Ass Clowns Missing

Ass Clowns Bass Player Carnage Smith has gone missing, which means there is only one member of The No Talent Ass Clowns accounted for. Late Thursday night, Smith visited Madame Ovary’s Pleasure Palace, a seedy massage parlor in the famous warehouse district of Kings Nose, NJ. He apparently paid for his appointment and left. When he didn’t show up to purchase drugs at a crack house several blocks away, friends became concerned.

Drummer Joey Van Dundro was visibly shaken speaking with reporters this morning. “This is bullshit!” shouted the drummer. “Carnage Smith and the other two deserve to die but I don’t. This isn’t fair. Seriously, I would like to meet with the killers and try to find another solution here!”

Fans reacted to the news with concern. “I don’t listen to them anymore but this is unsettling,” said longtime fan Buford Picklefeather of Perth Amboy, NJ, who asked that his name not be used. “I’m guessing they’re dead but this band is hard to kill. I tried to pick them off with a high-power rifle once but I just wound up blowing away a car of Ass Clowns impersonators serving as decoys. I was pissed.”

“We don’t have a clue as to the whereabouts of Carnage Smith,” said Police Deputy Leon Klinghoffer. “I do expect Mr. Smith to turn up soon… hopefully not in my next hamburger.”


  1. Walter Wiggle says:

    I growed up with Joey Van Dundro. It’d be just like him to go killing off his band mates. He’s kinda screwed up mentally if you get me. He ain’t all there. Doesn’t have both oars in the water. You feel?

    Still, I can’t say that he’s done a bad thing. Far from it. Ridding the world of this worthless band could be considered a noble thing. A barnes and noble thing.

  2. Curt says:

    I’m a spineless, passive-aggressive prick who lives to kiss the asses of my superiors… yet I digress. Sounds like this Buford Picklefeather might be behind all of this. Just saying.

    • Clear Vision Dynamo says:

      Curt, you sound like someone truly pathetic. I’m glad I don’t know you. It doesn’t sound like you’re worth knowing.

    • Nick Lacarno says:

      Curt, this reply is tell you that you really are a waste of space. You will reap what you sow, methinks. May I never… ever… set eyes on you.

  3. Buford Picklefeather says:

    I asked NOT to be quoted. I’m getting tired of this. Why does this website keep doing this?

  4. t-bone says:

    I didn’t do it. I’m still in jail.