Bios

By Lars

Lars Gunblade (Lead Singer)

Lars Gunblade, singer for The No Talent Ass Clowns

Front man Lars Gunblade

Abandoned by his parents when he was three, Lars lived in the sewer system beneath the streets of Kings Nose, NJ eating rats and listening to rock music blaring from car windows on the streets above. He was eventually taken in by a kind-hearted hooker and her pimp named “Lucky” and lived in the basement of their brothel until his early teens.

On his 6th birthday, Lars first met future Ass Clowns guitarist, Vas Defrens, in a Kings Nose alley. Vas had just stolen a guitar from a blind street musician and he was trying to learn a few chords. When Lars heard Vas play, he says he “shat” himself on the spot. Lars has told an entirely different story of their first meeting in a recent video interview.

Lars and Vas soon formed a band, then another band, then another. Tensions were high because arguments would erupt over what to name the band or whether to use one chord in a song or two. The two were briefly in the band Factory-Sealed Fornicators in 1991 before forming The No Talent Ass Clowns in late 1993.

Controversies

In the No Talent Ass Clowns’ early years, Lars had a well-known falling out with Foo Fighters front man, Dave Grohl. Rumor has it they were recording a Black Sabbath tribute album in the late 90s but egos clashed and the two parted ways. Since then, both have trashed the other in interviews. At times, Grohl has denied even knowing Lars Gunblade.

Lars also has a poor relationship with U2 singer Bono. The two first met in the 90s in Bora Bora and Lars said that U2 was basically just an Irish show band when you get right down to it. Bono didn’t appreciate the comment and Bono also now denies knowing Gunblade.

Lars Gunblade gained an infamous reputation when he began carrying a taser onstage and periodically tased people in the front rows, especially while performing “Blow Chunks Ballet” the band’s signature song. Although there have been many reported injuries among fans (including numerous fatalities), it’s not uncommon to see swooning fans in the front rows of No Talent Ass Clown shows screaming, “Tase me! Tase me, Lars!”

Hated by critics but popular with women with low self-esteem, Lars is seldom in public without a neurotic beauty or two on his arm (or wherever).

Lars Facts

  • Hobbies: Groupies, collecting radioactive isotopes and trucker balls
  • Turn-ons: Are you comin’ on to me? Back off, dude
  • Turn-offs: Getting arrested, running out of “stuff”
  • Favorite person: Me
  • Favorite band: Mine
  • Favorite drink: Grain alcohol
  • I never …: Drink whiskey before noon

Lars Gunblade, singer, No Talent Ass Clowns

Vas Defrens (Lead Guitar)

Guitarist Vas Defrens

Guitarist Vas Defrens

Born and raised in the slums of Kings Nose, NJ, Vas Defrens lived on the town’s infamous mean streets before the famous Warehouse District was revitalized. His only companion was an empty soda can he had named Reg.

“Life in Kings Nose was hard. You lived by your wits,” said Vas recently. “I remember one morning when some kids would knock over the trash cans without picking them up. You can’t see something like that without it changing you on the inside.”

After meeting Lars and forming The No Talent Ass Clowns, Vas quickly became known as one of rock’s most talented guitar players. “Yeah, I’m that good!” says Vas confidently. “Jimmy Page? Jeff Beck? Jack White? Yeah, blow me. Nobody can touch me on the guitar when I’m relatively sober.”

He refuses to talk about his reputed ass obsession. “The press has blown this all out of proportion. They don’t understand,” said Vas during an interview in Rock Wasteland.

Other aspects of Vas’ life are less mysterious. He married popular porn star Trixie Beaumont in 2014 and the two have eleven children who live on Defrens’ vast estate in Montana named Rectal Hall in honor of Vas’ mother.

Vas Facts

  • Hobbies: Groupies, guitars shaped like asses
  • Turn-ons: None of them are legal so I’m not saying
  • Turn-offs: Non-ass related things, anti-drug laws, stems & seeds
  • Favorite person: Attila the Hun
  • Favorite band: Cowsills, Carpenters
  • Favorite drink: Brown Russian (Don’t ask)
  • I never… : Defile groupies unless I know their names first

Vas Defrens, lead guitar, No Talent Ass Clowns

Former Members of the Band

Carnage Smith (Bass)

Carnage Smith

Carnage Smith

A native of Kings Nose, NJ, Carnage Smith first met front man Lars Gunblade when the two served sentences for armed robbery in their late teens. “Lars was an a-hole then. Still is too,” says Carnage. He is the brother of the late Vulgar Smith, the Ass Clowns’ first drummer. Although he suspects Lars killed Vulgar, he isn’t holding a grudge. “Hey, live and let die, you know?” says the Ass Clowns bass player.

Carnage takes his job as bass player in stride. “Easy duty really,” says Carnage. “Ass Clowns songs are moronically simple so it requires like zero effort from me on stage or in the studio. That’s what I like.”

Carnage’s hobbies include herbal jazz cigarettes and collecting vintage electrical insulators. Carnage left The No Talent Ass Clowns in June 2016 by mutual agreement.

Joey Van Dundro (Drums/Cowbell)

Joey Van Dundro

Joey Van Dundro

“Hard to like,” is how many fans describe Joey. According to many rock critics, this description applies to his drumming as well. What may sound like the inability to keep a beat is actually an experimental approach to rhythm, according to Van Dundro. Critics contend he can’t drum to save his life. “F**k them!” says Van Dundro. “Who’s nailin’ the groupies? Me or the critics? Case closed.”

