. T-Bone says:

    I produce this odor every weekend. Why should I pay for it????