Guitarist Vas Defrens of The No Talent Ass Clowns recently killed a concertgoer in Boston with the bayonet that he has custom-fitted onto his Les Paul guitar. After Ass Clowns manager Jerry Gold met with Boston police, all charges were dropped immediately.

“Every guitarist should have a bayonet on his guitar,” said Defrens. “It’s just the safest thing to do. At concerts, there are always drunk dickheads that want to rush the stage. That’s what happened in Boston. This dick nuts came at me and he got a taste of my cold steel. You should have seen the look at his face when the bayonet went into his chest. Classic.”

“I looked over and this dude from the audience was suddenly spitting blood,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “Vas pulled the bayonet out of his chest and the guy fell back into the audience. That was the ultimate stage dive, man!”

Bayonet On Guitar May See More Use

“I’ll use it again on somebody, I’m sure,” said Defrens. “Maybe it will be on another drunk a-hole. Maybe it will be on some guy who mouths all the lyrics of a song we haven’t released yet and are singing in public for the first time. If he knows the song, that means he got hold of a bootleg copy of the song off the master tape. If that’s the case, he deserves to die.”

Defrens owns a company that retrofits bayonets on guitars, which may be why he’s so anxious to promote the idea. U2 guitar The Edge has decried the idea of a bayonet on a guitar. “This is pretty sick,” said The Edge recently. “I think something is most definitely wrong with Vas Defrens. U2’s record speaks for itself. We have never killed anyone. We’ve bored some people, yeah, but that’s all.”


  1. x says:

    And so, it ends.

  2. Phillip Traum says:

    I’m not convinced this is a real thing.

  3. Dwight S. says:

    If Vas Defrens tries to stab me with that guitar bayonet, I’ll shoot him dead where he stands. Then, I’ll go to Disneyland.

  4. Dimitri R. says:

    I play a lot of gigs and let me tell you, I wish I had this on my guitar. Some of the pieces of shit you run into in bars when you’re playing music makes you want something like this. I’m totally serious. Having a bayonet on your guitar is a good idea.

    • Jimmy M. says:

      Are you insane? You can’t just stab someone with a bayonet on your guitar because they’re an asshole.

      • Wayne L. says:

        Why not? It’s called standing your ground, right? All guitar players should have bayonets on their guitars. It’s called freedom.

        • Bertie Pelham says:

          OK, you’re out of your mind. I like a bit of the old ultra-violence as much as anybody but this is a bit much, don’t you know.

  5. Sandra Dee says:

    I wish Vas would put his big bayonet in me all night long.

  6. Meat Pants says:

    Wait, I think they were only playing to empty concert venues these days. What the shit? I’m totally confused.