Joey’s personal hero is Pete Best, the drummer The Beatles ditched in favor of Ringo Starr. “That was bullshit. Pete Best was way better than Ringo. You can totally hear that on the first EMI session. Way better, man. Pete Best could have taken the Beatles to number one if they had kept him on. Bet they kicked themselves later on.”

Joey left the band in June 2016 by mutual agreement.

  1. Sister Ann from Texas says:

    I don’t like this band. They make me uncomfortable. And I’m not sure how good they would be in bed either! I’d probably have to rely on myself to get off… as usual.

  2. Walter Van Dundro says:

    How come we never hear much about Joey Van Dundro, rock’s greatest drummer? F**k the other guys in The No Talent Ass Clowns! We want more Joey!

  3. Philip Traum says:

    Where would The No Talent Ass Clowns be without Lars Gunblade? He’s no Bono. He doesn’t donate to charity and he doesn’t give a shit about the planet. Personally, I enjoy Lars’ shallowness and sexism. It’s refreshingly honest.

  4. John Anthony Gillis says:

    I’m from Detroit and we don’t buy into bands that can’t deliver. No Talent Ass Clowns does. Saw them last year and my ears are still ringing.

  5. Bigger Than Big says:

    These guys suck worse than a drunken truckdriver at a karaoke bar at a closing time on a Wednesday night in Portsmouth, warbling “You Give Love a Bad Name.”

    These guys make every shit band out there sound like Zeppelin.

  6. berfday bouy says:

    They never officially released that. It’s a bootleg. And a crappy one at that.

  7. Aqua Velva says:

    Yeah, it’s on the B-side of “Suck It, World.” Japanese vinyl only.

  8. Snatched by Aliens says:

    they released that?

  9. The Cordouroy Kid says:

    Fave Ass Clown song?

    Me, I gotta go with “As Soon As I Take My Head Out of My Ass, I’ll Come Crawlin’ Back.”

  10. Stan says:

    WTF? This is a fake band. Don’t you get it?

    • B. Johnson says:

      Gee, that’s funny. I sure *thought* I saw two Ass Clown tours and bought all of their CDs. Tell me, Stan, enjoy reality much? Moron!

    • Carlos Danger says:

      Stan,

      I guess I’ll have to return all of my Ass Clowns CDs if they aren’t real. Guess I just *imagined* I was listening to kick ass albums. Hey, Stan, where’s your tin foil hat?

      I have extra tickets to their Consumption Auditorium gig. Perhaps you can come along and see how “fake” they are as they rock your f**king socks off!

      • Stan says:

        Carlos,

        A couple of months ago, I showed up at a place the No Talent Ass Clowns were supposed to be playing according to this site. I waited like 5 hours and nothing. The management of the place never even heard of this band. My girlfriend dumped me when we got home and took off with all of my pot.

  11. Jerry Gold, No, Not There! Records says:

    I just got this message from Lars that he wanted to pass along to the fans:

    “Hey, what up? Thanks for all the messages you f**kers sent after the judge threw out that case from my old f**king manager. There were fewer death threats than usual. That was cool. Rock on, dudes. We’re coming to your town so you better lock up all the girls as John Lennon once said. On second thought, send them backstage.”

    Yeah, typical Lars, right? He’s psyched to begin touring again. See you later.

    –Jerry Gold
    P.R. Manager, No, Not There! Records

  12. JWB says:

    It’s total bullshit that No Talent Ass Clowns always get ignored by critics. As far as they’re concerned, this band doesn’t even exist. When the Ass Clowns get into the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame, they’ll get the friggin’ last laugh!!

  13. Heath Barkley says:

    Wow! What a band!

  14. T-Bone says:

    Anybody remember Lars when he was with the Factory-Sealed Fornicators back in ’91? We played “Sex Me Up, Hose Me Down” day and night in the dorm. It got me expelled form college but it was worth it. As soon as I get out of prison (doing a nickel up at Attica), I can’t wait to catch a few of their concerts again. Good times.

    • Bill says:

      T-Bone,

      I have the Factory-Sealed Fornicators album and it’s great. Forget what some people say about it. It’s real hard to find but you can always find bootlegs on eBay. It’s got an 80s sound to it and a bit of grunge as well. Best track is the original version of “Blow Chunks Ballet” which is way cooler than the Ass Clowns version.

  15. stacy a. says:

    I peed myself when I saw them during their “Behind the Times” tour. It was either the music or the 24 beers I drank. I haven’t listened to them since. Are they still together?

  16. Deb says:

    Me and my girlfriends partied with the Ass Clowns two years ago. They’ll all great in the sack but they’re into some weird stuff. Girls, just warning you. Don’t let Vas in the backdoor. I’ve been having medical problems back there ever since.

    • Bill says:

      Deb, don’t let Vas Defrens spoil that particular experience for you. Talk to me off-line.

      • Tony from Queens says:

        Deb,

        Forget what Bill says. He doesn’t know what he’s doing and I know from personal experience. I’ll show you how it’s done. It’s even better with some Ass Clowns music playing low in the background.

        • Deb says:

          Tony From Queens,

          I’m a believer now. Late night was incredible. I posted that video you shot of us. Can’t wait until next time. BTW, you better visit a doctor. You’re probably infected now.

  17. Bill says:

    Went to school with Lars. Total dick. Gotta admit though… No Talent Ass Clowns is a great band given their limitations.