Legendary rock band The No Talent Ass Clowns have taken concerts to a whole new level: the band plays to completely empty theaters. And the weird thing is that it’s 100% intentional.

“We had been building up to this for damn near 20 years,” said singer Lars Gunblade. “I mean, shit, these fans were just totally annoying. If it wasn’t for all the groupies, we’d have given up this gig a long time ago. Now, we buy up all the seats at each show and play our 15-minute set. Playing empty theaters is great.”

“The audience was always the biggest obstacle to playing live,” said guitarist Vas Defrens. “It’s perfect now. I feel like we have finally achieved what we have wanted to achieve for a long time.”

“Personally, I think they’re assholes for doing this,” said No Talent Ass Clowns manager Jerry Gold. “Seriously, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that this isn’t financially sustainable for very long. I just bought another yacht. The Velvet Trench is a beautiful boat and the ladies like it too. But the bank is going to come after it if we keep doing concerts at empty theaters. This whole thing is really making me nervous.”

“We do what we do,” said Gunblade. “No other band would have the balls to do this. We do and we did.”


  1. yt34-3489 says:

    Who is this band? I’ve never heard of them. They seem like morons.

    • Wolf McFarlane says:

      I pray to God this band isn’t real because if it is real, we are doomed.

      • Samantha C. says:

        The No Talent Ass Clowns are real. I saw them once in St. Louis. They were terrible and that’s what I liked about them.

        • Cindy B. says:

          They claim that they played the Crocodile in Seattle with no audience. I live near the Croc and I go there all the time to hook up with guys. They were never there. They lied.

          • Archie Philpotts says:

            They were supposed to have played at the 9:30 Club in DC recently. I can tell you, they never did.

  2. Meat Pants says:

    A buddy of mine tried sneaking into one of their empty shows last week. The roadies found him and beat the shit out of him.