Legendary band The No Talent Ass Clowns have decided that they will only release one copy of future CDs. While fans are furious, the band couldn’t be happier.

“This is the logical way to do things in the music industry at this time,” said front man Lars Gunblade. “Not fair to the fans? F**k them. As long as some asshole will fork out two million dollars, we’re good. The bills are paid and we got some serious money. It’s the very definition of good.”

Fans have voiced their disapproval outside of the theaters where they aren’t allowed to attend the band’s concerts. “First, we can’t see them in concert,” said Niles, a film student from Nebraska. “Now we can’t even buy their music? Why do the Ass Clowns hate us so much? I’m seriously tempted to stop being a fan after this.”

“Do we hate the fans?” asked guitarist Vas Defrens. “Yes, of course we do. That’s not news, man. And I certainly hope that this makes that even more clear. You can’t own our music anymore. Why? Because we don’t like you. We never have liked you. We never will like you. I hope I’m being clear here.”


  1. Bambi Silver says:

    I love seeing Vas in these interviews. He’s amazing. He gave it to me backstage after an Ass Clowns show back in 2002. He took me in the backdoor, of course. That’s the only way he ever wants it. I didn’t mind that so much but afterwards he made me look at a book he had of naked asses that must have been 600 pages long. He’s real obsessed with asses. Then he rimmed me for literally three hours. Seriously, three hours! That was kind of weird.

  2. Wimpy Wampy Wombly says:

    Please, God, tell me this band isn’t real.

    • Philbo Baggins of Bag-End says:

      The band is real. I saw them in Akron about 10 years ago. They were terrible but interesting.

  3. Janet Who Ha says:

    I want Lars and Vas to the father of my children. And then I want to sacrifice that child to the gods of rock on an alter that my cousin built out of fruit produce boxes.

  4. Creedence says:

    I’ve never heard of this band. They look like assholes to me.

  5. T-Bone says:

    I find their self-confidence refreshing.

  6. Andrew Latrine says:

    Never heard of this band but they look like total dicks.

    • T-Bone says:

      Yeah, and you can lick my love pump, bitch. I’m doing a nickel up at Attica so good luck trying to get at me.

  7. Not Lew Flapp says:

    Well, I figured this would happen sooner or later. I hate this band and everything it stands for.

  8. Meat Pants says:

    Fine. See if I care?